Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Lessons From A Senior Mafisi Sacco Member

Posted: February 2, 2016 by ketihapa in Dating, Humour
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We are Many!

The JKUAT Students’ Union – led by Jomo Erick and Victor Marende Nzoka – today organised the first ever A.G.M in Juja. They bought us free lunch and gave us sodas to wash it down with. Our job was simple, to sit down, listen to the union talk about what they promised to do and why they didn’t do it and, if need arises, ask questions; questions they would dodge, like politicians do. Same old shit.

One lady impressed me though. Goes by Josephine, the JKUAT-Westlands Students’ Union Vice-Chair. Pretty mami, medium height, yellow yellow, smooth skin, authoritative voice, blue skirt, nice ass (Hehe, C’mon, like you didn’t know I was going to do that).
Gets up, jokes “I come from Eritrea by the way…” to screams, cheers and whistles from the crowd. Then switches to a serious tune, goes “We as Westlands Campus are highly disappointed in this leadership. You people came to us, promised us heaven and earth, only to deliver zilch. Come back this time round, and you will be shown the door. We are tired of this nonsense.”

Meeting ends in Chaos – Juja goons feel their President has been insulted, leave barking, with Jomo Erick lifted shoulder high. I approach the lady next to the Dean’s office, feed her some bullshit story about working for a certain media house and wanting her official statement, just to look her in the eye as she explains her point.

After 20 minutes of pretending like I’m really listening – during which time I’m mostly just shaking my head, and staring at her boobs – I tell her, “Look, so, take my number, call me by the end of the week and decide if you want to buy me lunch or Whiskey, you will have been famous by then.”

She smiles, does that “Aaawww” thing ladies do (for no reason at all), takes out her phone and punches in my number. [Gents, First Lesson of Picking Up Women, Don’t ask for her number, it makes you seem desperate. Give her yours, makes her want you more.]

Here’s the thing, I don’t work for any media house. I won’t make her famous, if I had that power, my Grandma would be on the Papers by now (She makes some mean Uji). The hell she think I was, Mzazi Willy Tuva? I’m full of shit, you just have to take one look at me to know that. I fed her that bull ’cause she blew me off my socks.

I like my women strong, made of substance, outspoken, well-dressed, and emitting fragrances that smell like freshly-cooked Chapos. Now I’m at the den with the boys, taking one for the road, thinking, Will she really call me? If she does, what will I tell her happened to her story?

Maybe I should just tell her I got fired, ama? Si it will make her sympathize with me at least?

Signed.

Chuny Min Oaye.

Original story from Ian Duncan’s Facebook:

https://mobile.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=762922313842873&id=100003753347495&refid=7&_ft_=qid.6244791662956399593%3Amf_story_key.-8447596908158658421&__tn__=%2As

Dear Cousin

Dear Cousin,

Omusahkulu! Cousin. How much I have missed you. How is everybody? I hope everyone is okay. How are the quadruplets? Have they started their vaccinations? Did you find another job? Ama are you still idling at the market hoping somebody sees some value in you and presents something of value? How is Mama Omollo? That lady never ceases to amaze me.

Where are my manners! I am sorry. I should have started by saying I am sorry. I am writing to inform you that Brother Yahke passed away. Again, I am sorry. I know, you made me promise that I would inform you in steps about how he died; I was supposed to tell you that he went up the roof… then one week later tell you that he jumped…. Then tell you that he broke his back one week later… then tell you that he did not make it on his way to the hospital. I couldn’t. You see, we are all traumatized. Cousin Bahati (you remember him, don’t you? He was supposed to give his heart to Pande last year, remember?) tells me it is easier to tell you straight away what happened, for both our sakes.

