Posts Tagged ‘#KOT’

After all is said and done, Hitler was a monster to say the least

First and foremost, I want to vehemently state that my blog is not gutter press unlike most other blogs today out there. I will not point fingers either for that reason. At Ketihapa.wordpress.com, we do not wear over-sized blue grandma sweaters either that bring out the best of our nostrils and underline your social. We do not say who is fucking who, and who is who’s sweaterheart. Wait, what?

Never mind.

The real reason I wrote this blog is because I miss you fellas. It’s been a while since I wrote anything that’s relevant to Twitter as I have recently re-discovered a talent I had long forgotten I had; creative writing. However, a few things have caught my attention that require to be addressed urgently and which require your opinion. Not that I care about your opinions, but I do appreciate it because it keeps my blog going.

The biggest of those issues is the still to be solved death of a fallen hero of the Kenyan law and constitution, Mr. Mutula Kilonzo, whom, as it is now emerging, was a champion in the bedroom with a little help from another learned friend called Viagra. Yes, it was obvious Mr. Mutula, may he RIP, was with a woman the morning he died. However, I will not even begin to describe my shock and dismay after it emerged that the woman in question was in fact another champion; a champion of plagiarism.

Her name is Caroline Mutoko. After all, we all know she doesn’t date people with mediocre minds like the rest of us. We’re numbskulls, remember?

So, to put this in perspective, if it is proven she was indeed the said woman, she preaches water on how people to be faithful, when she’s in fact, drinking wine. Issorait. Carol, as someone pointed out, if this is true, this will be a big Blow to your Job. Never mind, KOT can be crafty with words. Point is, you have a daughter and you’re dating Radio Africa’s Patrick Quarco. The irony of it all being the speed at which you rebuke cheating partners. You’re a fucking cheetah.

But then again, as I said, all this is if it’s proven true. I am not ready for a defamation lawsuit. You can read the original post unmasking her here:

Then there’s the small matter of the bedbugs in Kenyatta University hostels. Well, it’s not like we’re really shocked; at least now we know who, ok, for purposes of this post, what taught the ladies at KU to be really good at sucking. Full pun intended. Dating a KU chic is hard, and reasonably so. First, she will suck your money, because granted, she will not be stealing side mirrors from motorists when you’re around.

Then, you finally think you’ve caught a break and that you’ll get laid; wapi? So she invites you over, and knowing how difficult men find it to reject sex, you’ll rush over.. Forgetting there are bedbugs that will see your erection as a thankful of blood. And guess what my friend, you cannot exile them. Hell, they call their friends over to enjoy the feast at hand.

To make matters worse, as if we haven’t had a bad enough past couple of weeks already, Jaguar released yet another music video from his recently launched ‘eh eh eh’ genre of music; you know the type of music where the words ‘eh’ feature after every three words to produce rhyming effect because the song doesn’t make sense.

I wouldn’t say it was a bad video considering he spent his fortune making it, featuring a convertible Bentley. Pause. And a plane, albeit a small, joke of a plane, but hey, a plane is a plane, so LANES people. He even got to throw a bash that featured Mugoya and Nick Mutuma.

Sadly, Jaguar has to learn that an expensive video doesn’t make the music sound good, especially when Vee Baiby is not in it. As some idiot on Twitter said last week, if Bamzigi and Jaguar were to fall off a cliff, it is Kenyan Music that would survive.

Finally, the condoms. I still do not get why Catholic priests are still against these life savers. I’m very sure none of you would be theoretically against it if altar boys were to theoretically get pregnant. Plus, you contradict yourselves. You preach the body is the temple of the Lord, yet you encourage people to kill the Lord’s temples with HIV/AIDS by not using condoms.

Do you sleep at night knowing because of you some people might never live their lives to their fullest? That some of them are right now considering committing suicide because they had unprotected sex following your advice and contracted HIV? Does it make you feel more significant contradicting scientific facts just because you don’t believe in it? Guess what, it only makes you sound ignorant and worse murderers than Hitler because, guess what again, you’re almost at the halfway mark of the total people that died due to his actions.

