Pretty little liars

A man died and went to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. However, as he looked around amazed by the beauty of Heaven, he soon spotted a large wall with millions of clocks on it and curious, he asked, “Excuse me sir, but what are all those clocks?”

St. Peter looked at him and replied, “Those are the Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock and every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” he continued, “And whose clock is that?” St. Peter replied, “That belongs to Jesus. The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie.”

“And whose is that?” he asked, amazed. “That one belongs to Abraham Lincoln. The hands have only moved twice, indicating he only told two lies his entire life.”

“And where is my clock?” he asked, clearly excited. St. Peter grinned and said, “Oh, yours is in my office. I am currently using it as a fan.”

Sadly, whether that man went to heaven or not, I have no idea. He was Kikuyu unfortunately and from what I hear, they have been banned from hell after they once put out the fire and tried to sell Lucifer a matchbox. Heaven too; there they falsified documents for their loved ones back on earth. More seriously though, I used that man symbolically to represent the women living in our midst. Shocked? Probably not. If you’re a woman and you’re still reading this post, please stop; i am out to expose you.

Oh, well, I guess you can’t follow instructions either. And you ask why I do not trust any woman other than my mother. Moving on. I compiled a list of the worst lies women hide beneath at the expense of unsuspecting men. To my fellow men, I kindly ask you to take a seat, this might get ugly:

Dating

You have been duped, and you’ve fallen flat on your face. Remember that one time she told you, “Hey honey, I am sorry I couldn’t come to see you. I was hanging out with my friends and I thought it would have been awkward for you.” or that time she said she couldn’t tell you she loved you back because she was at a meeting or with her parents? Or worse, how she told you she already had a boyfriend or that time she said she’d just come out of a difficult relationship but she insisted you can be friends? Of course you do. She broke your heart. Not to add to your misery, but she probably thought you are one ugly nigger.

May be she tricked you into carrying her handbag only for you to find out you’d been friend zoned? I am sorry to break your heart further; she probably didn’t want you from the start. She loves you, granted, but just as much as she loves the tents and sufurias in her massive handbag. You’re her accessory. Not to worry, I have the perfect solution for you; walk away. If you’re the one that fell for the ‘I couldn’t tell you I love you’ excuse, I have an even better solution, find a shot gun and find the man that’s been banging her behind your back. Also, if she said you’re her third lover, double that and add 3.

Her Language

All women lie. Period. That includes her body language for your information. Give it up, you can’t read the signs. You told her, “Is it okay if the boys and I go to a strip club? It’s Ken’s birthday,” And she replied, “It’s okay dear. Go have fun.” Never mind the fact that you found her waiting for you at the said strip club- you hadn’t even told her which- with a strange illness that somehow disappeared when you agreed to take her to the hospital. Lying is an art women have perfected. She’ll tell you one thing when she means the exact opposite.

“The sex was great.”

Yeah, she was embarrassed to ask whether it was in. In fact, she wished she’d told you that you are better at turning on phones and other electronics. My advice, do not try to understand her; Always have more songs for their ads- enough to release an album- than the knowledge men have about women.

Her Appearance

This is how far this conspiracy goes. It’s in her makeup, her boobs and her ass and of course, in her hair. It’s in everything she wears. A friend of mine confessed how he dumped his girlfriend without a shred of emotion when the doctor ordered her head shaved so he’d treat her. As you may already have guessed, it was nothing like he’d ever seen or imagined. Numerous corners only matched by one Vincent Kompany, the Martian. If you never see her without tons of makeup, be afraid. How many more horses have to lose their hair to make weaves, I don’t know.

Then there is the fake ass and boobs. Ladies, please, if you do not have as much money as Nicki Minaj, we will always remember how flat your chest was. The only problem with this lie is that most men never see past it. God gave men two heads and unfortunately just enough blood to run one of them at any given time, not both. You decide which head wins each time. My advice, this one you can go along with; enjoy it while it lasts but don’t yank your hand off.

Children

Every man’s dream is to one day have a little kid calling him daddy, hugging him; a child that recognizes he is Superman, even when the world thinks he is two-timing brainless idiot (Read Eden Hazard). It is this card that women build marriages on and effectively, tie down unsuspecting men. There is this couple that had been making love when by accident the woman switched on the lights, only to discover that the man was calmly reading a novel while using a dildo on her. The woman demanded for an explanation to which the man replied,

“Sure, but only if you will explain our three kids.”

