There is no going back: Sick Puppies

The sequel continues. In case you missed In Pursuit of Redemption Part 1 and Part 2:

“Do you need anything else sir?”

Those are the words that bring him back to reality. He looks up at the young pretty waitress staring curiously down at him waiting to take his order.

“No, I’m good…” he says, and hands her a Ksh. 1000 note to pay for his half completed meal. He’s no longer hungry. “You can keep the change.” She thanks him with a smile and walks away.

Alfred takes one look at the single clock hanging at the far left; 3.37 pm. He sweeps his gaze across the room. To the trained eye, it’s pretty obvious he’s a stranger here; but he did a pretty good job dressing up as a local. Good thing or they’d easily recognize him. He knows his face is most probably on all TV screens across the country by now, but that’s what he’d expect anyway. Good thing the folk down here love watching Nigerian movies or they’ easily pick him out.

He takes his jacket and stands up to leave as a sharp pain runs through the wound on his shoulder; he winces. The bulge of the gun beneath his coat his visible, but nobody can really tell what he’s got in his pockets. He’s made up his mind; he’ll lay low here for a while and then when he’s come up with a fully operational plan, he’ll strike back. Revenge burns his heart and soul, almost leaving a mark that can never be erased.

*********9 hours earlier**********

Alfred stares at the white ceiling from his prison bed. Nothing. Not even a slight hint or glimmer of hope. Soon the prison guards will be escorting him to the police vehicle that will take him to the Kilimani law courts. He closes his eyes and says a prayer- as hopeless as he knows his case is. He knows he has to pay for his mistakes, but at least he knows he’s made peace with himself and his wife. He hopes she’ll be there nonetheless.

Twenty minutes later, Alfred is being ushered towards the police car that awaits. He’s about to get in when one of the guards places a piece of paper into the palm of his right hand.

“Read it when no one’s looking but it’s imperative you do so before you reach court. And Alfred, follow all the instructions carefully,” the guard whispers, before he shoves Alfred into the back seat of the car.

A few moments later the accompanying guards are embroiled in a heated conversation about who’s going to win the English Premier League and the impact Robin Van Persie has had on Manchester United. Good. He sees his window of opportunity and takes it. As instructed, he carefully tears up the paper struggles with his handcuffed hands to shove it down his throat. He slides to the left hand side of the vehicle and waits.

Now they’re almost at the courts. He knows any time now whatever is being planned for him will be put into play. Again, he silently says a word of prayer. When he opens his eyes all he sees are the news hungry cameras of the reporters; but this is seconds before an unnumbered vehicle rams into the police car. The impact is enough to push the car towards the pavement, as its occupants struggle to hold onto their seats, the driver desperately trying to bring the vehicle to a halt to avoid hitting passersby and the wall they’ll quickly approaching. But the commotion that arises is all that Alfred needs.

As promised, the left passenger door is unlocked. Alfred knows it’s going to be risky but he has to try. He makes a run for it towards the black vehicle parked on the other side of the road exactly as promised, moments before the police men realize what is going on and start firing at the running Alfred ordering him to stop. He’s almost at the vehicle when a bullet rips through his left shoulder as another shatters the rear windscreen of the vehicle ahead of him. A few inches lower he’d be on the ground, he knows. But he pushes on and dives into the now open door of the awaiting car, whose engine is already revving.

Only when they’ve sped away leaving a mass of confusion behind and stunned cameras does he feel the pain rip through his body. Blood is gushing from his bullet wound but one of the occupants- two men at the front and the woman- is already tending to his wound. He has no idea where he’s being driven; he’s in too much pain to notice anyway.

“Alfred, you made it man. That was close,” the man on the front passenger seat has turned and is addressing him. “You should have seen yourself running.” He laughs. Alfred looks at him despite his agonizing pain.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of your wound.”

“Now listen, your wife is dead. Murdered to make it look like she succumbed from the wounds you inflicted on her.”

“W-H-A-T!!!!? WHEN?????”

“This morning. Now shut up and listen, you don’t have much time; you’ll mourn her later,” he says coldly before proceeding, “We’re taking you to a safe place. We think Sam is behind it.”

More shock waves ripple through Alfred’s head, momentarily numbing his pain. His best friend? What the fuck is going on here, is the question in his head, his mind in a wild frenzy.

“Sam planned it all. Stabbing your wife gave him the opportunity he’d been waiting for to put his plan into motion. Alfred, Sam is trying to take over your company. And he has most of your board members behind him.”

Alfred looks down, hurt and anger starting to boil in him.

“But then why should I believe anything you’ve just told me?”

“You don’t have to. That’s why we’re helping you escape so you can find out more on your own. Let’s just say we have common interests.”

Alfred nods.

“We’ll leave you here with food, a car, fake passport you can use to create your aliases, medicine to help you recover and money to start you off. The documents, meds and keys will be in a safe behind the bed upstairs.”

