Posts Tagged ‘Mike Sonko’

Can we all just agree that the Zombies in The Walking Dead are scarier than the zombies in World War Z, please?

No doubt you’ve watched the much anticipated World War Z, or you’re an ardent fan of AMC’s The Walking Dead, Warm Bodies, or all three. All of them typically are about a world overrun by zombies. For those that haven’t, zombies are creatures that have somehow defied death and come back to ‘life’; ok life here is relative. They have control of their exoskeletons hence can walk, albeit at the pace of a slug, maybe slower. In addition, they have no heartbeat and zero brain activity, which means they are only driven by their desire for a taste of human blood. As if that’s not gross enough, their favorite dessert are human brains. Warm Bodies did go further to explain that zombies love eating brains because it allows them to relieve thoughts and memories of other people, but hey, it doesn’t change the fact that it is a gross affair.

Regardless, neither explains how to survive such a zombie apocalypse. I doubt any production will in future either, hence the reason for this post; of course based on what I have learnt from watching them.

  1. First and foremost, the easiest way to survive a zombie attack is to shoot them in the head. Yes, I mean accurate headshots that will blow their rotting brains out. You could do better and cut off their heads, although you do risk the zombie pinning you down and biting you, or worse, making a feast of your brain. I repeat, I encourage you not to give them your thoughts, literally. If you’re bitten, you’re prolly turn into one yourself and someone else will blow off your head. Either way, you’re dead.
  2. There is this story I love of three women that were to be executed by firing squad, I suppose for treason; I am not sure. So, as the story goes, the army commander was generous enough to allow the women to say whatever last words they had, only unknown to him, the women had agreed to each mention a disaster, which would divert attention and give them a chance to escape. So the first woman, an African, on being asked for her last words, shouted “FLASH FLOOD!!!” which was enough to divert attention and she climbed over the wall and ran. The second woman, a brunette, shouted “VOLCANO!!” and she too escaped. The third woman on being asked for her last words shouted “FIREEEE!!!” Needless to say, she was a blonde.

    What’s the point of that story? Simple. Zombies are slower than a blonde’s brain activity. Therefore, when you meet one, or more, trust your legs. RUN the fuck away like you’re a Kalenjin woman that wants to give her boyfriend a lap dance.

  3. Zombies may have zero brain activity, but that doesn’t mean that their senses do not work (Don’t ask me how; I thought the brain is what causes reaction to stimuli). My point is, zombies have excellent sense of hearing. Avoid loud mouths. In fact, I’d urge you not to be anywhere near Jaguar, Mike Sonko, Shebesh, 2 Chainz, Souljah Boy, or whoever else you deem to be a source of loud noise. For instance, keep off Kidero in case he decides to slap anyone and the sound that follows attracts unwanted attention from zombies to you.

    You could also do yourself a good deal to learn using weapons such as swords, crossbows, knives, etc. That goes to you too terrorists. Kindly avoid guns and bombs for the obvious reason that they are loud. And if you have to use a bomb, please use it wisely to blow yourself up and take out as many zombies as you can in the process. I know it could be a new concept blowing yourself up to save other people, but you might just double the number of virgins waiting for you in the afterlife.

  4. In addition, as afore mentioned in number 3, zombies have excellent senses. This applies to their sense of smell and sight too. However, not to worry. There is a way to fool them. However, this might be somewhat gross, so light skins, you might have to hope it doesn’t come to this. This is because it will require you to blow a zombies brains out. Then, you will be required to smear their rotting remains on yourself, which automatically covers up your natural scent with that of a zombie, meaning other zombies cannot smell you out, even if they do see you. However, only use this method if you won’t vomit your intestines out, since vomiting does tend to be a loud, messy affair and we don’t want you attracting zombies to yourself now, do we?

    Alternatively, you could cut off a two zombie’s hands off as well as their teeth and nails, then tie the zombies close to you. This will have the same effect of masking your scent. You can walk with them wherever without rousing suspicion.

  5. World War Z also finds an even better solution. Find yourself a scientist first. Then, you will have to inject yourself with a serum of a weakened form of the virus that causes people to turn into zombies and pray to God your immunity is strong enough to resist the changing process. This virus will alter your DNA to match a zombie’s and they cannot attack one of their own. However, this method should be used with a lot of caution. You should be locked in a room just in case you turn into a zombie and start eating other people’s brains, which will translate into absolutely zero work done; like having sex with a Socialite with a basin pussy and you’re Asian… we all know that if an Asian with an erection is running and he collides into a wall it’s his nose that will get broken.
  6. Finally, ok, actually this should have been number one on this guide, you should learn how to be a thief. This particular skill set will enable you stock up food, medication and an adequate supply of water. Yes, steal, stock it up. You’re going to need a huge supply of those because you can’t really go fishing or farming. Not with zombies wandering all over the place. Ladies, you can stock up cucumbers too just in case all men in the world turn into zombies and there’s no one anymore to help you deal with when you’re horny. Do whatever you have to; just don’t get bit in the process.