Anyway, that is just my opinion, but as I said, I’d love to hear what you guys have to say, especially on the condom issue. In the meantime, I’ll go back to picking up the scattered pieces of my broken heart because Grace Msalame called these two idiots @iDaywa and @mSale_ ‘babie’ on my TL.

*leaves holding onions to disguise the tears*

KETIHAPA KOT 2012 AWARDS

Posted: December 31, 2012 by ketihapa in Twitter
Tags: , ,

KetiHapa KOT end of 2012 Awards are finally here

Well, it’s finally that time of the year again when we can say we’re on page 366 of 366 of the year 2012. I gotta admit, this year would have been extremely boring for most of us had it not been for social media and in particular, Twitter; and we’ve got Safaricon and Orange- the rest don’t count- for the numerous amounts of money worth of credit spent in search of personal gratification. Life on Twitter has been a year of growth for most Kenyans on Twitter (KOT), and as such, it would be a shame if we were to turn over the first page of the year 2013 without the due recognition of the hard work put in by various tweeps , hence the much awaited #KetiHapaKOT2012Awards. Without much ado:

TRENDING TOPIC OF THE YEAR:

Personally, it was an honour to see most of these TTs. Most were good and I did manage to start one myself, but the most hilarious of the lot were #MajibuZaMakanga, #UnluckyBrayo, and the longest serving TT of 2012, #UjingaNi. These three produced some of the most hilarious tweets- the likes of #UjingaNi kuuliza Royco Mchuzi Mix ni ya DJ mganibut it would be ungfair not to mention #TVYaFreddie, #KairuTheCow and the TT of the year, #BudgetYaMasufferer. The latter, most will agree, killed it, with tweets such as “#BudgetYaMasuffer: maziwa lala sasa iamshwe” by @DjSadic and @DopestchiQa’s “Ile light inakuwanga at the end of the tunnel izimwe kusave energy. #TVYaFreddie was the outright runners up with tweets such as #TVYaFreddie ni ndogo mpaka iko na scrollbars.

TWITPIC OF THE YEAR:

This was once again hotly contested, but it is @Lindovaniella that takes the crown with his hilarious twitpic of Liverpool FC. MEMEs were not included in this category however due to the sheer humour they brought.

@Lindo_Vaniella’s winning twitpic

MEME OF THE YEAR:

It was almost irrelevant who created these MEMEs. The important part is that they all made it to Twitter thanks to you and the cracked us up. The judges once again had difficulty choosing but in the end, @Fena_menal won with the “Best Pick up line” MEME,

@Fena_menal’s wiining MEME

followed closely by @petrolheadmtash’s “maji baridi ni yeye” MEME.

MOST ANNOYING TWEEP:

Yes, he had to be. @AbdulCollo was unanimously voted as the most annoying tweep of 2012. From the lame boring tweets, the forced made up typos, his famous #nf #fb tweets, to say the least, he was annoying. His failed attempt at blogging didn’t help either. It is also worth noting that the most annoying tweep of 2012 was also the voted as the Attention Whore of the year 2012 alongside @TerryKibiriti as well as the Asskisser of the Year. Congrats mate, you won all three awards. And no, we are not applauding you.

TWEEF OF THE YEAR:

It wasn’t hard deciding between the tweef between @HuddahMonroe and @MaryaOgopaDJs or the one between @SheeWaruinge and @VivianLaser. The former was on a whole new level- dignigfied and classy, not trashy. The insults hurled were mature and did not involve masturbating on couches or petty issues like who had daddy issues or who was uglier like the latter. It was all about difference in opinion and tastes and preferences. To date, I still do not know who won, though we can all agree that Marya did have a point that Whore-Da-Moan-Raw is a bitch and likewise, Huddah said the truth when she said that Marya’s music is shit.