The man hands him a card with a number on it.

“You can use this to reach me- I’m Nathan. This is Moses and the lady that’s tended your wound is Marion.”

Now they’re entering one of the gates of a house in an estate he cannot recognize. Good thing the houses all look similar.

“You can get out now, we have to go dispose this car before the police start tracking it. The door of the house is unlocked.”

Alfred walks out, and turns just in time to see Marion smile at him shortly before the car speeds away. He walks into the house.

********9 hours 20 minutes later*********

Alfred is driving back to his motel room, memories of his dead wife running though his head. He pulls up at the side of the road and he lets the tears flow freely. They’ll pay, he decides. He is beyond the point of no return now.

After all is said and done, Hitler was a monster to say the least

First and foremost, I want to vehemently state that my blog is not gutter press unlike most other blogs today out there. I will not point fingers either for that reason. At Ketihapa.wordpress.com, we do not wear over-sized blue grandma sweaters either that bring out the best of our nostrils and underline your social. We do not say who is fucking who, and who is who’s sweaterheart. Wait, what?

Never mind.

The real reason I wrote this blog is because I miss you fellas. It’s been a while since I wrote anything that’s relevant to Twitter as I have recently re-discovered a talent I had long forgotten I had; creative writing. However, a few things have caught my attention that require to be addressed urgently and which require your opinion. Not that I care about your opinions, but I do appreciate it because it keeps my blog going.

The biggest of those issues is the still to be solved death of a fallen hero of the Kenyan law and constitution, Mr. Mutula Kilonzo, whom, as it is now emerging, was a champion in the bedroom with a little help from another learned friend called Viagra. Yes, it was obvious Mr. Mutula, may he RIP, was with a woman the morning he died. However, I will not even begin to describe my shock and dismay after it emerged that the woman in question was in fact another champion; a champion of plagiarism.

Her name is Caroline Mutoko. After all, we all know she doesn’t date people with mediocre minds like the rest of us. We’re numbskulls, remember?

So, to put this in perspective, if it is proven she was indeed the said woman, she preaches water on how people to be faithful, when she’s in fact, drinking wine. Issorait. Carol, as someone pointed out, if this is true, this will be a big Blow to your Job. Never mind, KOT can be crafty with words. Point is, you have a daughter and you’re dating Radio Africa’s Patrick Quarco. The irony of it all being the speed at which you rebuke cheating partners. You’re a fucking cheetah.

But then again, as I said, all this is if it’s proven true. I am not ready for a defamation lawsuit. You can read the original post unmasking her here:

Then there’s the small matter of the bedbugs in Kenyatta University hostels. Well, it’s not like we’re really shocked; at least now we know who, ok, for purposes of this post, what taught the ladies at KU to be really good at sucking. Full pun intended. Dating a KU chic is hard, and reasonably so. First, she will suck your money, because granted, she will not be stealing side mirrors from motorists when you’re around.

Then, you finally think you’ve caught a break and that you’ll get laid; wapi? So she invites you over, and knowing how difficult men find it to reject sex, you’ll rush over.. Forgetting there are bedbugs that will see your erection as a thankful of blood. And guess what my friend, you cannot exile them. Hell, they call their friends over to enjoy the feast at hand.

To make matters worse, as if we haven’t had a bad enough past couple of weeks already, Jaguar released yet another music video from his recently launched ‘eh eh eh’ genre of music; you know the type of music where the words ‘eh’ feature after every three words to produce rhyming effect because the song doesn’t make sense.

I wouldn’t say it was a bad video considering he spent his fortune making it, featuring a convertible Bentley. Pause. And a plane, albeit a small, joke of a plane, but hey, a plane is a plane, so LANES people. He even got to throw a bash that featured Mugoya and Nick Mutuma.

Sadly, Jaguar has to learn that an expensive video doesn’t make the music sound good, especially when Vee Baiby is not in it. As some idiot on Twitter said last week, if Bamzigi and Jaguar were to fall off a cliff, it is Kenyan Music that would survive.

Finally, the condoms. I still do not get why Catholic priests are still against these life savers. I’m very sure none of you would be theoretically against it if altar boys were to theoretically get pregnant. Plus, you contradict yourselves. You preach the body is the temple of the Lord, yet you encourage people to kill the Lord’s temples with HIV/AIDS by not using condoms.

Do you sleep at night knowing because of you some people might never live their lives to their fullest? That some of them are right now considering committing suicide because they had unprotected sex following your advice and contracted HIV? Does it make you feel more significant contradicting scientific facts just because you don’t believe in it? Guess what, it only makes you sound ignorant and worse murderers than Hitler because, guess what again, you’re almost at the halfway mark of the total people that died due to his actions.

Anyway, that is just my opinion, but as I said, I’d love to hear what you guys have to say, especially on the condom issue. In the meantime, I’ll go back to picking up the scattered pieces of my broken heart because Grace Msalame called these two idiots @iDaywa and @mSale_ ‘babie’ on my TL.

