Posts Tagged ‘Beer’

The Sugar Mummy

Posted: September 20, 2015 by ketihapa in Drama, Life, Musings
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Usually, I am a pretty normal guy, at least I hope I am. I have more or less the same problems most guys have; girl problems, money problems, beer problems, Arsenal problems (this was compounded yesterday, sigh), appearance problems- like most guys, when i step out of the shower i tend to think about where i will find money that day, not lotion. I know I have a brilliant mind,but sometimes I wonder how my brilliant mind is going to feed me. But at the end of the day, I try my best to make it work; I have to. We all have to try.

But is there a line as to how far you should try to make it? What are you allowed to do and what aren’t you allowed to do for money regardless how difficult it is proving for you to make money? Murder? Prostitution (stop looking at me weirdly, male prostitutes exist and they are called gigolos)? Theft and Scams?

I have been struggling with that question all morning today. Ever since some weirdo psycho sent me an SMS introducing himself as a brother from abroad (read Rongai), and that he was in search of a sugar mummy who could.. pause… satisfy his needs.. pause… Isn’t it supposed to be the other way round? The sugar mummy finds a guy that can satisfy her needs? Whatever happened to this world. Anyway, my first instinct was to ignore the idiot and move on with my life, but not before taking a screenshot of the message. (Stop judging me, it was funny!)

I proceeded to post it on Whatsapp on a special group of guys, all amazing writers like me, that we call the Lounge -you should be a writer and join by the way.. you will never get bored, only your phone will run out of charge rapidly. Even Biko Zulu- yes, that Biko Zulu- and Magunga are part of the community. Then Essie (she is the proud owner of five husbands in the lounge, including me) suggested I should send a reply; pretend to be a woman and play along. Troy (he did the guest post The Surrogate) did warn me but his warning came a little too late. I had already sent the reply.

Dont worry,I will not make you beg for the screenshots, hehe. This is how I instilled some discipline in a man who was clearly going beyond the line. You simply cannot try to make money this way,not in this age of HIV/AIDS anyway. And that is the least of the problems. You haven’t considered her husband sniffing you out and choking you to death. And if you, I should tell you that I despise you for not being man enough to tackle your problems like a man.

Here goes:

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Yup, I told Moses to find a fucking job. Was I too harsh? Haha. I dont think so. And Rongai people, seriously? You see why we don’t take you guys seriously?

 

Besides ‘The Dog ate my homework, blame it on the alcohol is the next best.

NACADA has today identified the main cause of Kenya’s population explosion, which has seen an unexplainable increase in Kenya’s population from 40 million as of the last census, to 48 million as of December 2013. This is expected to increase exponentially at the same rate to about 60 million by the year 2030.

In a press briefing held at NACADA offices, Mrs. Meakins today said that alcohol has been identified after many months of research to be the main cause of the ever increasing rate of growth in Kenya’s population.

She went on to add that men are not particularly hungry for sex, but like Mary the mother of Jesus who blamed it on the Spirit, we too should blame it on the Alcohol. She further went on to regret a heartfelt apology why NACADA did not take it seriously when Jammie Foxx declared that we should blame it on the alcohol.

As such, Mrs. Meakins has today warned all men that are regulars at parties, clubs, pubs and anywhere alcohol is sold to be wary of any alcohol that is offered by any female. She further went on to add that NACADA will partner with Mr. Mututho to battle Alcohol. Mr. Mututho further explained that 80% of the women in Kenya use this date drug called Alcohol and are in cahoots with EABL. According to Mr. Mututho, the drink is available in liquid form and is relatively cheaply available in all parts of the country.

The drug apparently comes in all forms of containers, ranging from glass bottles, which is the most common, to plastic bottles, cans, or from taps specially crafted by EABL for use in heavy metallic barrels otherwise referred to as kegs. The drug can also be brewed at home by people that are sufficiently knowledgeable from concoctions containing sugar, water and any carbohydrate among other ingredients such as preservatives like ARVs that can be broken down by an array of biological agents, usually bacteria. These local brews are commonly known as Chang’aa, Busaa, Muratina, among various other names depending on what part of the country you come from.

Alcohol is apparently used by most female predators at the above mentioned locations to persuade their male counterparts to go home with them and in many cases, to sleep with them. Usually, as few as five bottles are required and the female only has to ask the male to take her home. She doesn’t need to specify that she wants him to go home with her for a clever invention dubbed as ‘No strings attached’ sex. It is in fact rumoured that one Jonny Walker has been walking around the earth non-stop for nearly five decades now trying to find the woman that first offered him No strings attached sex. Jack Daniels and Jameson are a few other famous men that have in the past fallen prey to this vile act.

It is reported that men are often rendered helpless against this demonic approach, especially because after a few beers lose the ability to determine whether a female was born in the zoo or not. As a result, men have little option but to accept to sleep with women whose faces look like Satan peed on them, whom they would normally not have sex with. These women are said to target these men since it would require a mallet to hit that. It has been suggested that Alcohol was discovered by the descendants of one @JoyceSabali, who is remembered as being remarkably ugly.

After drinking this Alcohol, men will usually not wake up with any memories of the previous night, with one of our informants saying he woke up with the so called ‘dents.’ These females are reported to escape the homes of their victims very early in the morning, avoiding sight by any other male in the region, which is often referred to as the Walk of Shame. At KetiHapa, we suspect he was a poor victim of a fight among Alcohol influenced men to fight for a descendant of @JoyceSabali. Our interviewee, like most other interviewees we talked to, said he woke up with the feeling that he had did something really ugly. We weren’t sure whether he said it with or without pun intended.

