Posts Tagged ‘Jeevanjee Gradens’

A parallel universe is basically an alternate reality, where stuff is assumed to exist in opposites to reality

Setting: Moi Avenue Time: 2.03 pm

The scene begins @Ramzzy_, @JoeWMuchiri and @Sickolia_ walking along Moi Avenue. The weather is clear, the atmosphere, well it’s Moi Avenue.

Rama: Meeeen.

Joe: Nini mbaya mboss? Finally umekubali Man U ni noma kuliko Arsenal, hehe?

Sickolia chuckles

Rama: Nugu, apana, Arsenal is the best team in the world. Tunashinda ligi this season kwanza vile Wenger amesign Messi. Manze ni @Abdulcollo amekataa kufollow back. Manze ebu ona hii tweet.

Rama hands Joe his phone and shows him the tweet, as Sickolia leans in to take a look too.

Sickolia: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ati amekwambia ati his team is taking your application into consideration? Iza boss.

Joe: Haha, man enyewe sisi tumicrowig tuna shida.

Sickolia nods, Rama is clearly hurting. He shrugs.

Rama: Aaah, who cares. At least si mimi nilinyimwa na Joyce Hood.

Sickolia: LMAO. Manze ata @Denno_Ace alipewa bana. Joe enyewe hiyo kipara yako haikusaidii. Si uambie @Dopestchiqa akinyoa fudhi next akusaidie na nywele? That is assuming ananyoanga.

Joe and Rama unable to contain themselves burst out laughing, but their laughter is cut short when they spot @Stan_Subru crossing the street talking to himself. The trio stops walking. They are now a couple of metres away from Jevanjee gardens.

Rama: (shouting) Oya, Stan kuja ugotee mafans.

Stan turns and starts walking towards them.

Joe: (Fist bumping Stan) Hehe, kijana iz how unakaa umeboeka hivi? Kwani ulinyimwa helb?

Rama and Sickolia: LOOOOOOL

Stan: Jinga. Wacheni kucheka bana. Manze Helb wamekataa kuniwai doo ati Safcom waliwaambia sijalipa okoa jahazi ya last year.

Rama: Hehe, lakini at least hukumugiwa at dick point kama @iWateba.

Sickolia: HAHA. Kuna jamaa alitweet ati kama ni wasee wawili wangetoklezea ingekuwa vitisho za penis mbili.

Joe: LMAO.

Stan: HAHAHA. Lakini boyz ako eazy. Nimemwacha akicapia dame fulani wa Mpesa kamonologue vile alikuwa Skyluxx jana beste yake juzi.

Joe: Eeeh, wasee, ebu cheki ule dame. (Joe waves, the girl ignores and Joe starts pretending he was flexing his biceps)

Sickolia: Hahahaha. Bahati hukujaribu kumwinkia.

Joe: LOL mbona?

Sickolia: Juu inegbaki umejifanya tu wewe ni chongo.

Joe: Haha, nugu. Naenda kumwongelesha. Wish me luck.

Rama: Kwani dryspell yako haiishangi wewe? Your sex life is a laughing matter. Juu wewe ni fisi. Haha mmeget?

*Sickolia: (Shaking his head) SMH hiyo joke yako imenuka kuliko mdomo ya Dj Presly.

Rama: Ah, huyo ni bure. Ata ule Dj wa Royco Mchuzi mix ni mnoma kumliko.

Stan: Na wewe sickolia lazima useme SMH na tunaona unashake kichwa? Na wewe Rama, stop trying too hard. @Mikeztyme hayuko hapa umlambe mkundu kama kawaida yako. Nkt!

Joe: Hahaha, Sickolia tulia jo. Ata wewe Stan. Rama ako na sense zote except sense of humour.

Just then, @CarolineSpencer bumps into them, chewing something that appears to be green.

Carol: Niaje watu nguyaz!

Rama: Wewe hujawai acha kuchana veve?

Carol: Eeeh. Dopest ndiye alinifunza kuchana akichana bush yenye kwa armpit zake.

Sickolia and Stan start laughing.

Rama: Hehe Dopest atakuua akiskia. Lakini seriously Carol, wewe ata Kat Deluna hawezi tembea na wewe.