Yahke, as I said before, is Kaput. Gone. Finished- literally. Damn that Isaka. You see, it was two days before Christmas. Isaka had already chosen one of our enemies (Bata), as his chosen. Then I don’t know what happened alafu this Eric Omondi fella appeared on TV saying that he (Isaka) could make dozens of money just by selling Bata. I remember because Oyuko had just been proclaimed the winner of gameweek 18 of our Fantasy Premier League. The bugger caught 18 worms that weekend. I think it was called OLX, or something of the sort. Now, as is custom, Oyuko took us out for drinks- on his tab of course- at Club Koo Koo. I will not lie to you that we had a few.

If you recall correctly, Yahke, the drunk that he always was, decided to pick a fight with one of the locals, who eventually turned out to be stronger than he was. The idiot decided to run. You should have seen him. But then, he decided to answer one of our biggest questions; why did great-great-great-grand-i-lost-count-20-years-ago-father decide to cross the road. A blue Subaru came out of nowhere. Aki si he was floored. Oyuko almost died. And his wife fainted on the spot. I was too drunk to react. Then as if to rub salt to injury (again, not ours) the driver of the blue Subaru stepped out of the vehicle and imagine instead of rushing to see if Yahke had suffered any serious injuries, he inspected the tyres of his vehicle! Asshole. Omondi picked him up about 30 minutes later. I hear his wife made stew out of him before we were sober enough to say RIP. I am very sorry cousin; there was nothing we could do.

Anyway, I hear that Yahke’s death is the least of our worries; Roomers -We at Kakamega are not sure whether it’s Rumours or Roomers. Cousin Bony from Nairobi hasn’t told us which Nairobi Aviation College decided is acceptable. And by the way he’s been training at Wilson Airport. Their motto there is “All birds can fly”; if you need internship tell him to hook you up- are that February 14th is in the next two weeks and that more than half of our families have been promised to females out there. Aki I don’t know where we will hide. I am not willing or ready to end up in somebody’s stomach like brother Yakhe.

As to that effect, we are holding a brain storming event on the 11th of this month to find ways of how we can avoid being eaten by these females. Bahati proposes we pay off their men. We can also get them drunk. Recent studies suggest that if we get them sufficiently drunk, they will forget 14th and will instead feed on kina guka Ng’ombe. More of them will feed on kina Mbuzi and The Nguruwes (good riddance). Personally, I suggest we join Nairobi Aviation College and learn to fly so we can escape. Singh will try to grab some land that we can use to practice our flying skills.

Anyway, I have to go now. Mama Odhiambo has just come back with fresh worms that she intends to use for fishing. Hehe, how we will feast on them during the night. Goodbye dear cousin.

 

Your favourite cousin,

Nguku.

 

P.S. If anybody else from Murang’a tries to rape you guys tell us so we can lynch him. We as chicken cannot continue living like this. And if we survive 14th, we will hold formal talks with the government to disband Kenchic, Chicken House et al. We will also write a formal petition to ban games that portray our relatives as idiots who have nothing else to do except catapult themselves to their deaths as they try to kill pigs. SMH.

P.S.S. Njoki Chege must go also. She has made blue Subaru drivers more of assholes than they already were. Aki nashuku kuendesha ashawai endesha ni kwa choo tu.

A parallel universe is basically an alternate reality, where stuff is assumed to exist in opposites to reality

Setting: Moi Avenue Time: 2.03 pm

The scene begins @Ramzzy_, @JoeWMuchiri and @Sickolia_ walking along Moi Avenue. The weather is clear, the atmosphere, well it’s Moi Avenue.

Rama: Meeeen.

Joe: Nini mbaya mboss? Finally umekubali Man U ni noma kuliko Arsenal, hehe?

Sickolia chuckles

Rama: Nugu, apana, Arsenal is the best team in the world. Tunashinda ligi this season kwanza vile Wenger amesign Messi. Manze ni @Abdulcollo amekataa kufollow back. Manze ebu ona hii tweet.

Rama hands Joe his phone and shows him the tweet, as Sickolia leans in to take a look too.

Sickolia: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ati amekwambia ati his team is taking your application into consideration? Iza boss.

Joe: Haha, man enyewe sisi tumicrowig tuna shida.