*leaves holding onions to disguise the tears*

A smile is a powerful thing

You asked for the sequel. I present part II of In Pursuit of Redemption.

He sits nervously in the chair in the waiting room, nervous; anxious even and he wishes he had the cigarette he threw away the night before to calm his nerves. The stares do not help; in fact, all they do is make him feel more miserable. Only the soft leather of the expensive seat he sits on seems to give him a little warmth. But at least, a little of the guilt he felt last night is gone.

He looks down at his hands and knows there is no other way. He’s still in the same clothes he wore last night. The hand cuffs around his wrists glimmer in the bright lights of the hospital waiting room, but regardless, all he feels is a sense of freedom. He knows neither the two policemen on either side of him, or anyone else for that matter, would understand.

To the world, he’s a criminal that attempted murder. In fact, the woman who just passed where they’re seated just a while ago proved it. One look at him and she got hold of her son’s hand. Like the guns the policemen have with them wouldn’t be enough to assure her of security. People can be so judgemental, he decides. The law does stipulate he’s innocent till he’s proven guilty after all. None of that matter to him right now however.

He remembers sharply the events of the previous night and how they unfolded. Almost like a movie. The police probably think he’s the dumbest criminal still alive. None of them could understand how anyone in his right senses could just walk into a police station when they’re being sought after. Especially for murder. Well, in his case attempted murder.

He’d staggered all the way from his house in Ngara to the Central Police Station, so drunk his president Uhuru would befriend him; not caring or fearing that anyone would jump him along the way. Just as he was about to turn himself in, a call rang on his cell phone. A certain doctor Kimana from the Nairobi Hospital, saying that his wife had barely survived a stab wound and that she wanted to see him.

Of course the wonderful doctor that saved his wife’s life didn’t know then he had been the ‘bugger’, as he’d called him, that had stabbed his wife and left her for dead in his best friend’s house.

But, a police lady had recognized him at the station and he had been cuffed. Thankfully, the police inspector he’d found on duty had agreed to allow him see his wife, supervised of course, at the hospital. He, of all people, saw the hurt and regret in his eyes. And that is the reason he was now sitting in a hospital waiting room, with two policemen on either side of him holding guns, bearing the hushed sounds and the stares from everyone around him.

Just then, a young doctor, whom Alfred assumes is the Doctor Kimana, walks towards them. He doesn’t bother hiding the disgust in his face. Alfred knows it’s finally time for his most dreaded moment; it is time to see his wife. No words are needed. He motions for them to follow him and he leads them to room 48. Alfred takes a deep breath.

The sight of his wife lying on the bed in bandages and a drip that leads to the needle sticking in her left arm almost breaks him to pieces all over again. He feels her anguish; her pain. It’s true what they say. You lose a part of yourself whenever you take a soul. Yet, when she sees him she smiles. A weak smile, but a smile that is full of love and hope nonetheless.

She tries to lift her arm to call him out, but she’s too weak for that. He sees it anyway and takes a step forward. And another. And another, till he’s standing two feet from her bed. She takes his hand and cups it in her grip, the strength of which astonishes him. She’s pulls him closer to herself and when their faces are almost touching, she plants a kiss on his forehead. It is a kiss full of love and concern. Alfred feels the tears trickling down his face and his heart shatters into a million pieces with guilt. He fails to understand whatever the hell he was thinking to hurt her. He makes up his mind to forgive her cheating.

They both know they wont have any time alone. He’s a criminal afterall.

“I am sorry…,” is all he manages to say.

She nods her head and smiles yet again. That smile. That same smile was what had drawn him to her in the very first place. He hopes she finds it in her to forgive him.

He takes one last look at her and turns his head away from her, unable to bear it anymore. He starts walking away, but if he’d turn around the look he’d see on her face would tell him she forgives him. The guards follow him, never more than three feet behind him, their hands on their triggers in case he attempts anything stupid.

Finally, he knows he’s ready to face the judge; to face justice, and his inevitable fate. He takes one last look at the room he’s left his wife… and into the rain pouring outside towards the police car awaiting them…

Question yourself, is it worth it to yourself and to her?

Let’s call him Joseph. Joseph is a middle aged man with a wife and three kids, two sons and his eldest is a daughter whom he loves to bits. Further from home, Joseph has achieved more than most of his peers already; he has a business to run, where he’s his own boss. He sells computers and their accessories and sometimes, when he’s lucky, he gets tenders from the government through one or two corrupt deals.

Joseph also has a well paying job at a leading Internet Service Provider, where he’s the technical team manager and commands more than 20 employees in his department. His wonderful job means he can afford to buy and maintain any car he’d wish for. At the moment, Joseph drives a sleek black BMW X6. He can also afford to get pretty much any woman he wants; and the car pretty much seals the deal for him. After all, follow the wheels and find the money.

