Twitter Newbies, STFU and Pay Attention Here

Posted: April 7, 2013 by ketihapa in Twitter
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Dear newbies, we love you and we want to help you. Please listen to us

I know it’s been a while since I last blogged, but hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Ok, except if you’re one @mbusih, in which case it makes you grow fodder… Anyway, it’s Sunday and instead of lazing around in my house, slowly dying a little every hour that goes by bringing Monday closer and closer, here I am at work, blogging. One of the few free perks I never anticipated when I started my new job. I won’t even get started about my meagre salary- you just know that if any thief tried to rob me all he’d gain is experience.

The thing is, I have some unfinished business with newbies on Twitter. I’ve tried to get past it, but I just can’t. So this one is strictly intended for all newbies out there, who one day hope they can make a name for themselves.

First and foremost, who the hell lied to you newbies that we are your family on Twitter? We love your tweets, not you. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re female and hot, I and the rest of the #TeamMafisi will automatically like you and follow you. We’ll in fact brag we’ve followed you; and for that slight honour, we’ll expect you to respond by following back and commence DM-ing us with immediate effect. The rest of you, if you’re not hot enough we’ll expect you to work hard. And no, please take note that by hot I do not mean that ice cream or chocolate melts in your hand, or that working hard means kissing ass like one @mikeztyme. When we need you to lick our asses we’ll let you know when we’ve run out of toilet paper. Else, you can work smart. Make us laugh using your tweets, and they better not be stolen.

Second, what is the point of being on social media if you’re going to protect your tweets? From whom? Osama? Churchill? Us? Please. We’re not interested in stealing your 12 tweets- and Churchill usually has a whole week of cramming the tweets with the most retweets, which if I’m right, you don’t have. It’s the reason you’ll desperately trying to get noticed in the first place. If you wanna be private, that’s fine by us, but beware Blogger Y always has a way of finding out what you’ve been up to. My advice, don’t give him a damn reason to be curious. And if Blogger Y doesn’t catch up with you, @Droid254 will eventually create a MEME of you. Ask @leee_yo… she knows.

Then, your names. Or rather, your twitter handle. If you’re a dude and you call yourself something like @switsammie or @swit_william, you can go help @Sir_LV do her nails. After you’re done, you can be a darling and help @Kirigwi pick her dress or do something fun like watching the wedding show or tweeting Taylor Swift whom you think would make a perfect boyfriend for her. I’m sure @gaynairobiman will understand if you’ll run out of time to do Karaoke of Justin Beiber’s latest album- I hear it’s called PMS- with her. Ladies on the other hand, what is the point of including the name pretty or pritty or hot or whatever else you dug up from the dictionary in your name? Especially when it’s pretty obvious that the only logical place a man would take you shopping is Photoshop? Hint, the craftier your handle, the more likely people are to follow you back.

There’s also the slight issue about your language, which includes, but not limited to your grammar. We hate typos. Deal with it. You have a dictionary, you have the internet and you have a brain. Even Homer Simpson, with all his stupidity uses correct grammar. You are allowed to hurl insults, be as sarcastic or employ whatever other elements of speech you wish, but not typos. Words such as xaxa and xema are, needless to say, immature and we have a place for them. It’s called Facebook. Or rather, #MKZ. Twitter is full of Grammar Nazis, myself a very renown one for that matter. You can bet your ass that like Liam Neeson of Taken, we’ll find you and we’ll make your life a living hell.

Next, your avis, or avatars if you prefer. Get a decent picture of yourself, your dog, your cat, your crush, your feet, we don’t care. Anything that makes you happy really, provided you do not have an egg for an avi. Only one person is allowed to have that, and that is @babakayai, because thanks to him we now know which came first- the hen. Thanks to him we also know why the chicken crossed the road- to run away from him, you should notice we don’t have a @mamakayai. The point is, I will not and nor will most other people, follow you back if you have an egg for an avi. Ladies, use what you have, use the assets your momma gave you.. it works. Just ask @lencer_B… but avoid at all costs any photos that reveal your gigantic forehead, overgrown teeth, backgrounds that are better looking than you, et cetera et cetera. Basic common sense really.

Finally, we expect you to use numerous hash tags in all your tweets so we see you from afar and know you’re newbies. You are fully expected to stick to your lanes or you’ll end up like one @leondecow, who was once significant. We of the #TeamMafisi fraternity miss his unmatched eyesight when it comes to spotting fresh meat. Also, if over-speeding subarus come your way, because they will, relax. You’re not @sickolia_ or @crazynairobian yet. Your time to engage yourself in pointless tweefs and get labelled a drama- seeking attention whore is still yet to come. Failure to calm the fuck down will prolly result in a twicide.

Avoid the stupid mistakes I made while a newbie myself. Weka akili mpangoni.

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