    If you do get bit, take heart. You will turn into a zombie soon and the only thing you have to be scared of is a man with a gun trying to blow your brains off. If you’re the sensible type, or you don’t want to die as a zombie, kill yourself; but by shooting yourself in the head. DO NOT try to hang yourself, or you’ll spend eternity dangling from a tree growling senseless things and you can’t even go to sleep because zombies can’t fall asleep. DO NOT try to drown yourself either, or you’ll be stuck in water forever because zombies can’t swim either. Also, dont believe for a second what Warm Bodies purports, that zombies can be healed with love. BLOW THEIR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

The Al Shabaab is is a real menace in Kenya

Hello good people. No, scratch that. I should start by first of all apologizing for my recent inactivity. I really shouldn’t explain myself but I have for some weird reason grown a disturbing attachment to you all, who for the last couple of months have taken your time to read the memoirs of a drunk you hardly know and for that I thank you. Anyway, the last month has been pretty hectic for most of you, I know, myself included and just now am I starting to get back on my feet again. Don’t worry; I didn’t add an extra level of intelligence. That ship sailed a long time ago.

The last month was full of drama and unexplained events and it would be a gross error not to at least mention a few of them. So I decided to review them one by one and give my very fair analysis:

1.       Alex Kinyua

There are more things that got me more surprised than this one; like for instance the fact that America published a guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Yes. If you’ve watched AMC’s The Walking Dead you will understand what a zombie apocalypse might look like, but I really think the guide on how to survive one published by the American Centre for Disease Control would have been intended for people who really needed it; you know, like the actors in the Walking Dead. But hey, we all know at least one daft person in a place of authority. In Kenya we have Mike Sonko. I’d gladly trade him for the 80 MPs in Parliament who didn’t go to school however.

Seriously though, I tried to understand how Alex decided to eat up another man and I came up with the conclusion that Alex and his victim were both gay- no in fact, they were an amateur gay couple. I imagine the scenario where Alex’ lover, God rest his- or her soul, don’t know who the woman was in the relationship- said to Alex, “Baby you can have my heart,” which Alex, being the daft romantic that he was, understood to be “Take a knife and cut out my heart.” Another possible scenario would be where Alex was trying to woo his friend and only he knew, like we all do, that the shortest way to a lover’s heart is through the chest. Using a knife. Nyeri men can attest to that. That or Alex had been reading the best-selling cannibal book, “How to Serve your fellow man”. I hope his victim suited his taste.

2.       The Heist

Shortly after my laptop got fried- Alex Kinyua, no pun intended- I lost all hope and sunk into a very depressed phase, which saw me turn into a serious alcoholic. Ok, I’m just trying to justify the fact that I consumed a bottle of vodka with hot coffee as the chaser at 4 am in the morning with an accomplice you will soon come to know. Anyway, I walk back to my place to find the door wide open and the lights on. Still drunk, I thought the girl of my dreams had finally found out that in one of my fantasies, I find her in bed completely nude on my bed, smoking a cigarette as she waits for me. I may or may not have undressed, I’m not sure, but the instant I walked into that door and she wasn’t there, I lost it.

I think I was even more pissed off because I couldn’t understand what kind of low life steals from another man and leaves his lights on. Electricity is damn expensive in Kenya. Anyway I decided to give the house a visual inspection. Everything was in place, except my gas was gone- so was my new pair of leather shoes and my modem. That’s not all. There was food in the sufuria and undone dishes. Like Clint the Drunk said at the Night of a Thousand Laughs- thank God for the internet- “Don’t worry, be happy”, I simply emptied the food into a clean plate, sat down on the floor and ate. I was famished after all; and my thief was a pretty damn good cook.

I learnt something though. Never use a Solex padlock if you live in the sort of neighborhood where you’ll buy a woman pizza and she’ll take the empty box back home as a trophy or if the phrase “see the doctor” literary means looking at a doctor’s photograph. Also, if in your place fuel is sold in sachets. Another thing, if you get angry, your phone is no match for the floor.

3.       24 season 9

Remember 24, the action packed series that shows a series of events all leading to one major event, usually a terrorist scare of a bomb, that will be stopped by one Jack Bauer all in a span of 24 hours? Yeah, Kenya finally has that. Only in our case, we have no Jack Bauer and the big event does go through. I mean the Al Shabaab people. Their plans are so creatively hatched that their events only happen in a span of ten minutes tops. Usually, a man will leave a bag containing a bomb in a shopping mall, hurl the bomb in a church, or two churches to be specific and most times, drinking dens and bus terminals. The one thing I do give them credit for though, is their unmistakable love of life.

