A wince, followed instantaneously by a rapid series of blinks. I stumble onto a rock and almost lose my balance, but I lean against the wall just in time to avoid tumbling to the ground. Nevertheless, I still have enough eye-hand coordination left to light up a cigarette and not burn my fingers in the process. The head rush kicks in almost immediately and for the second time, I lean against the wall, with my back this time.
That’s when I notice the hooded man slowly making his way towards me. Alcohol, I know is supposed to make your mind foggy but not me. Alcohol is like rain. It makes all things look clear and beautiful actually- the grass, the flowers. I can only assume my neighbor doesn’t get rained on much though. Don’t get me wrong, I like her- the world wouldn’t be the same without her. You see, everything comes in twos; fear and bravery, male and female, light and darkness… I suppose there wouldn’t be beauty without ugliness either.
Anyway, my eyes are fixed onto the shiny, pointed object in stranger’s hand. It takes me a few seconds to realize it’s a knife and I try to run away but I know I’m walking in zigzags. Most people call it staggering. The hooded man has already picked up his pace, but I know in a few more steps I’ll be out of the dark alley and out harm’s way too. I don’t see it coming. An arm leaps out from the shadows and grabs me by the neck nearly choking me. I try to shake him off but by then, the hooded man is upon us, pointing his knife towards me. Words are not necessary- I am either getting mugged or raped. I silently pray it’s the former.
He reaches into my pockets and I almost thank him for not going for my zipper instead. He calmly removes my wallet but just then my phone starts ringing and I can almost sense a smile forming on his face. Bastard. He goes for my pocket again, this time fishing for my phone. It’s the man walking by with a torch that gives me my window of opportunity.
As soon as he sees the light (no pun intended), my assailant tries to find cover in the darkness and the man choking my throat loosens his grip in the process. I punch him hard in his belly with my elbow and throw him against the wall, which hits his head and he passes out. His partner lunges at me with the knife but he stops in his tracks when he sees the barrel of my gun staring him in the face. Poor bastards missed it and it was tucked under my shirt all along. Like before, there is no need for words.
He drops the knife in surrender and I force him to kneel down. He starts pleading for his life but I proceed to shove the gun on his head, making sure he feels the cold of the steel. He pees on himself and I almost burst out laughing with satisfaction. I retrieve my phone as well as all the money he stole, leaving him with just enough in case he’ll need bus fare to get home. Then, calmly, I stagger away and it’s all over in just under 10 minutes. Unless you’re gay, you can call me a badass.
Well, except, as you may have already guessed, that is not how the story ended. For starters, when my assailant grabbed me I lost the fight against gravity and I fell down, bruising my hand in the process. Nobody passed by with a torch and I did not kick or hit anything and they took everything in my pockets- my phone, wallet, cash, the remaining cigarettes, as well as my shoes and my bag. The keys to my place were in the bag, mind you, and I had no spare keys. And sadly, unless it was my entire lower abdomen that produced that much sweat in a minute, I may have peed on myself.
Regardless, three weeks later, I am now okay and over it so you do not have to worry about me. Worry instead about the fact that Someone gets mugged every ten minutes. Poor guy. Anyway, I am sure we all hate thieves, muggers and robbers; especially the armed ones… let me rephrase that. We all hate them, especially those with weapons. Of that lot, I personally despise muggers most; they make you pee. You got to hand it to muggers; they are… wait that doesn’t sound right. They don’t need you to hand anything to them, they just grab it. The most unfortunate of the lot on the other hand are thieves who steal clocks and calendars. If they’re caught, they face time, while those that steal calendars get 12 months. Get it? No? Moving on.
The worst of the lot, however, are women, who steal your heart then trample on it with no remorse when they’re done with it. I don’t blame them; a woman has to find a man who has money, a man who is great in bed and a man who adores her…. Finding all these three men, who should never meet by the way, is not an easy task. I have therefore vowed, for the last time this time, to take my studies seriously if I’m to get filthy rich in future and eliminate the need for a woman in my life.
On that note, I am now off to study as I have exams this week thanks to the lecturers that have selfishly refused to go on strike. Oh, before I forget, ladies- my bad, I mean Jimmie Gait- if someone offers you free tampons with absolutely no strings attached, don’t take them. It is a bloody bad deal…. Also, you’re an idiot if you call it being mugged when you’re hit with a huge cup.