Last month, he purchased a Galaxy Tablet, but had to give it to his daughter as a present because he forgot her birthday was fast approaching, and he had to settle for the new iPad his friends told him about. When he got bored of it, he gave that to his side lady, Brenda, who is a 22 year old college student at KEMU and doubles as a model. She’s gorgeous. What’s more, she loves giving it to him. Or as his friends call it, kugawa. He loves her for it. The two met at one of the popular uptown clubs in Nairobi, where he and his friends frequent to ‘cool off some steam’ though this is just another excuse to drink and screw everything that is female and walks.

Today, Joseph was thinking of trying out this new laptop model that doubles as a tablet- a HP Touchblahblahblah something. I’m not a techie person, I wouldn’t know the specifics.

His world is seemingly perfect and for any reasonable man, that is the life. He should be happy. But today, Joseph is not. His mood has been sulky and he’s had thoughts of murder thrice in two hours now. Even his secretary knows not to disturb the man when he’s like this. Question being, why is Joseph so mad? Let’s rewind back five hours today.

As I mentioned, Joseph is supposed to get his new touch screen laptop today. He’s on his way to town when he comes across a young lady of about 18 years old. She looks stranded and he decides to help her, since she claims she was on her way to town to see her sick mother, but due to the current matatu operators strike, she’s in a fix and she says she’d walk, but she isn’t feeling well. He doesn’t ask what is wrong. She’ll sort herself out when they get to town.

She hops in and he drives. They’re almost at Museum Hill when she claims she’s feeling dizzy and without warning, she faints, and collapses in her seat. Joseph screeches to a halt and tries to wake her up, but his first aid skills do not help. He decides to turn back and rush to her to the MP Shah Hospital, since he doesn’t know what is wrong.

She is rushed to see a doctor once they’re at the hospital. The brilliant doctor manages to revive her back to consciousness but says he has to run some more tests. They wait for the results in silence, Joseph not sure what to tell her and the lady, her name is Linda, she said, looks anxious. About an hour passes and the doctor returns. He has the results with him. She’s pregnant, he says, and he tells Linda she has to take more care of herself. He asks where the father is.

The Linda drops the bombshell. She starts claiming Joseph is the father. Joseph, in shock, says he doesn’t even know her, which puts the drama in motion. He offers to pay for a test to confirm paternity. He calls the office in town and says he might be late. The nurses, most of them in their thirties, have started casting looks at him that suggest he should be ashamed of himself. One particular one says,

“Mwangalie. *shaking her head* Baba ya mtu anatia mtoto mimba halafu hana haya kujaribu kumruka.”

The tests don’t take long. Thank God for technology. They reveal he isn’t the father and he lets out a sigh of relief, but there is more they reveal, the doctor tells them. Joseph is impotent. His jaw drops.

He remembers he has three kids back at home. His mind is spinning. His hands are trembling. His wife of 15 years has possibly been lying to him about ‘their’ children. He makes the logical conclusion. She’s been cheating on him.

Fast forward to the present.

Joseph is still not sure how to confront his wife. He still doesn’t know what to do with the information he received earlier today. His friends feel sorry for him and he can tell they are as pissed off as he is; some of them encourage him to kick out his wife. His thoughts rush back to ‘his’ kids. Perhaps he shouldn’t really be pissed off, considering in the same span of 15 years, he’s cheated on his wife with at least 20 women… the current one is the lovely Brenda. Karma is a bitch.

So, my question, why do we men, refuse to understand how our women can cheat on us when we do it to them on a daily basis? How do we expect them not to cheat if we do it ourselves? Do we always use protection when we do it? Probably not always. Do they? Perhaps they don’t either. When we find ourselves with sexually transmitted diseases, whom do we point our fingers? Them or ourselves?

Think about it.

Love or Nothing at all

Posted: May 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

Reblogged from we fail until we win:

Click to visit the original post

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Smile if you've been dumped. A toast to those who've always been picked, second, third forth or never been picked up at all.

Wear your face high those who've been on a double date and the couple on the other side seemed to have it all. A toast to us, cause it gets better. There is something that washes away most of the hurt we feel, the pain we've gone through, the self worth we lose, the ego that gets deflated.

Read more… 1,110 more words

This, in my opinion, is what God intended Love to be ladies and gentlemen. Awesome piece I've read by @astoldbybobby on his blog: http://wefailuntilwewin.wordpress.com/

The Shawshank Redemption is undoubtedly the best movie ever produced that details what redemption and self forgiveness is all about

With a heavy sigh, he forces himself to stagger away from the window, where he’s been standing in his boxers for the past thirty minutes, no longer able to bear the sight of the man staring back at him. His eyes are partly bloodshot, his head heavy and his hands are trembling. Taking one last sip from the bottle of vodka firmly in his grip, he places it on the small table beside his bed, gently, before reaching for the pack of cigarettes next to the now empty bottle. With a slight hesitation, he lights up a match, but his trembling hands cause him to burn two of his fingers in the process. He winces. More scars. It doesn’t matter to him; what are two more little scars compared to the millions of scars that blight his life anyway.