If you’re a man and you suspect your kid looks more like your neighbor than you, you’re probably not his father. They say Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it; that’s how scared shitless you’ll be when she plays the “I’m pregnant” card on you. Sadly, there are no mandatory paternity tests. My advice, women bank on the fact that what you don’t know can’t hurt you, so unless the real father was Jack Bauer and the kid suddenly starts beating you up, if the cat isn’t out of the bag yet, don’t let it out. If it is, walk out on her, not the kids. It wasn’t their fault their mother slept with China.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. KenyanKid™ says:

    The bloggers have it out for the women this week. If those bloggers were criminals and women were the cops, you’d be on the most wanted list.

  2. Ivy says:

    True, most women lie to men. But its because most of your egos are wrapped up in small, seemingly unimportant things and we simply don’t have the heart to take those things from you.
    But when it really matters, we tell the truth. So, if you’ve never met a woman who was honest with you then you’ve never been fortunate enough to find one who thinks you are worth the fight. (Even sluts have that 1 person they are true to.)

    • ketihapa says:

      i did ivy. but i lost my way from her heart so far away i’m not sure i can find my way back 😦 may be it was my ego that blinded my compass as you say

  3. DailyIblog says:

    This week bloggers have decided to hit hard on women, acha ni keti hapa ningoje response to all these.

    • ketihapa says:

      Hahaha, i think it’s because we’re all in agreement the woman that was told she’s the bomb yesterday on Moi Avenue was the cause of that blast.

  4. charlz says:

    Ghai Fafa…….

  5. muchiriibara says:

    Hehe! Beware, you might get a reply for this blog. Nice one Vicky!

  6. Nitapaa says:

    Your mother is definitely as human as any woman is so if you cant say the above stuff about her too then that’s all the proof you need to know that all women are not liars. You need to start associating yourself with such nice women so that you can give your future kids the chance to also have a mother like yours. I hope you are proud of your dad for being wise enough to know that all women are not as bad as you claim them to be.

    • ketihapa says:

      i tried, and failed miserably. i am not saying all women are like that, i said women in general because most of them are like that, unfortunately. and if you know of any such good women, please point them to my direction 😀

      • Nitapaa says:

        Nothing good comes easy so you better keep trying till you find her. They say the best fruits are found at the top most branch of the fruit tree.

  7. Hahaha,nyinyi mafucker munajiitanga mablogger mumesema wanake hawapumui hi wiki. . . Good stuff tho.

  8. SAFARAH! says:

    Awesome and so true. Dude yu are brilliant.

  9. fifi says:

    Funny how almost all those lines you say women use were used by guys av dated b4…I guess its safe to assume ad been dating women..lolz

  10. fifi says:

    Lol…dudes use the same shitty lines n its ‘realistic’,but if women use them its lies??
    So many bad things to comment..but al save them n let u shine for the awesome blog..good read 🙂

  11. mmnjug says:

    Hahahaha!! This week its expose after expose!! From Moha Jichopevu to bloggers……..!!

  12. Gaia says:

    Well, if its going to hurt him, why tell him? There are some things that aren’t really important, but they’re tied to a man’s ego. And if you tell him the truth about those things, he gets hurt for nothing.

    Plus men obsess over some things. Like the number of guys you’ve been with. You tell him the truth, he starts obsessing over stuff. ‘Was he better than me?’ ‘Was he…?’ ‘Was the other one…?’ Its not worth it. Tell him he’s your third. Your clueless first, your annoying ex and him-your glorious current. Simple.

    • ketihapa says:

      Haha, i was right. Double the said figure, then add 3. But true, guys do obsess over very trivial things, myself included. Our egos just have to be fed

  13. @kendykiogora says:

    Hahaha! Largely true…

  14. Ray says:

    Eh Vick gai ata sisemi but am not that bad lol good stuff

  15. jahnekoh says:

    haha this my friend is a banger and by the way men too lie, at least i have a fan that got least to fan hell.

  16. wycliff says:

    hehe.. i just had to share this!!

  17. wycliff says:

    haha..nice… have to share this

Leave a Reply: Your opinion matters

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s