THIS POST IS AS IT APPEARED ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE: http://www.facebook.com/vmwask
I never thought I’d say this, but a series of unfortunate events in the past few days have since convinced me otherwise. I despise women… No, in fact, I hate women! There! I said it! Now, before you start asking what the hell I’m yapping endlessly about, let me just say that all my misfortunes currently are directly attributable to these XX chromosome- bearing human beings. What more, I have also had a divine revelation that the end of the world as we know it will be caused by none other than these repugnant people.
Women are not just the beautiful creatures created by God meant to be our companions. Do not be fooled! Beneath those skins they endeavor so much to beautify with all sorts of toxic chemicals, self mutilations in the name of plastic surgery and nowadays not only herbs but also excrement from animals (one more reason for me to hate marriage, which I’ve never really understood in whatever context nor grasped it’s concepts), they are in fact hideous creatures sent by the devil himself to lure man into destruction.
Let me illustrate my point. You know about the Armageddon, don’t you? Of course, sure you do. The common theories put forward are that the Earth will be destroyed by a huge asteroid in the year God knows when, or that the Sun will blow up and blow the Earth along with it (??? Absurd!! You tell me!), and most recently, that our world will end in the year 2012 according to the Mayan calendar, even before I have had an opportunity to fill the Earth as God commanded me to do! I once heard that a large Alien force from a distant planet in search of greener pastures will in future wage war against mankind and will prevail, wiping out all mankind! Hahaha, I think Americans are some of the dumbest human beings on God’s green Earth! It is one thing to make a movie on aliens and to actually expect anyone in their sane mind to believe such gibberish! Besides, don’t you think it is a little funny how aliens are only sighted in America, never in Africa?
Anyway, that’s beside my point. We were talking about women being weapons of mass destruction. My theory is that the end of the world will be caused by a woman. Hush! Hush! First listen before you start discrediting my theory. Now, how will a woman cause the end of the world? Simple! A woman will make some blunder that will trigger the Third World War, which as you may have guessed by now will be nuclear in nature, effectively causing a nuclear apocalypse! Need I say more? The Earth will be wiped out of existence from the universe, along with the nine or so planets in the solar system. All that will remain will be the star commonly known as the Sun and there will not be a single speck of dust left to suggest that the Earth once existed.
Now, I know my theory has a few loose ends, but not to worry. I will try to tighten these up by explaining a few facts for you. Firstly, the Holy Bible does say that at the end of the world, there will be a great war fought by man, one that will be greater than any other that has ever been witnessed by men since the inception of time. My priest would probably punch me if he read this, but then the truth has to be said without fear if people are to be informed. And my main goal is to enlighten you, my dear friends. Or, doesn’t the Bible say, “My people perish out of ignorance!” Although the Bible does not say who or what will cause this disastrous war, it is safe to assume that a woman will be the culprit. Why? It is common sense that there are more women compared to men on Earth, and by simple arithmetic calculations, the probability that a woman will trigger the war is 7:1. For all I know, the much anticipated Antichrist might even be a woman! You know, the one that will allegedly cause MAN much suffering, force us to get grotesque tattoos on our hands and foreheads reading ‘666’ and eventually rule the entire world! God! This is even scarier to imagine than I thought!
Three of my very good friends have time and again branded me a sore chauvinist, and they will probably do it again and again, especially after reading this note, but I want to assure you that I am not. FYI, most of my role models are in fact women. I’m just doing what I think is right; sharing my knowledge so that you will be prepared for the end of days as I am. Now, my fellow men, should this revelation turn out to be in deed true, please don’t panic. Calmly prevent the end of the world by doing the right thing, impregnate all women at the same time. Trust me, it will work, our forefathers once used the same trick. However, on the other hand, should it not come to pass, please do not brand me a false prophet of doom. Rather, acknowledge the fact that this revelation came to me in my sleep and hence, it could very easily have been one of my many dreams that rival Steven Spielberg’s blockbusters. Till then, peace!
Disclaimer: the views herein expressed and explained do not necessarily reflect the true feelings of the author.