He lights up another match and this time, he successfully manages to light up the cigarette already on his lips. He inhales and feels the head rush hit him almost instantaneously, even before he blows out the poisonous smoke. The woman on his bed coughs and stirs up, her gaze now fixed on to the back of his head. Annoyed, he takes two more puffs in rapid succession, almost choking him. He didn’t pay for her services to care a morsel about her; besides, it’s his room. Like most smokers, he resents how the cigarette makes him feel like shitting a ton. He wishes the cigarette, now almost halfway, could make him release all the shit in his life.

The events that led to this night are still fresh on his mind, burning him, scorching his soul and will to go on in the process. His gaze is fixed on his right hand; he wishes he could cut it off. After all, Jesus did say any part of the body that causes you to sin should be cut off. He wishes it were that easy- to cut off the hand that drove a dagger deep into woman’s chest only hours before and forget the whole thing happened. He knows he’d give anything, including his own life to go back in time and warn his past, angry self before the bugger did the heinous act, because like most murderous, he didn’t intend for it to happen that way. He also knows his anger for her cheating didn’t warrant her death… for starters it has only added more misery into his life… but what is done is done. They are probably looking for him now, but he’s made up his mind not to run.

God knows he already misses her; if she were here he’d probably tell her something cheesy to make her laugh, just to see her warm smile one more time… to hear her beautiful voice call out to him telling him to stop making her ribs ache. He knows he’d probably respond with something even dumber. He’d tell her to forgive him for making her tired, because she’s always running through her mind. He still remembers the very first time he saw her. He was having lunch with a friend when she walked into the hotel. Disappointed they didn’t have pork ready at the time, she left. He’d run up to her and told her he wanted a picture of her to show Santa exactly what he wanted for Christmas that year. He bursts into a drunken, hysterical laughter when he remembers the priceless look on her face. For them it had been the proverbial love at first sight; there had been no need for him to walk by again. People had once described them as the perfect couple.

But like everything else on earth with the exception of Herpes, love too fades away. He makes a resolve.

He staggers one more time to his bed, where by now the hooker, whom he can’t remember her name, has already helped herself to a cigarette, but was too occupied with his thoughts to notice it. He takes out another cigarette and hands the remaining pack to her; where he’s going he won’t need them. Then, he pulls out a bunch of notes without bothering to count them and hands them to her. She knows she was lucky this time. To show her gratitude, she tries to pull him back into bed to give him one last fuck. He declines and she starts putting back her clothes- her work here is clearly done.

She follows him out of the door and watches him as he slowly locks up and without as much as a goodbye; both of them take to their different directions- two strangers that will probably never meet again, at least not in this crowded neighbourhood of Ngara. He pictures his destination in his mind. Outside, it’s began raining but he keeps walking straight ahead, willing every muscle of his legs not to let him stagger, knowing he’ll soon reach his destination. The darkness coupled with the rain trickling down into his eyes make it hard for him to see where he’s going, but he soldiers on, unafraid someone might jump him at any instant in these unsafe streets of Nairobi.

At last, he arrives. He looks up at the signpost that reads ‘Nairobi Central Police Station.’ He smiles as he lights the last cigarette he’s ever going to smoke again. He finally knows he can have a chance of redemption by taking the first step of taking responsibility for his actions. He reduces his pace now, taking one step at a time. He knows he may be drunk, but his mind is clear. This is what he wants to do. What he has to do if he’s to live with himself. Finally, he’s at the doorstep and he throws away the remaining cigarette.

He takes his first step inside the building, his gaze firmly at the book on the desk ahead, unconcerned about the curious glances directed at him. Then his phone starts ringing… A new number. He might as well find out whom his last call will be with.

“Hello, is this Alfred?”

“Hello, yes it is… Who’s this?”

“I’m Dr. Kimana calling from the Nairobi Hospital… We want to let you know your wife was brought here today with a stab wound and we performed an emergency procedure. We managed to save her life.. She’s awake now and she’s asking for you….”

He doesn’t bother letting the doctor finish… Alfred drops the phone and crumbles to the floor, tears in his eyes…

Denno Be like….

If you missed it, this is the attention whoring that started it all. Yeah, i’m talking about the roast that went South on one Joyce Hood; and yes, you guessed right.

A dude was the attention whore in this case. Denno, basically, was on a heavy dry spell and like any other Team Mafisi would do, he found the first lass that was willing and ready. Only in this case, this lass was too willing and ready. Denno backed off, but not before he revealed his true reasons why he rejected the opportunity to end a dryspell longer than Kiyapi’s diastema.