Carol: Mbona?

Sickolia: Hahaha, juu atabaki tu Deluna.

Stan, who is only now getting the joke bursts out laughing, joining Carol and Rama.

Rama: Na btw Joe ameenda wapi?

Stan: Ameenda kukatia ule dame.

Sickolia: Eh, wasee, wacha nikanyore kwa ile choo ya kanjo. Nani ako na kinde aniokolee bana?

Carol: Shika buda boss. Ata wacha tuingie Jevanjee gardens tukuchill.

Stan: Si ungekuwa unagawa kila kitu vile unagawa pesa Carol.

Carol: Tsk! Nakaa @Charitiey?

Rama chuckles, Sickolia is too distracted by his full bladder to laugh.

They enter the gardens. Carol hands Sickolia the ten shilling coin. Sickolia heads to the toilet as the rest approach one of the benches. A goat bleats from the distance and they turn.

Rama: Oya, @mbusih, wachana na nyasi ya kanjo. Carol anaweza kukugawia veve.

Carol Swears in Kimeru as mbusih bleats again, clearly outraged.

Stan: Meen sah mbusih amekukosea aje?

Rama: Hehe, hakuna. Uchokozi tu. Btw jana nilipatana na @LeonDeCow hapa hapa tu akiwa date. Alikuwa na ile ng’ombe ya Kiambu. Si unaikumbuka? Yenye ilikuwa inaitwa Kairu.

Carol: Hehehe, lakini kama Leon angekuwa clown ingekuwa funny. Animals do the funniest things sometimes.

Rama: HAHAHAHAHA.

Stan: Mi sijashika bana.

Carol: (Spits the khat) Stan kitu pekee unashikanga ni D yako ukinyora.

Rama bursts out laughing again. Carol joins in. Stan just stares at them, his ego broken.

Sickolia joins them and sits on the bench.

Sickolia: Ok, mbona mnacheka?

Stan: Carol amedai ati anafeel funny kwa tumbo. Ndio sababu anacheka. Sijui mbona Rama anacheka.

Sickolia: Jinga.

Carol: For real btw sa nimeanza kuskia vibaya kwa tumbo.

Rama: Si ufunge maskio basi.

Carol: Nkt. Manze ni serious. @Terrykibiriti aliniconvince tukule mutura Ngara. Bana nafeel terryble tumbo.

Carol groans and clutches at her stomach. She farts loudly for a full 30 seconds. Mbusih stops chewing his grass and stares at Carol, as do the rest.

Stan: (As Mbusih starts bleating in bewilderment) Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sickolia: Shit!

Carol: I wish I could. Nimekuwa na constipation tangu juzi mtu nguyaz.

Rama: Haha. Weh, Carol, uko sure huhitaji tukupeleke hospitali?

Carol: Maaan nipelekeni hospitali. Lakini sa pesa zinatoka wapi?

Stan: Si tumpeleke Kenyatta, ni sare.

Sickolia and Rama nod in agreement.

Sickolia: Poa. I think niko na doo ya kutosha ya fare. Rama ebu okoa jahazi ushow joe akimaliza kunyimwa atupate Kenyatta.

Stan grabs Carol’s arm and helps her up. They start walking towards the exit of the gardens, Sickolia and Rama a few steps behind them.

************** Scene ends ****************

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet who act as a gay couple in the popular T.v. comedy 'Modern Family' as Mitchell and Cameron respectively.

Haha, relax. I am not trying to kill myself. But this post is and I am sure so will you after you read it. You see, a few months back, in my usual alcoholic escapades, I met a guy who narrated to me his story. He told me how he had been looking for a job and how when he was about to give up all hope, he finally landed one as a Shamba Boy. It wasn’t a prestigious job per se, but the benefits that supposedly came with it were incredible. The job was simple; tend to the little garden at a guy’s house for Ksh 20,000 per month. If he showed his commitment by staying on the job for at least a year and a half, he would get a car and a house. Not bad for a Shamba Boy, right? Sadly, he quit before he even started the job. In my head, he was a dumb ass; in Kenya getting a job with a tax-free salary and guaranteed job security is a hustle. Then the story got nasty…

He promptly moved to his new employer’s house, which as he learnt, was shared by three men and a lady. It was all fun till it was night; he heard strange noises originating from the bedroom. This he didn’t exactly mind, so people have orgies here, big deal. He didn’t really care; he was there for the money. That was until he woke up in the middle of the night in nothing but his boxers and no recollection of how he wound up in the bedroom, next to his employer. I mentioned his employer was a man, right? And he may or may not have participated in gay sex; his memory was hazy. I nearly died with laughter as he recounted his Steven Spielberg type of escape.

