Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet who act as a gay couple in the popular T.v. comedy 'Modern Family' as Mitchell and Cameron respectively.

Haha, relax. I am not trying to kill myself. But this post is and I am sure so will you after you read it. You see, a few months back, in my usual alcoholic escapades, I met a guy who narrated to me his story. He told me how he had been looking for a job and how when he was about to give up all hope, he finally landed one as a Shamba Boy. It wasn’t a prestigious job per se, but the benefits that supposedly came with it were incredible. The job was simple; tend to the little garden at a guy’s house for Ksh 20,000 per month. If he showed his commitment by staying on the job for at least a year and a half, he would get a car and a house. Not bad for a Shamba Boy, right? Sadly, he quit before he even started the job. In my head, he was a dumb ass; in Kenya getting a job with a tax-free salary and guaranteed job security is a hustle. Then the story got nasty…

He promptly moved to his new employer’s house, which as he learnt, was shared by three men and a lady. It was all fun till it was night; he heard strange noises originating from the bedroom. This he didn’t exactly mind, so people have orgies here, big deal. He didn’t really care; he was there for the money. That was until he woke up in the middle of the night in nothing but his boxers and no recollection of how he wound up in the bedroom, next to his employer. I mentioned his employer was a man, right? And he may or may not have participated in gay sex; his memory was hazy. I nearly died with laughter as he recounted his Steven Spielberg type of escape.

Till I found myself in the Jeevanjee Gardens smoking zone on Wednesday, that story was a figment of my memory. My cigarette was nearly burnt halfway when some dude walked up to me. In my head, I knew he wanted to borrow one; smokers are generous people. I gladly offered him one so he’d leave me alone. He didn’t. Now he was staring at me funny. So I asked,

“Man, what the hell do you want?”

“YOU.”

I laughed. Then I realized he was serious when he started walking closer to me with a sheepish grin on his face. In truth, till then I had no idea I could run that fast- I thanked the fast food I had just had for lunch. I need not tell you that I quit smoking for the third time this year that day.

I have since called it a divine intervention to make me quit smoking for good; the only logical way I can really explain it is that God works in strange, mysterious ways. Like how he guided the Jews under Moses in the desert for 40 years only to bring them to the one part of Asia that has no oil. You see, I am homophobic and I bet God knows since He is Omniscient. I am not proud of it because I know it isn’t their fault. 75% of them don’t choose to be gay; only 25% of them are SUCKED into it. Most of them are born that way. And that is the reason I wrote this post. And since I know how controversial this post is going to be, I have decided to walk a mile in your shoes first before I criticize anyone. That way, if any one of you retaliates, I am a mile away and yes, I have your shoes.

I’m sure you remember Prison Break. In my opinion, it was one of the best jail breaks of all time after the one in the Shawshank Redemption. True, it had an unrealistic story, but it was brilliant. My love for it was so great that I loathed the directors of Prison Break for not making the main character, Michael Scofield, gay. I am sure he wouldn’t have been that enthusiastic to run away from Fox River State Penitentiary if the stories they tell of prison are anything to go by. The only way to punish a gay man is by sending him to a female prison. In short, it would have allowed the show to last a couple more seasons longer.

Wednesday’s events got me to reconsider. Prison Break with a gay Michael Scofield wouldn’t have worked. I wouldn’t even have watched it to start with. I am biased towards gay people, as are most of you I am sure. And for no particular reason mind you. According to the Bible, God once burnt down an entire city because most of its occupants were gay, which gave us the word sodomy. My question being, how many of you have been sodomized to start with or do you just make gay jokes for the fun of it? How many people have valid reasons to loathe gay people? As I mentioned before, most of the time, a genetic or a hormonal imbalance produces gay symptoms. You don’t just wake up and decide a man’s butt looks edible.