Nonethless, KOT, being the lovers of justice and drama that they are were not left out, especially when it was finally found out that Joyce is the supposed Blogger X.. you’ll understand why Rama went HAM.

I would suggest you read the tweets from bottom going up or it wont make much sense to you:

And to be True Joyce hood Has no heart And Is Desperately in need of a D If you Think i’m joking Take her No. +254714795916. NIMEMALIZA!

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With The Love i have for my D . I CANT TAP THAT’

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At that Time i had Some Baby Locks and she could try all pick up lines like ” i Need to your hair… Nshit” But No! All was in vain.

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Days later She was on My DM like ”Denno Wangu Ulisema Nikujie D Lini??” but the bitch could hear me!

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I couldn’t help myself but Leave her talking To herself…Mpara Khoja Where I Boarded A Mat Mpaka home…

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She said ” niambie Nikuje When unitombe” with my temper i replied ”wewe sasa najua Unadunga boxer kama chali na sijui kama una Pussy’

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She said ” aki For sure Nivenye Na nyesha Saa hii” i told her for sure i cnt fuck you , i’d rather die with this dryspell.

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She continued …” All i want You to Do i To Break My Virginity” and i was like ”wewe Uko sure unasema nini ??”

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…And if you dont believe me We can go to a VCT so that i can get Tested..”And I Murmured to myself ”aki ya Ngai Hii siwes ata na dawa’

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Holding my Ulcers constant now i could face this bitch…. And she told Me ” Denno, on a serious note ,i’m A Virgin and I’m HIV negative…

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We went to some back street Joint and bought some Spirit and i drank it Like water just to see Whether i was Dreaming or not.

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I told her ‘ I’m sorry i cant talk to you while i’m sober i need a blunt or some Alcohol..”

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Sagged Trousers, Lace less shoes And A Torn Bag … That was her! !

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So we Met around Commercial Stage n Dayuum! I WAS AFRAID OF EVEN Hugging her… I was like I’m unfollowing you Right now Via my Inner being

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A certain Friday she texted me ‘Niko Tao tutapatana Lini juu nataka Kukuona’ My anxiety Couldn’t help but say ”niko tao pia”

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Within a Minute my Mentions were Flooding due to that pic he quickly called Me : ”Aki DENNO delete hyo picha pliz, she cried over the 4n

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So i Posted the downloadd pic and Tagged her handle and Niggas like Edgar amutavi nakina Kevoice shockingly askd “is she a he or he a she?’

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She Texted Me : Nikama Unataka Nikutoanishe kwa TL.. I was scared coz that Gangster imagination of her was crippling on my head.

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From the look of things i downloaded One pic And started Doubting Whether that Was a Chiq behnd that A/c so i got mad n Startd like a tweef

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From the look of things i downloaded One pic And started Doubting Where that Was a Chiq behind that A/c so i got mad n Started like a tweef

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Stalking her Pics Here and There Then i saw Some pics and i started asking is this her boyfriend or is this her,but i swerved.

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I Added More Friends Via My Phonebook Contacts and Dayuum I saw ‘twittercrush’s Name ‘JOYCE hood Jayce’ and i could help but start…

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My Dryspell couldn’t Help But Ask To Meet Her Soonest… We kept On forwarding dates … So one day i choose to add more friends on Mkz

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Little did i know i was making my Worst Choice in my Twilife…. And the DM action started… I gave her my Phone number

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And Sooner or later i made up my Mind and i tweeted ” #TweetYourTwitterCrush @joyce_hood

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And i Thought For a Couple of minutes about who to tweet as my twitter crush n i was sitting on the fence to tweet @Tshirrow or @joyce_hood

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Two weeks , Three weeks and the Convo. Went on and on…. And suddenly came a TT ‘ # TweetYourTwitterCrush and then i couldn’t hold it..

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This was back in october Last year… And so the @joyce_hood seemed to be an Attention seeker on my mentions and so i Followed her…

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Started From Making appearances On my Mentions,n i wondered Who’s this Chiq over my Mentions infact i dnt evn fllw her…She was @joyce_hood

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If you Think Twitter aint THAT serious Read The Following…

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Don’t judge me For the Following… [EXPOSED 1 #ACEversion]..

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BEWARE: the Following Monologue may be Used as a Withheld Roast Program. Some will be happy and many will be shocked!

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Blogger Y, i’d suggest you watch your back. You can catch all the action on either these TLs:

@Ramzzy_ @Granvillesoy @Droid254 @Armuisme @Denno_Ace @Chachathegunner @BullyFiasco @Vineeofficiale @_mabbey @Qanyizi

Ciku Muiruri, or as she’s recently been baptised online, Ciku Aliyeshikwo

So, we finally got a new president.. Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta, son to the first president of this country, Mzee Jomo Kenyatta and an ICC suspect. I must say, I was impressed with the way we handled the whole issue. Most of us were just happy there was no violence this time round while the rest of us are just happy we’re finally going to get free wi-fi. Personally, I am excited about the laptops, because now i finally have a chance to have a side hustle of my own convincing nursery school kids that laptops cause cancer of the balls- if there’s anything of the sort- then selling the laptops for them and receiving my humble commission.

