Posts Tagged ‘Keroche’

So let’s assume Jesus came back today. Or tomorrow. Or you know, whenever. Christians have been waiting for Him to come back for over 2,000 years now, while Atheists claim 2,000 years is too long to wait for someone to come again (yes, full pun intended). Personally I do not mind the wait.

As an Engineer I have learnt one thing, never rush things. All you can do is wait; hopefully the wait won’t be as long as waiting for Kanye West to apologize to Wiz Khalifa for insulting him using a 2 year old. In hindsight (LQTM) Amber Rose did do Wiz some justice… And as someone pointed out, that is why you have to pay for child support.

Anyway, back to the point; If Jesus were to come back today. A few friends and I, brilliant bloggers as well, had this argument yesterday. As expected, most were for the idea that Jesus should come back already, while the faint hearted chose not to participate at all, labelling us Atheists. But come on, we have all read the Bible. His coming has been anticipated more than His actual birth.

Regardless, the discussion continued, for those that stayed anyway. The initial view was that if Jesus were to come back today, He would be imprisoned. He would be labelled a political blogger out for blood with unsubstantiated claims of miracles out to oust the current regime (that we are tired of anyway) and He would be labelled an unpatriotic Son Of Kenya. Because God is Kenyan. Smh. In fact, He would be stoned, not like the  Stephen-Stoned-To-Death-From-Weed type, actual stoning. And pastors would be behind it because all the money they collect to ‘give to Jesus’ would be claimed by Jesus, legally. Well, that’s what the church is about nowadays anyway, right?

But then someone else argued that Jesus would be respected because He would perform miracles. The general consensus however, was that only one miracle would stand out. And your guess is as good as mine was. It wouldn’t be the ability to cure AIDS or to raise the dead back to life. It would be more along the lines of dethroning EABL, KWAL and Keroche Industries.

Yup, Jesus would be the perfect fit for Kenya if He could re-do the miracle at Cana. And I am sorry Meru people, I really do mean MIRACLE not MIRAA-CO. Afterall, Kenya is a drinking nation, second only to South Africa. Nigerians tell us they swim in pools full of liquor as Kendrick directed them to so they really aren’t in contention… Plus we don’t believe them. If they said they swam in oil, perhaps we would believe them.

I digress. If somehow Jesus would turn water into wine yet again… It was agreed everyone would follow Him. Not on Twitter, nor on Facebook and neither on Instagram… None. It would be a physical following. The kind that would have me be a water boy for Him, a job I would serve very diligently, as i pointed out. We keep saying hoes are thirsty, but we both know you would be thirsty as well. After all, it would be Holy Alcohol; which would be safe to drink because He would never allow your liver to get damaged. Talk of the Holy Spirit…. Wait, what?

Which brings me to the other point. As a Kenyan, we will always be business minded; someone somewhere would try to get Jesus to turn their local dam into a brewery. Well, personally I know I would. It would be a goldmine! Because the infrastructure already exists. He would deliver the beer through pipes right into people’s homes from their taps. Doesn’t matter what type of pipe you would have, PPR, GI… it wouldn’t matter.  Imagine it! Beer in taps.

So on that note, I am kindly asking all potential investors to consider my offer. I am registering my Beer In Taps Company Limited next week in anticipation for Jesus’ coming. You shouldn’t be scared of the legal constraints because we have no law against it, yet.

In short, what I am asking for is your money and your continued support. The government told us to be entrepreneurs and create jobs after all, right?

Ciku Muiruri, or as she’s recently been baptised online, Ciku Aliyeshikwo

So, we finally got a new president.. Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta, son to the first president of this country, Mzee Jomo Kenyatta and an ICC suspect. I must say, I was impressed with the way we handled the whole issue. Most of us were just happy there was no violence this time round while the rest of us are just happy we’re finally going to get free wi-fi. Personally, I am excited about the laptops, because now i finally have a chance to have a side hustle of my own convincing nursery school kids that laptops cause cancer of the balls- if there’s anything of the sort- then selling the laptops for them and receiving my humble commission.

Some sore losers on the other hand were conspicuously seen in South Africa, while some brothers in the lakeside shit on themselves, literally, when they couldn’t take it anymore. I forgive them, Tunajiharia Kuwa Wakenya. Others, kina Karoocy, were busy cleaning graffiti off the State House walls, allegedly, after Kibaki, again allegedly, left ‘Kibaki Was Here’ messages all over State House.

