My dearest Kym,
It has come to my attention in recent days that I might be on the brink of forever losing you to one @_Kaana_ as a result of his so called ‘new found Christian faith.’ It greatly saddens me and the sorrow in my heart is beyond words. I can hardly concentrate on anything else nowadays and I almost lost my job as a result. In truth, nowadays, every morning is the dawn of a new error. My taste buds have deteriorated to the extent food has become tasteless. Water is bitter. I find myself shivering even in the hottest of days. The doctor suggested I might have a combination of flu and malaria, but I am convinced it is the prospect of falling further down your friendzone that is responsible for these adverse reactions.
My system is crashing and very soon I fear it will refuse to boot up. My hardware is turning into software. My hard disk has somehow turned into a floppy disk. As a result, all my CDs don’t fit my disk drive, which now seems too floppy and small for them. I cannot connect to anyone. Both my Wi-fi and Ethernet cards are not working properly. My Bluetooth has a cavity and now even my Adobe Reader doesn’t want to update either. My monitor tells me life has become a smoke screen for me and my Windows don’t even open anymore. Sweetheart I am suffocating. I feel you have thrown away all my feelings for you in the Recycle Bin.
If I knew where to sue for careless driving, I would sue you; because you are driving me crazy. If you were a mathematical symbol you’d be pi, because you are sweet. Your curves define perfect polygons and the two nodes on your chest make it complex for me to focus. You are a matrix that I want to solve. I want to part your legs like asymptotes, and if you let me, to perform a deviation of Runge Kutta and integrate you till you oscillate. I believe you are the one to turn the fraction that I am into a whole number.
Kaana may have promised to take you to the Promised Land but we both know the devil is a liar. He asked you to be his chic. But baby you are forgetting that it is never wise to trust a Lunje with chicks; hell, even their county government wants to introduce a tax on chicken. He said he has found Christ. Ask him a simple question, is he AVA find? As far as I am concerned, we are still waiting for his second coming. I might as well make you come in the meantime as we wait. In his letter he said he is a caring, sweet, handsome man. Honey I assure you that is a lie because all those men are already taken. By their boyfriends. I believe I have previously stated that.
In short, Kym, i want you to be mine. I want you to be the only element in my periodic table and the only ion in my electron configuration. Because baby you are the solvent in my solution; You dissolved my heart and nothing can distill what I feel for you out of this solution. Not even Kaana. You reacted with the base of my heart and now, no pH scale can measure how acidic my love for you is. You are the syllabus of my Chemistry and honestly Kym, I love you.
Ps. LOL jokes, I don’t really mean forever. One day you’ll get old and grumpy and the only difference between the you then and the you now will be the tits sagging between your knees.
Pss. If this letter doesn’t successfully win you over, could you at least demote Kaana back into the Friendzone so that he doesn’t roast me as we’ll both be at the same level?