Till I found myself in the Jeevanjee Gardens smoking zone on Wednesday, that story was a figment of my memory. My cigarette was nearly burnt halfway when some dude walked up to me. In my head, I knew he wanted to borrow one; smokers are generous people. I gladly offered him one so he’d leave me alone. He didn’t. Now he was staring at me funny. So I asked,

“Man, what the hell do you want?”

“YOU.”

I laughed. Then I realized he was serious when he started walking closer to me with a sheepish grin on his face. In truth, till then I had no idea I could run that fast- I thanked the fast food I had just had for lunch. I need not tell you that I quit smoking for the third time this year that day.

I have since called it a divine intervention to make me quit smoking for good; the only logical way I can really explain it is that God works in strange, mysterious ways. Like how he guided the Jews under Moses in the desert for 40 years only to bring them to the one part of Asia that has no oil. You see, I am homophobic and I bet God knows since He is Omniscient. I am not proud of it because I know it isn’t their fault. 75% of them don’t choose to be gay; only 25% of them are SUCKED into it. Most of them are born that way. And that is the reason I wrote this post. And since I know how controversial this post is going to be, I have decided to walk a mile in your shoes first before I criticize anyone. That way, if any one of you retaliates, I am a mile away and yes, I have your shoes.

I’m sure you remember Prison Break. In my opinion, it was one of the best jail breaks of all time after the one in the Shawshank Redemption. True, it had an unrealistic story, but it was brilliant. My love for it was so great that I loathed the directors of Prison Break for not making the main character, Michael Scofield, gay. I am sure he wouldn’t have been that enthusiastic to run away from Fox River State Penitentiary if the stories they tell of prison are anything to go by. The only way to punish a gay man is by sending him to a female prison. In short, it would have allowed the show to last a couple more seasons longer.

Wednesday’s events got me to reconsider. Prison Break with a gay Michael Scofield wouldn’t have worked. I wouldn’t even have watched it to start with. I am biased towards gay people, as are most of you I am sure. And for no particular reason mind you. According to the Bible, God once burnt down an entire city because most of its occupants were gay, which gave us the word sodomy. My question being, how many of you have been sodomized to start with or do you just make gay jokes for the fun of it? How many people have valid reasons to loathe gay people? As I mentioned before, most of the time, a genetic or a hormonal imbalance produces gay symptoms. You don’t just wake up and decide a man’s butt looks edible.

Gay people are human too. But I suppose it wouldn’t mean much to you if you haven’t seen how much suffering most of them go through; don’t start making jokes like “if sex is a pain in the ass then you’re doing it wrong”. This is a serious matter. A friend of a friend committed suicide after it was discovered he was gay. I don’t know how many more have to die before we accept the fact that like whatever the genre of music Souljah Boy invented, some things are here to stay. Call it what you want, it is the truth. Jimmie Gait, Justin Beiber and the age of Skinny Jeans tucked into Pink Supras are evidence enough. In fact, all sweet, nice and handsome men are already taken. By their boyfriends…

I am not saying that people should be gay; all I am saying is that it makes sense to be accommodative of them because they are here to stay. Hell, they even make good Army Generals; even in war, they just can’t leave their friends behind. My pastor always said, “Jesus loves you no matter who you are” and I agree with him. However, be cautious WHERE you are told that “Jesus loves you”. Apparently in Mexican and Spanish prisons, if a person tells you, “Jesus loves you!” my friend, please be afraid. Be very afraid. Anyway, now I am off to find a noose to hang myself with as I am pretty sure this post has definitely done the same thing to my budding career as a writer.