The Al Shabaab has re-invented the art of suicide bombing. Suicide in this case means placing a bomb very close to yourself, then performing a glorious disappearing act just as the bomb is about to go off. Houdini himself would be proud. One might even think they have a blast watching the bomb go off. But hey, what do I know. I actually blame the City Council; what do you expect when you put up signs at bus stops telling people “Alight here”? I bet they will alight all right, terrorists will do better; they will go off. Literary. Also, I think they finally found out that the only virgins left in Kenya are Miss Karun and Jimmie Gait.

The problem with fighting terrorism is that it’s like being a goal keeper; an Arsenal goal keeper more realistically. You can make a hundred saves, but people only remember the 8 shots that got past you. In my opinion, the only way to fight terrorism is by using women. Give them guns and tell them Al Shabaab think they are fat and ugly.

Have a great week people.

Yes, bad TV will do this to you.

One of the most touching stories I ever read went something like this if my memory serves me right:

An old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in a train, which was about to leave the station. As the train started the young man, who was seated next to the window, was filled with joy and curiosity. He put his hand out of the window to feel the passing wind and he shouted, “Papa see all the trees are moving past us.” The old man smiled and acknowledged his son’s feelings. A couple seated beside the young man, listened to the conversations between the father and son. They felt a little awkward with the child-like behavior of the 25-year old man.

Again the young man shouted, “Papa, see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train”. The couple again felt embarrassed with the young man’s behavior. It started to rain and the rain drops touched the young man’s hand. He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes. He shouted again, “Papa it’s raining, water is touching me.” The couple couldn’t help themselves and asked the old man, “Why don’t you visit the doctor and get your son treated.” The old man replied, “Yes, we just came from the hospital. Today my son got his eyes for the first time in his life.”

Most of you will agree with me, I know; it is a powerful story, the moral of which is supposed to be ‘not everything appears as it is on face value’. But no, I am not a motivational speaker no will I ever be. Rather, the story got me thinking. Imagine if the poor fellow opened his eyes and the first thing he saw in 25 years was a typical Kenyan television show. The shock and dismay he would get equals that if he regained his eyesight and the first thing he saw was Chelsea beating Barcelona courtesy of a Torres goal after Messi messed a pelanty.

So, I compiled a list of the top five worst things ever to be aired on Kenyan TV, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, drum rolls….

5. Naija Movies

I really do not want to sound cliché. Nigerian movies to say the least are tedious and unending. The plots of all movies are basically the same and I suspect they have one national script writer, much like our very own Naomi Kamau who came up with the once brilliant likes of Tahidi High and Mother in Law. It unnerves me that every sentence for some reason has to start and end with “oh”, more or less like Kenyan TV anchors tend to think every sentence in an interview has to start with “now”. They have badly choreographed cinematography which involves the all too familiar scene where the killer begs for permission to kill his victim beforehand just before you hear “Afro-Cinema continues shortly”. On the plus side they do have impressive 4D effects; Disturbing, Disgusting, Depressing and Disappointing.

4. Papa Shirandula / Inspekta Mwala / Tahidi Highs

I couldn’t decide which is worse. These shows have a palpable similarity. Badly suited actors, bad sound quality, forced humor and usually, non-existent story lines. I do not know whether the actors sign an “act like a kid” contract because I find it really hard to believe that most of them are capable of behaving like adults. In my honest opinion, Machachari is a way better show because at least the childishness depicted is at least acted out by children. These three shows have adamantly refused to end despite being long overdue and the worst bit is, they have no seasonal breaks and the actors look like they crammed their lines on the spot, if any exist that is. God knows even Mike Sonko with his missing brain would do a better job.

3. Weather forecasts

Some of you will dispute why this is ranked third on my list. But if you can answer this question for me I will gladly take it off the list. So here goes, if it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Wipe that sneer off your face. I’m glad you now see what I mean. The point is, nobody- not even the weather men- can predict the future. I can assure you the only way to not get rained on in town is to avoid anyone called Wambua, Wambura or Nyambura but just in case it does rain na unyeshewe, I hope you remembered to carry Always with you and or condom shoes. And an umbrella.

2. #TheTrend

NTV’s The Trend. What trend? The only thing I see trending when it airs is boredom which is unfortunate since the show is presented by one James Smart. The sad irony is that James Smart isn’t even well dressed to start with. His questions are lame and un-smart and he picks topics on events that happened decades ago, for instance bringing Robert Alai on the show. I do not refute that he probably saved mankind with his famous scream that reportedly rebuffed an Alien invasion; or that the US thought the self-proclaimed ’22 year old’ was the human version of Power Puff Girls, who also have a cute but formidable Super Sonic scream. But why bring back something that happened and trended months ago? I will forgive anything, except typos and backward people. The trend is the latter and the fact of the matter is #TheTrend is a tragic imitation of Aljazeera’s #TheStream.

