Posts Tagged ‘Evil’

LOVE.HATE THING

Posted: September 6, 2013 by ketihapa in Twitter
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Love vs Hate: Take your pick what rules on Twitter

We signed Ozil bishes \o/. Anyway, first of all, I need somebody to explain to me in a manner I can understand why we don’t call corridors in mental institutions psychopaths. While you’re at it, will you also explain to Mckym that girls hate men with vaginas. A relationship can have only one vagina at a time. Also, Lencer needs to act an age that’s bigger than the size of her bra and quit telling everyone how men’s penises always drown in her Basin.

In addition I am still depressed that you assholes chased Dopest from my Twitter Streets. Just when we’d found someone to sweep the trail of pubic hair she leaves behind; I guess we’ll just have to find elsewhere for StanSubru to sweep coz that’s all he seems to be doing nowadays. Sweeping up where men have just finished coming.

However, that isn’t the reason for this blog post. I need someone to invent a time machine to take us into the future so we can see what the world will look like 20 years from now with all this hate on Twitter streets. Or just take us back to the time before Twitter. I’m sorry guys, I don’t want to give advice no one will follow like Canduh, but it had to be said. As someone pointed out, Hitler probably had less hate in his heart. You people will shoot down anyone- and with more accuracy than Van Persie’s shots.

Take for instance the “If United want depth they should sign Huddah” tweet during the recently closed Transfer window.

Where am I going with this you ask? Simple, can everyone please take a fucking chill pill and calm the fuck down!? At least for a day? You can remind Dorcas to calm her tits down too or we’ll get Mbunde to twerk and scare the shit out of her. Because at this rate I foresee Twitter being listed by the government as the leading cause of suicide.

I mean, I’d kill myself if I were a fat person and someone told me my stretch marks prolly have more exercise than me. Or that the only form of exercise you get is when you jog your memory? I’d go on and on about fat people but I don’t want to make them full of themselves. I’m sorry if you still haven’t seen what I just did there.

The next group that you guys love picking on are the ugly and the dark-skinned. If KOT were allowed to draft the constitution I’m 70% sure it’d be illegal to be ugly. You guys would just ship them off to Uganda in exchange for Milk- the shoes I mean. Wait, I think I just described Bata trade smh. My heart goes out to those wonderful creatures of God. Some of my best friends are actually dark-skinned.

At least dark-skinned women don’t reply to your 30 page text with ‘IKR’ or ‘Aaaaawww’ or ‘LOL’ or as someone noted last week, reply to Safaricom’s insufficient balance texts with ‘I have a man’. The only trick is, remember to get yourself drunk in advance so your brain lets you see their inner beauty. At that point they’ll look so hot your zipper will fall for them. There’s also the added benefit in that you’ll not remember when you ‘make sex’ and she calls you Tiger.

Finally, for Heaven’s sake, please don’t keep any grudges with a bigwig or tell everyone you shared a hole or you’ll be dancing to Hole of Fame when the hate boils over and your TL is full of ‘Shots fired’ tweets. Trust me. Ombajo, or Paapa or whatever knows. Or at least he found out the hard way. Now all women know he smokes. And that the stove is all to blame.

They say 666 is an evil number, which means that 25.806975801127880315188420605149 is the actual root of evil. Personally, I think Twitter is the root of evil. Anyhu, I am off to edit my Fantasy Football team. And y’all can bet whom I’m making my Captain for the next game week. Later fools!

Leornado Dicaprio in the world he created in the 2010 sci-fi film Inception

“It all over, Chelsea are the new European Champions!”

That statement was what got me to church on Sunday. Chelsea had the last laugh. And oh my, was it sweet. I am not a Chelsea fan, but I had a lot banking on that game. For a start, Ksh. 3850 on bets was on the line. Yes, it was that serious; to me, the unexpected is expected, because I have come to expect the unexpected in football. And I had promised God that should the wife grabbers win the match, the very first thing I’d do on Sunday was to go to church. Ok, not really, I first had to sleep as the match ended way after Sunday started, then I had to wake up, shower, take breakfast and walk to church. It was the very first time I kept a promise to God.