Sickolia nods, Rama is clearly hurting. He shrugs.

Rama: Aaah, who cares. At least si mimi nilinyimwa na Joyce Hood.

Sickolia: LMAO. Manze ata @Denno_Ace alipewa bana. Joe enyewe hiyo kipara yako haikusaidii. Si uambie @Dopestchiqa akinyoa fudhi next akusaidie na nywele? That is assuming ananyoanga.

Joe and Rama unable to contain themselves burst out laughing, but their laughter is cut short when they spot @Stan_Subru crossing the street talking to himself. The trio stops walking. They are now a couple of metres away from Jevanjee gardens.

Rama: (shouting) Oya, Stan kuja ugotee mafans.

Stan turns and starts walking towards them.

Joe: (Fist bumping Stan) Hehe, kijana iz how unakaa umeboeka hivi? Kwani ulinyimwa helb?

Rama and Sickolia: LOOOOOOL

Stan: Jinga. Wacheni kucheka bana. Manze Helb wamekataa kuniwai doo ati Safcom waliwaambia sijalipa okoa jahazi ya last year.

Rama: Hehe, lakini at least hukumugiwa at dick point kama @iWateba.

Sickolia: HAHA. Kuna jamaa alitweet ati kama ni wasee wawili wangetoklezea ingekuwa vitisho za penis mbili.

Joe: LMAO.

Stan: HAHAHA. Lakini boyz ako eazy. Nimemwacha akicapia dame fulani wa Mpesa kamonologue vile alikuwa Skyluxx jana beste yake juzi.

Joe: Eeeh, wasee, ebu cheki ule dame. (Joe waves, the girl ignores and Joe starts pretending he was flexing his biceps)

Sickolia: Hahahaha. Bahati hukujaribu kumwinkia.

Joe: LOL mbona?

Sickolia: Juu inegbaki umejifanya tu wewe ni chongo.

Joe: Haha, nugu. Naenda kumwongelesha. Wish me luck.

Rama: Kwani dryspell yako haiishangi wewe? Your sex life is a laughing matter. Juu wewe ni fisi. Haha mmeget?

*Sickolia: (Shaking his head) SMH hiyo joke yako imenuka kuliko mdomo ya Dj Presly.

Rama: Ah, huyo ni bure. Ata ule Dj wa Royco Mchuzi mix ni mnoma kumliko.

Stan: Na wewe sickolia lazima useme SMH na tunaona unashake kichwa? Na wewe Rama, stop trying too hard. @Mikeztyme hayuko hapa umlambe mkundu kama kawaida yako. Nkt!

Joe: Hahaha, Sickolia tulia jo. Ata wewe Stan. Rama ako na sense zote except sense of humour.

Just then, @CarolineSpencer bumps into them, chewing something that appears to be green.

Carol: Niaje watu nguyaz!

Rama: Wewe hujawai acha kuchana veve?

Carol: Eeeh. Dopest ndiye alinifunza kuchana akichana bush yenye kwa armpit zake.

Sickolia and Stan start laughing.

Rama: Hehe Dopest atakuua akiskia. Lakini seriously Carol, wewe ata Kat Deluna hawezi tembea na wewe.

Carol: Mbona?

Sickolia: Hahaha, juu atabaki tu Deluna.

Stan, who is only now getting the joke bursts out laughing, joining Carol and Rama.

Rama: Na btw Joe ameenda wapi?

Stan: Ameenda kukatia ule dame.

Sickolia: Eh, wasee, wacha nikanyore kwa ile choo ya kanjo. Nani ako na kinde aniokolee bana?

Carol: Shika buda boss. Ata wacha tuingie Jevanjee gardens tukuchill.

Stan: Si ungekuwa unagawa kila kitu vile unagawa pesa Carol.

Carol: Tsk! Nakaa @Charitiey?

Rama chuckles, Sickolia is too distracted by his full bladder to laugh.