MOST INFLUENCIAL TWEEPS:

Keyword, tweeps. The judges felt that it would be unfair to pick one form either gender. In the end, it was decided that the old guard did have an upper hand owing to a huge fan base and experience. @RamzZy_, @JoeWMuchiri and @Sickolia_ were voted the most influencial male tweeps and it well reflected in the number of TTs they all individually started or fuelled. @Lencer_B was the most influencial female tweep and I swear the judges swore it had nothing to do with the unusual status of her bossom. @Dopestchiqa came close too since there was hardly a day that went by without someone making reference to her unkempt, smelly forest. Other female tweeps in the limelight were @RoothyM_ , @Annghostface and @Zed_Shantall, who for a full 24 hours rendered the TL inaccesiible with their free flow Kamba tweets.

SUBARU OF THE YEAR:

First and foremost, all subarus that were in the form of subtweets were rejected. Secondly, up and until 30th of December 2012, Rama’s Subaru to the poor fellow that dared explain Rama’s failed joke and was rewarded with the remark that his head was full of donkey piss, was in. But all it took was @Njiiru_’s Subaru to overtake Rama, which undoubtedly sped past the recipient at an approximated speed of 750 mph according to observers. Njiiru said “Larry Asego is a good stand up comedian; he starts talking and I stand up to go and switch off the TV.” @Arumthechamp was also in the running with his manual RT to the boastful @RobertAlai, who tweeted that “he had two HTC one X wakati wengine hawana ata moja”. Arum silenced him with “People your age are bragging about companies they own.”

Somebody say VVVVRROOOOOM!!!

TYPO OF THE YEAR:

We saw them, laughed at them and got to fera a number of grammar Nazis in the process. From @Kebubu’s ‘Sguga’ and ‘Sjula’the @RockstarWakafs’ unending antics till he changed his handle to @Wakamaa_ and then @JohnTexx famous ‘The Scripture’ that gave us the awesome #JohnTexxPlaylist TT, it was decided that the best typo of 2012 was undoubtedly made by @Hamzae. Hamzae tweeted “Why did I went to that hotel smh” to which @masaku_ promptly replied “to hide your bad grammar.” @Zanaisha did put up a good fight with her “Which is the best colon for men” tweet that was responded to appropriately by @Jayfreakay with “->> ; <<-is the best colon.”

AVI OF THE YEAR:

I’m not sure why there was ever a need to vote on this one, as it was @Verbstract that was the undisputed winner with his Britam avi. It was wrong on so many levels that @Droid254 even made an upcountry replica of the avi in question. ION, it was @KolaBoof and not a KOT that won Ugliest avi of the year.

@Verbstract’s avi of the year

BLOG OF THE YEAR:

2012 was a year of discovery for many would-be budding writers that writing is not as easy as txting a lass to try and make her laugh so you can get laid. Blogging is even harder because you have to maintain an audience and a following. Only two blogs met this criterion as voted by you and these were @arumthechamp’s TheRareChamp and yours’ truly, KetiHapa. Enough said.

 TWEET OF THE YEAR:

Nothing gave the judges more headache than this category. Creativity was insane in the year 2012 hence there was no shortage of crazy tweets. Eventually, the judges settled on three. @Mwass_ was first with his tweet to @safaricomltd “how do I download ‘Twitter for iPad’ on my sister’s iDeos?” followed by @Ben_Skulizy with

“Officer: Kijana ebu toa kipande…

Me: *produces bar soap*

And that’s how I died St. Peter. Now can I enter?”

@Jayfreakay was once again in the limelight with this tweet “If Mo Farah is knighted atakuwa Sir Farah kama sisi tu.”

@iMurumba came close with his tweet: “I’d like to break up with someone over walkie-talkie just for laughs. ‘…Babe, relationship, over…”

RETWEET OF THE YEAR:

The RT that most definitely takes the crown is the manual RT by @YungSimba__, who RTd @_ilukuya_
“@YungSimba__: Sa unataka leaver’s bash ama? RT @ _ilukuya_: @yungsimba__ UNFOLLOWED.”

Yup, you see why we had little choice.