Some sore losers on the other hand were conspicuously seen in South Africa, while some brothers in the lakeside shit on themselves, literally, when they couldn’t take it anymore. I forgive them, Tunajiharia Kuwa Wakenya. Others, kina Karoocy, were busy cleaning graffiti off the State House walls, allegedly, after Kibaki, again allegedly, left ‘Kibaki Was Here’ messages all over State House.

However, I did not intend this to be a political blog.

The one thing that brought just about as much controversy as the Swearing in of the fourth president of Kenya was the this week’s Jicho Pevu. More specifically, Classic 105′s Ciku Muiruri, who hosts the popular radio show, Busted. For those of you who still aren’t aware, Ciku was busted on National TV cuddling with one of the Artur Brothers. And boy did that story boil over; Karma the bitch was on some alien PMS mode.

The following morning, Ciku wrote a detailed explanation, insisting the Artur brother in question merely lifted her up to create more space for people at the party. Right. Kenyans unleashed their madness, with some replying, and I quote, that her affidavit did not fool anyone and that it was Amicus Stupidae since it was pretty obvious she was the Amicus Chips Fungae. One idiot in particular said the Artur brothers ‘walimwaga-ryan kwa stronghold.’ Yeah, Kenyans can be rough.

Whether Ciku was indeed telling the truth that space was being created beneath her for other people to sit, squat or stand, we’ll never know. But the one thing that was clear was that being a celebrity in Kenya is tough. In my honest opinion, the only Celebrity that’s never taken heavy fire from Kenyans, especially on Social Media, is Miss Babes. Yeah, the one of the Mitumba High Heels fame. Think about it. Whom else haven’t we roasted?

To consider a few; Bamzigi for starters.

Despite the guy fighting a drug addiction problem and getting his act together by going for rehab then releasing his first song in about as long as I last got laid, people still had a go at him. I admit, Bachete was an ear sore; and a pretty bad one for that matter. The kind that makes the deaf feel a sense of victory over the rest of us. Perhaps it was because he chose to collabo with Kaytrixx, or as he’s better known on Twitter, Gaytrixx. The point here is, Bamzigi was accused of going full retard because he did not quite live up to expectation.

Then there’s KTN’s Ian Mugoya, who was brought to the limelight following a successful season of Changing Times. Then he decided he was rich and famous enough to get dumped by the daughter of the Keroche Industries CEO… and the roller coaster ride had just begun. He went ahead to goldigging a certain lass from the Coast, only this time he was stupid enough to get exposed on FaceBook. As if ndurama that resulted wasn’t enough, he went for the socialite, Huddah, whom I swear I have nothing against. I swear.

Ok, may be just the fact that the blackboard we had back at Primary School was less flat. Or the fact that her P is so pounded she could be the backup currency of the United Kingdom in case anything happened to the Sterling Pound. And we would never know. Ok, never mind. Back to Mugoya. Now nobody takes him seriously anymore and Shee seems to think he’s ‘a broke ass bitch of a man’. Her words, not mine.

Next, there’s Camp Mulla’s babe, Miss Karun. Despite her obvious talent and beauty, people still said she looks like Danny Welbeck. Honestly, I’m still not sure why my crush had to be compared with a dude. One that plays for Manchester United for that matter. Miss Karun was clearly a victim of a MEME that went viral that resulted in me unfollowing the perpetrators of hate-speech against my girlfriend.

One day i will let her know my new binoculars are in love with her too… and perhaps if she’ll let me, that the colour of the paint in her bedroom doesn’t look very nice from a distance. Nevertheless, how people roasted Miss Karun and never for one minute did the same to Kaz will forever remain a mystery to me… pause… oh wait, I think that may have had something to do with her generosity in providing more fap material than the entire pornhub.

Moving on.

Then there is Caroline Mutoko. We all know her story. Magnificent on the microphone at Kiss 100 and splendid at plagiarism and picking fights with Kenyans on Twitter. Carol picked the wrong day(s) to annoy people and it almost resulted in a world war. She had clearly learnt nothing from Alai, who took to the streets to perfect his screaming skills and eventually got rewarded with one of the funniest trending topics I ever saw, #TheAlaiScream. Why she chose to steal an article that had been posted online only months before, I still don’t know… but I doubt she ever will again. Ninjas spotted the article so fast, a premature ejaculator would probably have come last- absolutely no pun intended- if it were a race against time.