They enter the gardens. Carol hands Sickolia the ten shilling coin. Sickolia heads to the toilet as the rest approach one of the benches. A goat bleats from the distance and they turn.

Rama: Oya, @mbusih, wachana na nyasi ya kanjo. Carol anaweza kukugawia veve.

Carol Swears in Kimeru as mbusih bleats again, clearly outraged.

Stan: Meen sah mbusih amekukosea aje?

Rama: Hehe, hakuna. Uchokozi tu. Btw jana nilipatana na @LeonDeCow hapa hapa tu akiwa date. Alikuwa na ile ng’ombe ya Kiambu. Si unaikumbuka? Yenye ilikuwa inaitwa Kairu.

Carol: Hehehe, lakini kama Leon angekuwa clown ingekuwa funny. Animals do the funniest things sometimes.

Rama: HAHAHAHAHA.

Stan: Mi sijashika bana.

Carol: (Spits the khat) Stan kitu pekee unashikanga ni D yako ukinyora.

Rama bursts out laughing again. Carol joins in. Stan just stares at them, his ego broken.

Sickolia joins them and sits on the bench.

Sickolia: Ok, mbona mnacheka?

Stan: Carol amedai ati anafeel funny kwa tumbo. Ndio sababu anacheka. Sijui mbona Rama anacheka.

Sickolia: Jinga.

Carol: For real btw sa nimeanza kuskia vibaya kwa tumbo.

Rama: Si ufunge maskio basi.

Carol: Nkt. Manze ni serious. @Terrykibiriti aliniconvince tukule mutura Ngara. Bana nafeel terryble tumbo.

Carol groans and clutches at her stomach. She farts loudly for a full 30 seconds. Mbusih stops chewing his grass and stares at Carol, as do the rest.

Stan: (As Mbusih starts bleating in bewilderment) Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sickolia: Shit!

Carol: I wish I could. Nimekuwa na constipation tangu juzi mtu nguyaz.

Rama: Haha. Weh, Carol, uko sure huhitaji tukupeleke hospitali?

Carol: Maaan nipelekeni hospitali. Lakini sa pesa zinatoka wapi?

Stan: Si tumpeleke Kenyatta, ni sare.

Sickolia and Rama nod in agreement.

Sickolia: Poa. I think niko na doo ya kutosha ya fare. Rama ebu okoa jahazi ushow joe akimaliza kunyimwa atupate Kenyatta.

Stan grabs Carol’s arm and helps her up. They start walking towards the exit of the gardens, Sickolia and Rama a few steps behind them.

************** Scene ends ****************

The Doctor told me to take only one glass per day... fair enough....

The Doctor told me to take only one glass per day… fair enough….

Dear Consumer,

My name is Vodka. Yeah, the one and only. This is a one-time thing. It will never be repeated and you will not argue about it. You’ll just have to listen, nod and I’ll be done in few. If at any point in time you do try to argue to argue with me I’ll straightaway assume you’re on your periods and I’ll give you a tampon- for free of course. And you will also, at any one time, not assume that I have feelings for you. Do not catch that shit.

Anyway, I am here to give you advice on me and most of my friends. First of all, I am, contrary to popular belief, your friend. Doctors will tell you all sorts of misinformed nonsense about me. For instance that you should drink water instead of me; well, tell me this, who kills germs and who causes pip0es to rust…

For purposes of this monologue, you are from now hence forth to disregard their stupidity, unless you’re dying and do not have a liver donor. They tell you that I am not the answer; hell, i make you forget the question. They also tell you that I give you cirrhosis, that I make you stupid and that you will engage in irresponsible sexual behavior and that you will be carefree and very happy. Other than the cirrhosis, tell me what else among those things that you do not enjoy doing. Name one. And I’ll quit. I’ll even refund you.

Thought so. Since we’ve established that I add value to your life, now please listen..

