My heart is heavy. Still, it could be worse. Today, I almost broke up with my girlfriend of five years (or more, I am not entirely sure how long we have been together.) Well, we have settled things and we are now talking now, I can now connect with her, but it scared the shit out of me. It’s not like I even cheated on her or anything; nothing like that. In fact, I hate hookers. You see, all of them cheat you how you will have the time of your life, till five minutes later they tell you your time is up. So, clearly, wao ni ma-laya.
Anyway, it all started a couple of weeks back. We were in love and we still talked every day, every hour, every minute, every few seconds of our time together. You don’t believe me, do you? I see. But will I die whether you believe me or not? This is a blog anyway. Ivy, that’s my girl’s name btw, started complaining that she couldn’t get through to me a couple of times. She said, her words, “You don’t seem to be in touch with me nowadays. You don’t relate with my relatives.”
Naturally, I had absolutely no idea what on earth she was yapping on about. And the reason I couldn’t understand where this was coming from was, for starters, I had never felt more connected with her. In fact, I felt our connection was growing stronger, fast. And just the other day, I managed to connect with her sister. Whatsapp will bear me witness. I respect and love Ivy too much for me to ignore anything she says. But then, her words seemed to come to life one fateful morning when I had just booted up and I tried to send a ping to her. At first, I was informed that our connection was timing out, just as she had said. Then, as if from nowhere, I was informed that she could not be reached. I started panicking. Almost a full system interrupt.
I sent parity bits. Nothing. Nada. I tried to sleep it off by uninstalling and re-installing my hardware. Still nothing. I switched to my secondary Ethernet device. NOTHING! I decided may be I should reset my configurations and remove all IPs except hers. Nothing was working. I set my Ethernet card to DHCP. I have never liked Static configurations. Full panic mode now. Still, I could connect with my neighbor via wi-fi. (She’s a beauty. She is slim, quite shapely and has all the right features. Granted, she is Android, but she clearly beats any iPhone or iPad. Meh. Nexus!) I decided to check the last 24 hour’s ping stats. I had been online and so had she. In fact, we had been in touch and she had not known it, right till the moment I shut down the previous evening and booted up in the morning. I even checked to see whether my firewall or hers was refusing the connection ffs.
With clearly little else to do, I decided to connect to the internet. I knew how much she loved the internet so I banked on the fact that she would be online. I sent a trace-route. Nothing. I got as far as her ISP but from there she was just nowhere to be found. The real problem was, when I contacted our mutual friends, they had all been in touch with her. In fact, they complained they were not marriage counselors. Apparently, she too had tried to reach me and when she couldn’t, she reached out to them and asked if any of them had been in touch. We hadn’t. I was offline then, remember? My bundles were due to be renewed in the morning when I booted up. Safaricom, man, Gaddem. I have no idea why I haven’t embraced Unliminet yet. It was a relief tho.
Now that for a fact I knew my hardware was in the right shape and was working fine, I decided it had to be my software. I checked to see if any of them had enabled any proxies accidentally. No proxies were active. I checked if my immune system was blocking any connections; in fact, all it reported was that it was out of date and that it needed to be updated. Naturally, I decided to do a complete system restore. I selected the date before we last shared anything, which was the day before yesterday. I didn’t care if any programs I had installed or drivers I had hired the day before would be affected. I just didn’t. Now all I really cared about was reconnecting with my dear Ivy.
The restoration was done. NOTHING!!!!!! I almost crashed and broke down in a binary stream of tears. I was crushed, completely. 101 years had been lost just like that. 11111011111 clearly wasn’t our year.
Then, just as I was about to give up, drop all my security protocols and allow any interested viruses and malware to infiltrate and destroy my system, I received word from Microsoft that they had just discovered a bug. (WTF! I had updated my system just the other day!) Apparently this bug caused false IP addresses being assigned to the Wireless and Ethernet cards and it didn’t matter what you did. You could flush your entire system including the DNSs and it still wouldn’t reach some specific IPs, especially those that you are in communication with constantly. WTF!!!!!!
I didn’t bother applying the fucking security fix.
I have since formatted my system and installed Linux. I had no idea the software was this good. I don’t even need an antivirus anymore because no virus can infect me. Literally. My user interface may look like shit, but hey, I have The Terminal! That Beast! In fact, just seconds after applying Linux, I connected with Ivy seamlessly. Of course I had to explain to her what had happened and why we couldn’t connect for most of today, but she believed me. A couple of her pals had warned her of the same a few days ago but she hadn’t taken it seriously. So, as of now, we are back together. I love you Ivy. (She has since warned me of connecting with the Nexus.) She is also due to install Linux on her system tomorrow.
So, we have come up with a very simple resolution; fuck these daily Safaricom bundles. Fuck Microsoft for its shit of a product called Windows and fuck everyone that believed we were done. Also, fuck you if you still haven’t figured out that we are computers; I am HP and Ivy is Dell.
Ps. If you somehow got this post, mate, you are a computer nerd, geek, whatever you call yourself. LMAO.