Gay people are human too. But I suppose it wouldn’t mean much to you if you haven’t seen how much suffering most of them go through; don’t start making jokes like “if sex is a pain in the ass then you’re doing it wrong”. This is a serious matter. A friend of a friend committed suicide after it was discovered he was gay. I don’t know how many more have to die before we accept the fact that like whatever the genre of music Souljah Boy invented, some things are here to stay. Call it what you want, it is the truth. Jimmie Gait, Justin Beiber and the age of Skinny Jeans tucked into Pink Supras are evidence enough. In fact, all sweet, nice and handsome men are already taken. By their boyfriends…

I am not saying that people should be gay; all I am saying is that it makes sense to be accommodative of them because they are here to stay. Hell, they even make good Army Generals; even in war, they just can’t leave their friends behind. My pastor always said, “Jesus loves you no matter who you are” and I agree with him. However, be cautious WHERE you are told that “Jesus loves you”. Apparently in Mexican and Spanish prisons, if a person tells you, “Jesus loves you!” my friend, please be afraid. Be very afraid. Anyway, now I am off to find a noose to hang myself with as I am pretty sure this post has definitely done the same thing to my budding career as a writer.

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Comments
  1. apotene says:

    nobody is born gay that much i can boldly say, man has a tendency to find solace in stupid things when they can’t explain the mess they are in. fact is people look for answers and they will settle for less when none is the alternative

  2. charlz says:

    ….mnh.much said.am born thz way n until a miracle happens..al remain to love n appreciate who i am….ad cry n die if my mom told me …charlz u r nt my son…..the rest cn kip on talking.

  3. TINDY says:

    hahaha you never disappoint!! got me thinking mmmh…..

  4. ketihapa says:

    No apotene. Some people do choose to be gay, but even then, psychological factors contribute to this. Most are born that way. Read the external research on the same here: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation#section_1

    in truth, korean scientists have altered sexual orientation in a lab through genetics.

  5. ketihapa says:

    Faith tindi, hehe. Thanks. That was the entire point of the post; get people thinking

  6. ketihapa says:

    Charlz, good point. All that matters is that you accept who you are and you are at ease with it.

  7. Gibson Mzame says:

    Funny i didnt discover this blog earlier…

  8. ladyzigizy says:

    Wow. Gays are cool B-)

  9. ketihapa says:

    Mzame, it started last month 🙂 that’s why

  10. ketihapa says:

    Paula my lady, i am not gay for the record, but i do know really awesome gay people 🙂

  11. KenyanKid™ says:

    You never cease to amaze me. I have my own opinion but I always lose arguments…unless I’m arguing with a tipsy human. So, I’ll keep mine to myself. Good job though. You hit a nerve.

  12. sivle says:

    As even the writter knows, i may have gay tendancies but that daen mean am gay. I happen to loathe them. They are the next thing after the china phone that is a disgrace to mankind. sorry if theres a person with a different opinion but it had to be said..

  13. iMaasai says:

    Nice piece! I always tried to convince people in high skool that people dnt just choose to be gay but no one believed me, they ended up thinking I was gay myself, that and the fact that I owned pink socks…..wish a liberal minded citizen lyk u was there to give them a seat!

  14. iMaasai says:

    I remember lying to a chiq on fb from ug that I was gay coz she strictly wanted a gay friend! Went on for a few tyms till I started saying how hot she was and I confessed I wasn’t gay thinking we were already tight enuf but seems she cdnt take a joke! My sorry straight ass was dumped faster than I could say “am a gay trapped in a straight body”

    • ketihapa says:

      Hahahaha, maasai, your comment has definitely made my day. How on Earth do you pretend to be gay just so you can get close to a chic? you wanna tell me she never caught you with a hard on at any point in time?

  15. ketihapa says:

    Kenyankid, haha. Don’t ever marry without a prenup then. When she figures out you can’t argue you’re done!

  16. ketihapa says:

    Elvis, lol. Kuwa mpole. I didn’t say you were gay. But hey, everyone is entitled to their opinion

  17. tsharonne says:

    i think gay people should have a way to ‘smell’ their gay counterparts from afar so that they can sto startling those of us who r very strait! i still dont think anyone is born gay

  18. KenyanKid™ says:

    Definitely follow you on that one. Its a jungle out there…a jungle with gay zebras. So bittersweet.