Occasionally, a few of these men are coerced into spending all of their savings for Alcohol in a scam that has apparently been going on since time immemorial known as ‘Relationships.’ In extreme cases, a few of these females capture unsuspecting males for the above mentioned No strings attached sex and entrap them into lives of pain, misery and self-pity that they refer to as ‘Marriage.’ It has been discovered that men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by these predatory females.

NACADA, in conjunction with Mututho, have enlisted the help of the Kenya Police to try and curb this heinous act and ensure that all men will be free of Alcohol. A nationwide campaign has also been launched to encourage men to avoid Alcohol offered by women in a desperate attempt to manage Kenya’s rapidly rising population. Three hours after the launch of the program, they are seemingly miserably losing, and as one of our reporters reports, most pubs are full and packed to the brim.

The Doctor told me to take only one glass per day... fair enough....

The Doctor told me to take only one glass per day… fair enough….

Dear Consumer,

My name is Vodka. Yeah, the one and only. This is a one-time thing. It will never be repeated and you will not argue about it. You’ll just have to listen, nod and I’ll be done in few. If at any point in time you do try to argue to argue with me I’ll straightaway assume you’re on your periods and I’ll give you a tampon- for free of course. And you will also, at any one time, not assume that I have feelings for you. Do not catch that shit.

Anyway, I am here to give you advice on me and most of my friends. First of all, I am, contrary to popular belief, your friend. Doctors will tell you all sorts of misinformed nonsense about me. For instance that you should drink water instead of me; well, tell me this, who kills germs and who causes pip0es to rust…

For purposes of this monologue, you are from now hence forth to disregard their stupidity, unless you’re dying and do not have a liver donor. They tell you that I am not the answer; hell, i make you forget the question. They also tell you that I give you cirrhosis, that I make you stupid and that you will engage in irresponsible sexual behavior and that you will be carefree and very happy. Other than the cirrhosis, tell me what else among those things that you do not enjoy doing. Name one. And I’ll quit. I’ll even refund you.

Thought so. Since we’ve established that I add value to your life, now please listen..

I’ll not exactly brag that I am responsible for 90% of the fun you have, I am a humble being. However, I will profusely apologize for lying to you that I can make you dance like Keko; or that I can make you lean. You will dance like you suddenly have two left feet and the only lean I will make you do will be on ugly people, tables and chairs. Which reminds me, sorry about the ugly thing. I just think it’s funny watching you make out with a hideous creature that you’ll be totally embarrassed of the next day. Kwanza that time you jumped off a balcony to avoid being seen coming from Ugly Susan’s apartment, hilarious! I instagrammed that. You should thank me for making you a celebrity on social media.

Another thing, whenever I ask whom you think is the best person to call when you’re with me, keep off your ex’s number. Hell, I have no idea what you’re doing with it in the first place. It is however allowed to call your crush, stalkee and or the girl you think is not giving you enough attention. Also, I may have misled you that girls love illegible text messages at 3 am; I swear I didn’t know. I only learnt recently it was the reason our friend Mutinda found himself a bachelor last week. We ought to help him get back with his ex…. loooool. Just kidding. It’s awesome he’s single now. We can drink till morning now.

Oh, and by the way, I forgot to tell you I discovered what your fist is finally perfect to hit with; the guy who just bumped into you. But you could spice it up by trying to call him an asshole first… the slurred speech will make it hilarious. However, don’t you dare tell the first man you see that has a bike and lots of hair ati “Hagrid! OMG you’re real!” You’ll gerrit. A swollen face that is. After you’re done, celebrate your victory. You see the swimming pool down there, jump into it- of course after you have taken off your pants first. Trust me you don’t want these to get wet. Women hate competition. **pun intended** Hold on a minute, i think my cousin Beer is on the line.

*muffled conversation*

Yeah, it was him alright. Haha. Beer is a funny one; he never fails to make me laugh. Anyway, Beer says to tell you that he’s sorry he lied to you that some girl needed new makeup. He’s sorry about the whole vomiting incident. He says he’s offer to buy you lunch but he’s kinda broke right now. Actually he was borrowing me money. That idiot thinks just because I’m from Russia I am loaded. He should meet my brother BlueMoon from Ruiru. Personally I think he should accept that he’s broke and settle for what he has like Keg did. See how happy he is now? He even rolls in a metal drum that weighs at least a ton. He also told me to tell you not to dare mixing him up with me. Ever. You’ll black out, but not before you decide your neighbor’s door is the best place to take a piss.

Alafu, I am told to warn you by the Society of Alcohol and other Drugs (SAD) that they accept responsibility for their actions. Alcohol did make you a tad too truthful and it sucks because you ended up admitting to your boss that you hate him and the bloody job. You’ll probably never get a promotion… but don’t you worry friend, I will always be there for you.

Before I go, I need to tell you something. I think Maggie likes you. For some reason she couldn’t stop laughing last night when you walked up to a lorry and whispered “Optimus Prime, I know your secret. Show your face just this once…” Also when you told her, which was very responsible of you, to drive you home… Only problem is, the party was at your place. Wife her man… OK, sorry. Have sex with her. All you have to do is to let me help you. In fact, my younger brothers Tequila and Black Ice can do the job for you. I will instruct them promptly to get on it. Somebody say Bow-chicka-wow-wow!!! 😀

I hope we’ll be meeting later on today… you know where. I can’t wait to get you fucked up.