MOST TASTELESS TWEET OF THE YEAR:

As usual, contestants were many but this time, it was @Opiyow who did it for the judges with her tweet “Everything that gets lost in Chief Kariuki’s area is usually recovered later. I should have lost my virginity there.” @RamzZy came second with “Father Kizito was happy to support the Mount Kenya Union of None Drinking Ushers. Nobody knew why until they saw the Union’s acronym.” Finally, @MwangiViktor was tied at third with @Mr_Wyragu. The former tweeted:

“Boy: Unapenda mimi ama choo?

Chic: Mbona?

Boy: Nadhani unapenda choo kuniliko. Ata haihitaji kukuambia utoe suruali na mi nang’ang’ana”

Mr_Wyragu on the other hand said “Agroup of fish is called a school? Guess who’ll be having some dropouts for supper…”.

@putakonamatako was voted most inappropriate handle of 2012.

 

ONE-HIT-WONDER OF THE YEAR:

Deservedly goes to @Leondecow, formerly @Leondacow and a.k.a. @leonzecow. Leon started out well, pissing off people on his way to stardom, more or less like @AbdulCollo, but his stardom was substantially cut short when he enrolled in campus. He was soon to find out that dating older women is much more difficult when they find out you’re a ‘fresher’. His street-cred was further hit when a story about a guy confessing to have had intercourse with a cow name Kairu went viral (#KairutheCow). His only consolation is that @Stan_njohiSTI came close at second place, with Stan’s short lived glory being to his public rejection by @TerryKibiriti for trying to date her with his HELB loan. Eventually, Anniversary Towers was nowhere in sight to bail him, out this time round.

TWEEP OF THE YEAR:

It was supposed to be an easy decision for the judges; sift through all votes cast and determine the most consistent tweep. The only problem was, there were lots of hilarious tweeps out there that were all voted in by you and who consistently left the TL in stiches throughout the year. @Njiiru_, @Mwass_ and @Masaku_ were the obvious choices, but it would have been a gross error to leave out @Opiyow, @iMurumba, @DavieKarr and definitely @Kamweru. In the end, the judhges had to pick one and it was @Masaku_ that emerged the winner. He is hereby crowned the reigning KOT Personality of the Year.

Private Jackson, the sniper who never missed in the 1998 Spielberg movie, Saving Private Ryan

I am a mad man, or so I’m told. But if you’re going to call me a mad man and you’re a Kenyan on Twitter (or #KOT) as they are famously known, then I’m sorry; coz guess what, all Kenyans on Twitter are mad people- lunatics that’ll stop at nothing to have a little fun. Sometimes, I think Caroline Mutoko of the numbskulls fame was right. When we’re not telling @Freddie_rich that he used sand paper to make his TV a flat-screen- yeah, the same TV where Sossi adverts feature bones and whose channels are separated by curtains- we’re busy reminding @_Mwass_ that a Galaxy SIII is just a phone that proves hard work doesn’t pay; at least not when you’re going to try to download Twitter for iPad on your sister’s ideos.

Sometimes you’ll wake up to find the car you prayed to God for the previous day right on your TL. Yes, in the form of a blue Subaru waiting for you to take a test drive. God knows @Kolaboof and @Paapa_ have a number of them in their parking lots. @LucyWamuyu has even more. Even Samsung, according to #KOT, seem to think that she cannot gerrit. Poor darling. It doesn’t matter how friendly you are with everyone. Twitter streets currently worse than those in Mombasa. At least in Mombasa, someone will spray you with bullets in a drive by and people will burn down churches in retaliation on your behalf. On twitter, people don’t even bother hiding their identity. They’ll not spray you with bullets; just one shot that will be more accurate than those of the Sniper in the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’.

One minute you’re scrolling down your TL and the next @Gishuvski tells you that your pussy gets more hits than a Wakorino drum. BAM! You try your best to ignore and simply move on but #KOT aren’t done with you. On twitter, you, the victim, are actually supposed to take responsibility for any Subarus that come your way. You either laugh them off or you respond with something even nastier. And if you don’t, you’ve got @The_ONE_Adrian to tell you that he’s seen bigger boils than your breasts so wacha kuringa. I’ll tell you one thing, always respond with something of this caliber, “I’d kick you in the vagina, but my shoe would get lost in there.”