I know, it sounds immoral; the fact that I needed financial motivation to go the House of God. It isn’t. We all have our reasons why we go to church; many to find potential spouses that are ‘born again.’ Or as a Luhya would say, “Porn Again”; God loves porn again people after all. Others go to church because they bought expensive new heels that only they can afford and do not want to miss a golden opportunity to show them off to multitudes of people that have gathered gladly for the show. Very few, I repeat, very few people, go to church to pray. Finally, there are the few like me, who believe God is the benefactor of everything including life and money.

So I found myself tagging alongside my mum, who frankly, was astounded that I was even awake at 9.00 am, leave alone accompanying her to church. Needless to say, we parted ways the moment we entered that gate- somehow I have never understood why churches have doors and gates, you’d think the House of God would be the most secure place on earth. I headed over to the corner, as far away from the watchful, painfully reproachful eye of my mother, just in case the need to post a tweet on twitter should arise. And it did.

The pastor started off the sermon with “I am just from Nigeria in case you are wondering why I am dressed like I am.” In my head it sounded something like “I have been to Nigeria. See my heels and my elegant skirt, you’re damn right they are not from your pathetic country so shut the hell up and listen to me.” I was willing to overlook the fact that I had just been stepped on by a woman I had never seen before, except she proceeded, “and I am here to cast out demons.”

Much to my bewilderment, people were applauding. Some people, the show offs, took this opportunity to throw money on her feet. I am not saying I thought it was pointless, I found it amusing actually as it looked similar to the same fashion the Catholic Church lost its money fighting lawsuits they couldn’t win; lawsuits of child molestation. Pointless on the other hand is why they sterilize needles for lethal injections.

All religion-related activity in my brain ceased. For the first time, I noticed the people I seated next to; I was more confused than an infant in a topless bar. I found myself looking around just in case I spotted a demon, or worse, Lucifer seated like a boss at one corner, laughing quietly, scheming his next move. Nothing. I looked back at her in frustration, willing every nerve in body to stop the mutiny that was going on in my head and which was about to conquer my mouth next. I took out my phone to prevent myself from shouting back,

“Excuse me little miss sunshine from Nigeria, I have looked around and I can see no demons. Please be kind enough to point them out for me.”

Instead, I tweeted my thoughts.

Not that I don’t believe demons exist; like the suicidal blonde that killed her twin sister by mistake, it is stupid to believe that God exists when you don’t believe there is a Devil. But the thing is all the demons I have come across are people. People with troubled minds who look to the church as validation that they are not insane; that they are in fact possessed.

I have a hard time trying to convince myself that the man who bombed a church some time back in Ngara was possessed. Or that the guy that raped a 6 year old girl was in cahoots with the devil. Or worse, that that the man who first his wife to death, then set his house ablaze so he and his entire family would burn to death, including the two young girls that were fast asleep in their bedroom, was led to do it by the little red devil perched on his shoulder.

I believe that there is a God and there is a Devil and likewise, that there is good and there is evil; two things each man must decide which to be. Like two sides of a coin, you cannot be both at the same time, but you can have both. It all boils down to which face is up but unlike the coin that needs to be tossed and cannot choose for itself, everyman has it in him to pick one and fight the other. Then there is the third side of the coin that nobody ever considers significant.

If you’ve watched the movie The Adjustment Bureau then you know how much power mere chance has in reality; chance is responsible for lots of things. Hitler got into the army by chance; but it was the decisions he made there after that would later prove the platform for his misguided politics and the cause of a six year war that would leave in its wake 60 million people dead including him.

My point being, we are our own worst enemies; we create the world we live in and likewise the demons that haunt us as portrayed in the thriller, Inception. A few misguided words of advice here and there, a few moments of weakness, a few moments of rage, hate and jealous glances; those are the downfalls of man. And the question is what type of person are you and what side of the coin are you on? Are you the good guy, the bad guy or do you leave it all to chance before you can decide. As far as I am concerned, everybody seems normal until you get to know them

***FACT: If you take the first letters of the first names of the main characters of Inception, you get the word DREAMS; Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mallorie, and Saito.***