Yes, bad TV will do this to you.

One of the most touching stories I ever read went something like this if my memory serves me right:

An old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in a train, which was about to leave the station. As the train started the young man, who was seated next to the window, was filled with joy and curiosity. He put his hand out of the window to feel the passing wind and he shouted, “Papa see all the trees are moving past us.” The old man smiled and acknowledged his son’s feelings. A couple seated beside the young man, listened to the conversations between the father and son. They felt a little awkward with the child-like behavior of the 25-year old man.

Again the young man shouted, “Papa, see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train”. The couple again felt embarrassed with the young man’s behavior. It started to rain and the rain drops touched the young man’s hand. He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes. He shouted again, “Papa it’s raining, water is touching me.” The couple couldn’t help themselves and asked the old man, “Why don’t you visit the doctor and get your son treated.” The old man replied, “Yes, we just came from the hospital. Today my son got his eyes for the first time in his life.”

Most of you will agree with me, I know; it is a powerful story, the moral of which is supposed to be ‘not everything appears as it is on face value’. But no, I am not a motivational speaker no will I ever be. Rather, the story got me thinking. Imagine if the poor fellow opened his eyes and the first thing he saw in 25 years was a typical Kenyan television show. The shock and dismay he would get equals that if he regained his eyesight and the first thing he saw was Chelsea beating Barcelona courtesy of a Torres goal after Messi messed a pelanty.

So, I compiled a list of the top five worst things ever to be aired on Kenyan TV, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, drum rolls….

5. Naija Movies

I really do not want to sound cliché. Nigerian movies to say the least are tedious and unending. The plots of all movies are basically the same and I suspect they have one national script writer, much like our very own Naomi Kamau who came up with the once brilliant likes of Tahidi High and Mother in Law. It unnerves me that every sentence for some reason has to start and end with “oh”, more or less like Kenyan TV anchors tend to think every sentence in an interview has to start with “now”. They have badly choreographed cinematography which involves the all too familiar scene where the killer begs for permission to kill his victim beforehand just before you hear “Afro-Cinema continues shortly”. On the plus side they do have impressive 4D effects; Disturbing, Disgusting, Depressing and Disappointing.

4. Papa Shirandula / Inspekta Mwala / Tahidi Highs

I couldn’t decide which is worse. These shows have a palpable similarity. Badly suited actors, bad sound quality, forced humor and usually, non-existent story lines. I do not know whether the actors sign an “act like a kid” contract because I find it really hard to believe that most of them are capable of behaving like adults. In my honest opinion, Machachari is a way better show because at least the childishness depicted is at least acted out by children. These three shows have adamantly refused to end despite being long overdue and the worst bit is, they have no seasonal breaks and the actors look like they crammed their lines on the spot, if any exist that is. God knows even Mike Sonko with his missing brain would do a better job.

3. Weather forecasts

Some of you will dispute why this is ranked third on my list. But if you can answer this question for me I will gladly take it off the list. So here goes, if it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Wipe that sneer off your face. I’m glad you now see what I mean. The point is, nobody- not even the weather men- can predict the future. I can assure you the only way to not get rained on in town is to avoid anyone called Wambua, Wambura or Nyambura but just in case it does rain na unyeshewe, I hope you remembered to carry Always with you and or condom shoes. And an umbrella.

2. #TheTrend

NTV’s The Trend. What trend? The only thing I see trending when it airs is boredom which is unfortunate since the show is presented by one James Smart. The sad irony is that James Smart isn’t even well dressed to start with. His questions are lame and un-smart and he picks topics on events that happened decades ago, for instance bringing Robert Alai on the show. I do not refute that he probably saved mankind with his famous scream that reportedly rebuffed an Alien invasion; or that the US thought the self-proclaimed ’22 year old’ was the human version of Power Puff Girls, who also have a cute but formidable Super Sonic scream. But why bring back something that happened and trended months ago? I will forgive anything, except typos and backward people. The trend is the latter and the fact of the matter is #TheTrend is a tragic imitation of Aljazeera’s #TheStream.

1. Q TV

The biggest washout on Kenyan TV is undoubtedly Q TV. For once, a TV channel other than **KBC managed to irritate people. I tried giving Q TV the benefit of doubt because I thought they had one or two watchable shows. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Nulla. Let me try Swahili, HAKUNA. The entire channel is unwatchable. I agree with whoever said that Q TV is the fifth horseman of the apocalypse, because the fact of the matter is, Q TV is enough to make anyone commit suicide. Even a cat with its nine lives wouldn’t survive it. In fact, I heard the government is working on a deal that will allow in-mates in Kamiti to swap their Jail Time for Q TV. Yeah, it is that serious. Someone joked on twitter that they are ISO certified; they are eye-sore certified that is.

**Please note that for the purposes of accurate and fair ratings, just like tax, KBC was excluded on basis bankruptcy. Also, should your TV screen break, please do not try to fix it with video TAPE. It doesn’t work, trust me, I have tried and failed miserably. Have a good week people.

  1. HESO says:

    Afadhali hio pesa ya QTv wangetubuiya nyamchom na mizinga !! wish the floods wud sweep away their station !! n the weather focus !! nmenyeshewa mara ngapy juu yao n kuvaa fulana on sunny daiz !!

  2. mmnjug says:

    Hahahaha!! Nice one!

  3. Dedow says:

    If my Maths teacher was unable to answer ‘how cold double zero’ who the f am I to? Hehe.. Awesme piece

  4. ladyzigizy says:

    Terribly terrific

  5. Kax_o says:

    Naija movies—–>4D..nice one!!

  6. nikbwelaz says:

    wow this kinda. ..gunisse “don realy care the spelling” but kwani yaani nmg pia hawaoni haya instead ya kuimprove ata ntv they put up another shame airwave,n who the hell who dreses this dudes the big horrible pies of shit called ties ngai!..

  7. raps says:

    i totally agree on q tv my gosh the rubbish ,i cant help but guffaw @ ur 4D..did u forget sabuni(soaps)

  8. asterix says:

    In all fairness, akina sijui Papa Shirandula, Inspekta Mwala wat not has its audience. I find the attempted humour abit elementary but there are some guys who it resonates with. CBN- now that’s a brave station. Yaaaani!!!! U gotta watch it and rate it. It takes the cake. U will find akina helicopter church here with their m-kanisa. 4D- that’s classic

  9. asterix says:

    Oh btw I can be a smart ass about the weather question. If it’s 0 degrees -celsius I presume. Convert to F. U get 32. Divide by 2 and u get ur answer in F. U can convert back to C. Works the same way if u start with C. QED. CBN takes the slot.

  10. Ivy says:

    I would say Mexican and Filipino soaps take the prize for worst TV ever but I think that they are simply misclassified under romance when they are infact sitcoms. Characters have weird names, funny accents, the main themes are premature pregnancies and pedophile… and the heroine is more often than not, a retard. Then there are those monothematic shows like Shuga ( and its not as if they make up for lack of content by having good looking actors. if i wanted to watch ugly people all I have to do is stand kwa stage).

  11. asterix says:

    See I figured it out ehh!!! And u give me a standing ovation with ur longest finger??? Cmon….be nice. I think I deserve a pint 😀

  12. Ray says:

    Wewe ebu lenga my afro cinema lol good work here swee uko poa can see apart from perv-ism unafikiria

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