It’s even worse when you decide to stop all the madness so you follow @Cyvilldeillest’s example and start tweeting inspirational stuff like “Sometimes you need to challenge yourself!” Yeah, you even complete your transformation with an exclamation mark. Sorry brother, @JoeWMuchiri will simply reply with “Yes, you should. Eg. You can try to fap with your feet.” And if @SirLV smells even a whiff of your recent transformation, he’ll tell you that people who tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who read every day in school and still got D’s. His point, it fucking gets you nowhere. All you’re inspiring people to do is to unfollow you.

Sometimes you could be really down and in need of a joint like my @Sharzysharz and to drive the point home that nobody cares, @marto_kop will ask you, “Kwani huna magoti?.” And if he doesn’t, @Vynkev and @dannyceo will probably hit you with a MEME that reads “Negative Sir. Cannot locate any fucks around here” or “Hiyo story yako ingekuwa chakula tungeshiba.” Perhaps, like @AlchemistCB, you might have come across a great movie airing on KTN and so you decide to ask, “Hiyo movie iko KTN inaitwa?” Don’t worry, you’ll get an answer alright, but if @ilfabiano answers, it will be “Inaitwa na nani?” You decide it can’t get any worse and so this time round you ask for a good series to watch. Sadly, @RamZzy_ has been waiting for you in some dark alley and just when you think you’re in the clear, he’ll jump you and tell that the best series he could find for you was “1, 2, 4, 7, 11, 16, 22…” My advice, never ask any questions on twitter. NEVER!

One more thing, twitter is full of Ninjas and Grammar Nazis. If you’re not sure about the proper spelling of a word or correct punctuation, my dear, please Google. Trust me you really don’t want the scenario where you ask, like @_Anaisha_, “What’s the best colon for men?” and @Jayfreakay is the one to answer to answer your question. Yes, he’ll tell you that thisà;ß is the best colon available. You also shouldn’t wish that Michuki should rice back to life. Typos can either make or break your life on twitter. Case in point @kebubu (founder of Sguga and Sjula Inc. ) and @Wakamaa_  respectively. The latter was forced to change his handle from @Rockstarwakafs after this TT: #RockstarwakafsTweet.

On these Twitter streets, celebrities and important people aren’t spared either. Most people here think Miguu na Miguu na Pang’ang’a is irrelevant; but I’m not so sure @mbusih, @dannyceo and @leondacow would consider him irrelevant if the book he wrote were “Peeling back the Skirts” instead. Sheila Mwanyigah wil have learnt that the next time she rolls herself in a bowl of flour she shouldn’t twitpic it unless she’s ready for @Roomthinker. And this time, she’d better have an arsenal with her because you can be sure he’ll say something better than “You can tell from Sheila’s face that she’s been taking care of herself for years: self-raising.” Oh, and fyi by arsenal I don’t mean the team whose ambitions for this season have now changed from winning trophies to trying to finish the season with at least 11 players. A real arsenal.

So that’s about it folks, Twitter is not your friend. It doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings and it doesn’t care whether you’re a guy or a chic. In fact, it’s worse if you’re a chic because if you’re a loud mouth, you’d better be hot like @peachezk23 and @zawadibby. Pray to God you aren’t a momo and that nobody knows what school you’re from. Apparently @_Mwass_ thinks JKUAT chics steal your phone while USIU chics steal your girlfriend and likewise, K.U. chics steal sidemirrors. If you are any of the above, you’d better not care what in God’s ass people tweet about you like @ShirleyGhetto. If you’re the type to ‘catch feelings’ like @Mckym, you’ll definitely tweet from a retirement home (read @idaempress) when you act like Potiphar’s wife and leak fabricated DMs supposedly from old men (read @RobertAlai) who supposedly think you want the D.

So don’t tweet things like “My mum is fucking annoying”, because the eventuality of that convo will be @Eljayjoe telling you “Go tell your father.” Have a great weekend people.