However, I did not intend this to be a political blog.

The one thing that brought just about as much controversy as the Swearing in of the fourth president of Kenya was the this week’s Jicho Pevu. More specifically, Classic 105’s Ciku Muiruri, who hosts the popular radio show, Busted. For those of you who still aren’t aware, Ciku was busted on National TV cuddling with one of the Artur Brothers. And boy did that story boil over; Karma the bitch was on some alien PMS mode.

The following morning, Ciku wrote a detailed explanation, insisting the Artur brother in question merely lifted her up to create more space for people at the party. Right. Kenyans unleashed their madness, with some replying, and I quote, that her affidavit did not fool anyone and that it was Amicus Stupidae since it was pretty obvious she was the Amicus Chips Fungae. One idiot in particular said the Artur brothers ‘walimwaga-ryan kwa stronghold.’ Yeah, Kenyans can be rough.

Whether Ciku was indeed telling the truth that space was being created beneath her for other people to sit, squat or stand, we’ll never know. But the one thing that was clear was that being a celebrity in Kenya is tough. In my honest opinion, the only Celebrity that’s never taken heavy fire from Kenyans, especially on Social Media, is Miss Babes. Yeah, the one of the Mitumba High Heels fame. Think about it. Whom else haven’t we roasted?

To consider a few; Bamzigi for starters.

Despite the guy fighting a drug addiction problem and getting his act together by going for rehab then releasing his first song in about as long as I last got laid, people still had a go at him. I admit, Bachete was an ear sore; and a pretty bad one for that matter. The kind that makes the deaf feel a sense of victory over the rest of us. Perhaps it was because he chose to collabo with Kaytrixx, or as he’s better known on Twitter, Gaytrixx. The point here is, Bamzigi was accused of going full retard because he did not quite live up to expectation.

Then there’s KTN’s Ian Mugoya, who was brought to the limelight following a successful season of Changing Times. Then he decided he was rich and famous enough to get dumped by the daughter of the Keroche Industries CEO… and the roller coaster ride had just begun. He went ahead to goldigging a certain lass from the Coast, only this time he was stupid enough to get exposed on FaceBook. As if ndurama that resulted wasn’t enough, he went for the socialite, Huddah, whom I swear I have nothing against. I swear.

Ok, may be just the fact that the blackboard we had back at Primary School was less flat. Or the fact that her P is so pounded she could be the backup currency of the United Kingdom in case anything happened to the Sterling Pound. And we would never know. Ok, never mind. Back to Mugoya. Now nobody takes him seriously anymore and Shee seems to think he’s ‘a broke ass bitch of a man’. Her words, not mine.

Next, there’s Camp Mulla’s babe, Miss Karun. Despite her obvious talent and beauty, people still said she looks like Danny Welbeck. Honestly, I’m still not sure why my crush had to be compared with a dude. One that plays for Manchester United for that matter. Miss Karun was clearly a victim of a MEME that went viral that resulted in me unfollowing the perpetrators of hate-speech against my girlfriend.

One day i will let her know my new binoculars are in love with her too… and perhaps if she’ll let me, that the colour of the paint in her bedroom doesn’t look very nice from a distance. Nevertheless, how people roasted Miss Karun and never for one minute did the same to Kaz will forever remain a mystery to me… pause… oh wait, I think that may have had something to do with her generosity in providing more fap material than the entire pornhub.

Moving on.

Then there is Caroline Mutoko. We all know her story. Magnificent on the microphone at Kiss 100 and splendid at plagiarism and picking fights with Kenyans on Twitter. Carol picked the wrong day(s) to annoy people and it almost resulted in a world war. She had clearly learnt nothing from Alai, who took to the streets to perfect his screaming skills and eventually got rewarded with one of the funniest trending topics I ever saw, #TheAlaiScream. Why she chose to steal an article that had been posted online only months before, I still don’t know… but I doubt she ever will again. Ninjas spotted the article so fast, a premature ejaculator would probably have come last- absolutely no pun intended- if it were a race against time.

Anyway, the list could go on, I haven’t even mentioned Esther Arunga and Jimmie Gay-it and Larry Midomo or even Shaffie the king of being tossed out by bouncers and i won’t, because now you see my point. Being a celebrity in Kenya is hard because people love drama too damn much.

Oh, what the hell, life wouldn’t be the same without them anyway.