  19. Kimani says:

    This reminds of an event around mid 2009..now am at a swank night club with a female pal..just enjoying ourselves then a guy walks and greets us..so i say hi and assumes he knows my pal and go back to my drink..then he starts to hit on me..to cut the story short,we just left the club and into home..i spent the next day traumatised and the whole nyt with my pal assuring myself i look manly and i was the one to part legs to enjoy sex not part my ass to be humped on!!..waah gay people should have a code and leave us the straight ones ALONE

  20. ketihapa says:

    Tsharonne lmao I don’t think God created people with abilities to smell sexual preferences

  21. ketihapa says:

    Kimani, i know what you mean. You are every bit a man as i am as is every other man, so don’t let it get to you

  22. ketihapa says:

    Kenyankid, hahaha that comment cracked me up. Zebras, seriously? How do you even determine the sex of a zebra? They all look the same, like the chinese

  23. Ivy says:

    No, I dont think your career as a writer is over considering the feedback. My 2 cents worth? I say live and let live. The world is big enuf for us 2 all coexist peacefully. BUT should a lesbian hit on me, I would rather she was not the scary looking manly type (that wuld damage my esteem) but the hot kind… you know those who actually CHOOSE to dip into the pool of lesbianism, not those who are forced into t cuz they cant snag a man. Then I wuld b flattered as I courteously refuse.

    • Kimani says:

      Ha ha ha Ivy i like ur comment..ati not the scary type?..i just wonder how women know other pretty ones..men just know who’s richer

      • ketihapa says:

        Kimani, LMFAO. Women will die before they can admit another woman is prettier than them. Consider this, you buy a pair of shoes, but when you hit the streets, lets say, you go to a club and you find a guy with similar shoes, what do you do? my guess is, you’re happy that you’re not the only one who thinks they are awesome.
        Now, consider women, same scenario. my guess is this is conversation would go down;
        woman 1: That bitch.
        woman 2: you’re the bitch, get your own damn style.
        woman 1: you copied me first, you low life.

        tell me i’m wrong

    • ketihapa says:

      ivy, it seems to be quite the contrary. but i agree, the world is big enough to accomodate everyone.

  24. deMaitha says:

    I guess the buzzword is #nomuffledkiller

  25. Evans says:

    ‘U dn’t jst wake up n decide a man’s butt looks edible’ ha ha . *dead*

  26. nikbwelaz says:

    ‘Jesus loves you’ might be the code name to spring up,but seriously this is an eye sight imbalance uta confuse aje a chile for a dude to munch……naona hawa maboyz wa kenya wapelekwe mexico.

  27. asterix says:

    Always wondered. The guys who have sex change, r they gay. Anatomically, they become female but thaz about it. (Well, if u want to include hormonal treatment…) And the guys who hook up with them knowingly, r they bi-curious, straight, bi or gay. Just asking….

    • ketihapa says:

      They get their male parts removed. They do get breasts with hormone treatment, vaginas i am not sure. But intresting argument though haha

      • asterix says:

        Boss, I know they get hormonal treatments which cause them to grow breasts, have less hair, put more pitch to their voice than bass, etc. etc. But then how would u classify them + guys who hook up with them? Would those guys say ‘ I got puny last night?’ And yes, they mold the p***y from the canal….. * shudder*

  28. ndiwe says:

    homosexuality is a carnal belief.That is why, for those who have died to their carnal minds,it is a sin,because the spirit of conviction and the word will clearly tell you that!!its one more lie of the devil.(lust of the flesh 1st John 2:15)please dont be offended,just really seek for the truth-from God!

    • ketihapa says:

      Haha, wendy, if you think about it, you are right. the only thing is, the bible doesnt sayvhow we should relate with them, right?

      • ndiwe says:

        All answers are in the Bible!!!!ALL!!!!If u look for them,you’ll find them!!!!!But i have to give credit…your writing skills are indeed amazing.whether i agree with the content or not,your’re
        really good:)))!!!

  29. shiro says:

    The Bible does not tell us how we should relate to them cz it was not His intention that ‘gayism’ exist in the first place…God made Adam and then Eve as a companion..not Steve….

    • ketihapa says:

      Shiro exactly, that’s what i mean the bible falls short of. If the old testament got to a point it was so irrelevant due to change in times and a new testament had to be drafted, who’s gonna tell us now how to relate with gay people now? We certainly cant kill them, it’s against the bible and we can’t lock them up, it’s against their basic rights as human beings. So why not live and let live?

      • while it might not tell us how to relate, I believe it gives us an example… Christ himself hung out with the outcasts and rejects and unaccepteds… hate the sin, not the sinner. that’s what God does.

  30. ketihapa says:

    Asterix O____o lmao. I don’t wanna think about how they hook up in the first place. It’s messier than messi

  31. ivy says:

    Hahaha… So what was your reaction when you discoverd that Wentworth Miller is infact gay? I love it when this bitch, mother nature, gets the last laugh…

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