ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE

Posted: September 24, 2013 by ketihapa in Death, Terrorism, Zombies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Can we all just agree that the Zombies in The Walking Dead are scarier than the zombies in World War Z, please?

No doubt you’ve watched the much anticipated World War Z, or you’re an ardent fan of AMC’s The Walking Dead, Warm Bodies, or all three. All of them typically are about a world overrun by zombies. For those that haven’t, zombies are creatures that have somehow defied death and come back to ‘life’; ok life here is relative. They have control of their exoskeletons hence can walk, albeit at the pace of a slug, maybe slower. In addition, they have no heartbeat and zero brain activity, which means they are only driven by their desire for a taste of human blood. As if that’s not gross enough, their favorite dessert are human brains. Warm Bodies did go further to explain that zombies love eating brains because it allows them to relieve thoughts and memories of other people, but hey, it doesn’t change the fact that it is a gross affair.

Regardless, neither explains how to survive such a zombie apocalypse. I doubt any production will in future either, hence the reason for this post; of course based on what I have learnt from watching them.

  1. First and foremost, the easiest way to survive a zombie attack is to shoot them in the head. Yes, I mean accurate headshots that will blow their rotting brains out. You could do better and cut off their heads, although you do risk the zombie pinning you down and biting you, or worse, making a feast of your brain. I repeat, I encourage you not to give them your thoughts, literally. If you’re bitten, you’re prolly turn into one yourself and someone else will blow off your head. Either way, you’re dead.
  2. There is this story I love of three women that were to be executed by firing squad, I suppose for treason; I am not sure. So, as the story goes, the army commander was generous enough to allow the women to say whatever last words they had, only unknown to him, the women had agreed to each mention a disaster, which would divert attention and give them a chance to escape. So the first woman, an African, on being asked for her last words, shouted “FLASH FLOOD!!!” which was enough to divert attention and she climbed over the wall and ran. The second woman, a brunette, shouted “VOLCANO!!” and she too escaped. The third woman on being asked for her last words shouted “FIREEEE!!!” Needless to say, she was a blonde.

    What’s the point of that story? Simple. Zombies are slower than a blonde’s brain activity. Therefore, when you meet one, or more, trust your legs. RUN the fuck away like you’re a Kalenjin woman that wants to give her boyfriend a lap dance.

  3. Zombies may have zero brain activity, but that doesn’t mean that their senses do not work (Don’t ask me how; I thought the brain is what causes reaction to stimuli). My point is, zombies have excellent sense of hearing. Avoid loud mouths. In fact, I’d urge you not to be anywhere near Jaguar, Mike Sonko, Shebesh, 2 Chainz, Souljah Boy, or whoever else you deem to be a source of loud noise. For instance, keep off Kidero in case he decides to slap anyone and the sound that follows attracts unwanted attention from zombies to you.

    You could also do yourself a good deal to learn using weapons such as swords, crossbows, knives, etc. That goes to you too terrorists. Kindly avoid guns and bombs for the obvious reason that they are loud. And if you have to use a bomb, please use it wisely to blow yourself up and take out as many zombies as you can in the process. I know it could be a new concept blowing yourself up to save other people, but you might just double the number of virgins waiting for you in the afterlife.

  4. In addition, as afore mentioned in number 3, zombies have excellent senses. This applies to their sense of smell and sight too. However, not to worry. There is a way to fool them. However, this might be somewhat gross, so light skins, you might have to hope it doesn’t come to this. This is because it will require you to blow a zombies brains out. Then, you will be required to smear their rotting remains on yourself, which automatically covers up your natural scent with that of a zombie, meaning other zombies cannot smell you out, even if they do see you. However, only use this method if you won’t vomit your intestines out, since vomiting does tend to be a loud, messy affair and we don’t want you attracting zombies to yourself now, do we?

    Alternatively, you could cut off a two zombie’s hands off as well as their teeth and nails, then tie the zombies close to you. This will have the same effect of masking your scent. You can walk with them wherever without rousing suspicion.

  5. World War Z also finds an even better solution. Find yourself a scientist first. Then, you will have to inject yourself with a serum of a weakened form of the virus that causes people to turn into zombies and pray to God your immunity is strong enough to resist the changing process. This virus will alter your DNA to match a zombie’s and they cannot attack one of their own. However, this method should be used with a lot of caution. You should be locked in a room just in case you turn into a zombie and start eating other people’s brains, which will translate into absolutely zero work done; like having sex with a Socialite with a basin pussy and you’re Asian… we all know that if an Asian with an erection is running and he collides into a wall it’s his nose that will get broken.
  6. Finally, ok, actually this should have been number one on this guide, you should learn how to be a thief. This particular skill set will enable you stock up food, medication and an adequate supply of water. Yes, steal, stock it up. You’re going to need a huge supply of those because you can’t really go fishing or farming. Not with zombies wandering all over the place. Ladies, you can stock up cucumbers too just in case all men in the world turn into zombies and there’s no one anymore to help you deal with when you’re horny. Do whatever you have to; just don’t get bit in the process.

    If you do get bit, take heart. You will turn into a zombie soon and the only thing you have to be scared of is a man with a gun trying to blow your brains off. If you’re the sensible type, or you don’t want to die as a zombie, kill yourself; but by shooting yourself in the head. DO NOT try to hang yourself, or you’ll spend eternity dangling from a tree growling senseless things and you can’t even go to sleep because zombies can’t fall asleep. DO NOT try to drown yourself either, or you’ll be stuck in water forever because zombies can’t swim either. Also, dont believe for a second what Warm Bodies purports, that zombies can be healed with love. BLOW THEIR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Ivy says:

    I hate to admit this but your zombie survival guide would probably save more lives than my Preparedness 101: http://ifehenia.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-way-to-go-zombie-apocalypse.html Fortunately I have you… but you forgot an important tip: Grab a box of matches and a torch.

Leave a Reply: Your opinion matters

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s