I’ll not exactly brag that I am responsible for 90% of the fun you have, I am a humble being. However, I will profusely apologize for lying to you that I can make you dance like Keko; or that I can make you lean. You will dance like you suddenly have two left feet and the only lean I will make you do will be on ugly people, tables and chairs. Which reminds me, sorry about the ugly thing. I just think it’s funny watching you make out with a hideous creature that you’ll be totally embarrassed of the next day. Kwanza that time you jumped off a balcony to avoid being seen coming from Ugly Susan’s apartment, hilarious! I instagrammed that. You should thank me for making you a celebrity on social media.

Another thing, whenever I ask whom you think is the best person to call when you’re with me, keep off your ex’s number. Hell, I have no idea what you’re doing with it in the first place. It is however allowed to call your crush, stalkee and or the girl you think is not giving you enough attention. Also, I may have misled you that girls love illegible text messages at 3 am; I swear I didn’t know. I only learnt recently it was the reason our friend Mutinda found himself a bachelor last week. We ought to help him get back with his ex…. loooool. Just kidding. It’s awesome he’s single now. We can drink till morning now.

Oh, and by the way, I forgot to tell you I discovered what your fist is finally perfect to hit with; the guy who just bumped into you. But you could spice it up by trying to call him an asshole first… the slurred speech will make it hilarious. However, don’t you dare tell the first man you see that has a bike and lots of hair ati “Hagrid! OMG you’re real!” You’ll gerrit. A swollen face that is. After you’re done, celebrate your victory. You see the swimming pool down there, jump into it- of course after you have taken off your pants first. Trust me you don’t want these to get wet. Women hate competition. **pun intended** Hold on a minute, i think my cousin Beer is on the line.

*muffled conversation*

Yeah, it was him alright. Haha. Beer is a funny one; he never fails to make me laugh. Anyway, Beer says to tell you that he’s sorry he lied to you that some girl needed new makeup. He’s sorry about the whole vomiting incident. He says he’s offer to buy you lunch but he’s kinda broke right now. Actually he was borrowing me money. That idiot thinks just because I’m from Russia I am loaded. He should meet my brother BlueMoon from Ruiru. Personally I think he should accept that he’s broke and settle for what he has like Keg did. See how happy he is now? He even rolls in a metal drum that weighs at least a ton. He also told me to tell you not to dare mixing him up with me. Ever. You’ll black out, but not before you decide your neighbor’s door is the best place to take a piss.

Alafu, I am told to warn you by the Society of Alcohol and other Drugs (SAD) that they accept responsibility for their actions. Alcohol did make you a tad too truthful and it sucks because you ended up admitting to your boss that you hate him and the bloody job. You’ll probably never get a promotion… but don’t you worry friend, I will always be there for you.

Before I go, I need to tell you something. I think Maggie likes you. For some reason she couldn’t stop laughing last night when you walked up to a lorry and whispered “Optimus Prime, I know your secret. Show your face just this once…” Also when you told her, which was very responsible of you, to drive you home… Only problem is, the party was at your place. Wife her man… OK, sorry. Have sex with her. All you have to do is to let me help you. In fact, my younger brothers Tequila and Black Ice can do the job for you. I will instruct them promptly to get on it. Somebody say Bow-chicka-wow-wow!!! 😀

I hope we’ll be meeting later on today… you know where. I can’t wait to get you fucked up.


Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, the Queen of England

Well, my dear friend ***Joshua was earlier this week prepared for Obama’s loss to Romney and he decided to take the liberty of drafting a letter for the Queen of England, her majesty Queen Elizabeth. It was a good plan, except Romney lost and spent the day trending on social media networks with a bunch of MEMEs finding their way to his doorstep in form of subarus, shortly before returning to his home state- who did not even want him in the first place, mind you.

Anyway, here is the letter Joshua wrote:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately – you should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’ too).
  2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
  3. 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse. T
  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol- which you have been ridiculously calling gasoline- of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
  8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
  9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
  11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
  12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
  13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due. Backdated to 1776.
  15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries- with cream- when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 

*** Reblogged***