Anyway, the list could go on, I haven’t even mentioned Esther Arunga and Jimmie Gay-it and Larry Midomo or even Shaffie the king of being tossed out by bouncers and i won’t, because now you see my point. Being a celebrity in Kenya is hard because people love drama too damn much.

Oh, what the hell, life wouldn’t be the same without them anyway.

Dear newbies, we love you and we want to help you. Please listen to us

I know it’s been a while since I last blogged, but hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Ok, except if you’re one @mbusih, in which case it makes you grow fodder… Anyway, it’s Sunday and instead of lazing around in my house, slowly dying a little every hour that goes by bringing Monday closer and closer, here I am at work, blogging. One of the few free perks I never anticipated when I started my new job. I won’t even get started about my meagre salary- you just know that if any thief tried to rob me all he’d gain is experience.

The thing is, I have some unfinished business with newbies on Twitter. I’ve tried to get past it, but I just can’t. So this one is strictly intended for all newbies out there, who one day hope they can make a name for themselves.

First and foremost, who the hell lied to you newbies that we are your family on Twitter? We love your tweets, not you. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re female and hot, I and the rest of the #TeamMafisi will automatically like you and follow you. We’ll in fact brag we’ve followed you; and for that slight honour, we’ll expect you to respond by following back and commence DM-ing us with immediate effect. The rest of you, if you’re not hot enough we’ll expect you to work hard. And no, please take note that by hot I do not mean that ice cream or chocolate melts in your hand, or that working hard means kissing ass like one @mikeztyme. When we need you to lick our asses we’ll let you know when we’ve run out of toilet paper. Else, you can work smart. Make us laugh using your tweets, and they better not be stolen.

Second, what is the point of being on social media if you’re going to protect your tweets? From whom? Osama? Churchill? Us? Please. We’re not interested in stealing your 12 tweets- and Churchill usually has a whole week of cramming the tweets with the most retweets, which if I’m right, you don’t have. It’s the reason you’ll desperately trying to get noticed in the first place. If you wanna be private, that’s fine by us, but beware Blogger Y always has a way of finding out what you’ve been up to. My advice, don’t give him a damn reason to be curious. And if Blogger Y doesn’t catch up with you, @Droid254 will eventually create a MEME of you. Ask @leee_yo… she knows.

Then, your names. Or rather, your twitter handle. If you’re a dude and you call yourself something like @switsammie or @swit_william, you can go help @Sir_LV do her nails. After you’re done, you can be a darling and help @Kirigwi pick her dress or do something fun like watching the wedding show or tweeting Taylor Swift whom you think would make a perfect boyfriend for her. I’m sure @gaynairobiman will understand if you’ll run out of time to do Karaoke of Justin Beiber’s latest album- I hear it’s called PMS- with her. Ladies on the other hand, what is the point of including the name pretty or pritty or hot or whatever else you dug up from the dictionary in your name? Especially when it’s pretty obvious that the only logical place a man would take you shopping is Photoshop? Hint, the craftier your handle, the more likely people are to follow you back.

There’s also the slight issue about your language, which includes, but not limited to your grammar. We hate typos. Deal with it. You have a dictionary, you have the internet and you have a brain. Even Homer Simpson, with all his stupidity uses correct grammar. You are allowed to hurl insults, be as sarcastic or employ whatever other elements of speech you wish, but not typos. Words such as xaxa and xema are, needless to say, immature and we have a place for them. It’s called Facebook. Or rather, #MKZ. Twitter is full of Grammar Nazis, myself a very renown one for that matter. You can bet your ass that like Liam Neeson of Taken, we’ll find you and we’ll make your life a living hell.

Next, your avis, or avatars if you prefer. Get a decent picture of yourself, your dog, your cat, your crush, your feet, we don’t care. Anything that makes you happy really, provided you do not have an egg for an avi. Only one person is allowed to have that, and that is @babakayai, because thanks to him we now know which came first- the hen. Thanks to him we also know why the chicken crossed the road- to run away from him, you should notice we don’t have a @mamakayai. The point is, I will not and nor will most other people, follow you back if you have an egg for an avi. Ladies, use what you have, use the assets your momma gave you.. it works. Just ask @lencer_B… but avoid at all costs any photos that reveal your gigantic forehead, overgrown teeth, backgrounds that are better looking than you, et cetera et cetera. Basic common sense really.

Finally, we expect you to use numerous hash tags in all your tweets so we see you from afar and know you’re newbies. You are fully expected to stick to your lanes or you’ll end up like one @leondecow, who was once significant. We of the #TeamMafisi fraternity miss his unmatched eyesight when it comes to spotting fresh meat. Also, if over-speeding subarus come your way, because they will, relax. You’re not @sickolia_ or @crazynairobian yet. Your time to engage yourself in pointless tweefs and get labelled a drama- seeking attention whore is still yet to come. Failure to calm the fuck down will prolly result in a twicide.

Avoid the stupid mistakes I made while a newbie myself. Weka akili mpangoni.