1. Q TV

The biggest washout on Kenyan TV is undoubtedly Q TV. For once, a TV channel other than **KBC managed to irritate people. I tried giving Q TV the benefit of doubt because I thought they had one or two watchable shows. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Nulla. Let me try Swahili, HAKUNA. The entire channel is unwatchable. I agree with whoever said that Q TV is the fifth horseman of the apocalypse, because the fact of the matter is, Q TV is enough to make anyone commit suicide. Even a cat with its nine lives wouldn’t survive it. In fact, I heard the government is working on a deal that will allow in-mates in Kamiti to swap their Jail Time for Q TV. Yeah, it is that serious. Someone joked on twitter that they are ISO certified; they are eye-sore certified that is.

**Please note that for the purposes of accurate and fair ratings, just like tax, KBC was excluded on basis bankruptcy. Also, should your TV screen break, please do not try to fix it with video TAPE. It doesn’t work, trust me, I have tried and failed miserably. Have a good week people.

Ngamia 1 well in Turkana, Kenya, where British company Tullow struck oil

Kids, this is the crazy story of how I met your mother. The year is 2014. The place is in a night club known as Pavements in Westlands, Nairobi.*cue for audience to laugh* I am really drunk- and I think high- and there is this chic giving me weird looks, like a chicken that wants to grow horns; oh wait, I think she’s horny. I know a woman is horny when I start seeing cute little horns growing on her head. Anyway, she is and really drunk and that is my cue to take advantage of her. End of story. Okay, well no. I actually have a condom on. *audience laughs again* Later on I will get to the part where I was paid by the government to have kids about eight seasons or so from now. Hah! Jokes.

This is the sad story of how an archaeologist in the year 2030 decides to excavate an unnamed location in Kenya and he is digging away unmercilessly when he strikes gold. He has come across a cute pile of bones that he will later on discover in shock belonged to Mike Sonko. You see, there is no space for a brain in the skull he has found. Almost as shocking as the skull he found a little while earlier on belonging to Eugene Wamalwa that had three nostrils instead of two. He will care less about the shocking find because as a bonus, he will have found the greatest oil reserve the world ever has seen. He will later on be declared a national hero by the then ruling Army General, who toppled the government a few years back and has since established himself as the new Furor.

Okay, where exactly I am going with this I have no idea either, but that was how I always hoped oil would be discovered in Kenya. Shock on me. Kenya finally struck black gold. I have been dying to make a joke on our oil but no, it would be too crude. You see, I’m neither a pessimist nor am I an optimist. I am like the guy who found the glass half full and instead of whining about how half full or half empty it was, he simply emptied it into a smaller glass and it was full. Two sides of the same coin. I am actually thrilled we have oil, but when I think critically about it, all it means is that enough people finally died and decomposed enough to form oil. Oh, come on. Don’t pretend you had no idea oil is nature’s way of recycling the carbon in our bodies. Think about it, it’s why Arab countries – where so many people died in various wars throughout the centuries – have so much oil.

Now, I know it seems like I am already biased towards our oil reserve but being realistic is also important. I am skeptical that this find will actually be of any use to the people of Turkana. Well, I could spend hours trying to convince people that it is Karma’s way of getting back at Turkana for standing by as the rest of Kenya was colonized but again, no. I’ll, lay down the facts. When Richard Leakey came to Kenya, he said, “It is virtually impossible to control Northern Kenya, which is populated chiefly by migrant nomads.” I maintain that he couldn’t have been more wrong. Fast forward to the year 2012; Kenya discovers there is oil in Northern Kenya. Suddenly there is a mad rush for this arid, sparsely populated area. Coincidence?

I am not saying they won’t get to benefit from the oil directly; what I’m saying is that the game is rigged. It’s called an oil rig for some reason. Who do you think gets to reap the fruits of our new found oil; the fat cats of this country or the people of Turkana? In a way, it’s like the colonization they never really got to enjoy because gradually, they will be pushed out of their land by the fat cats only this time instead of bibles, they might receive some money- quite unlike how white people tricked the rest of us. When they came they had bibles, we had the land. Then they taught us how to pray with our eyes closed and when we did open our eyes, they had the land and we had the bibles. What these poor people will get in truth will be hard menial jobs on these oil fields. Not the worst of jobs, but I’d rather be a cow. Cows have moo-oo-oovies and all miners have is a boring job. Got it, no? Moving on…

So now I have a decision to make; quit school and become a fat cat or go on with school and end up working for one of those fat cats. I once said I wanted to be somebody and only now have I become specific – the decision is clear in my mind. First thing I’ll do is to visit Njoroge and Sons Co. in River Road and obtain a degree that is complete with a university seal and genuine signatures. They can do it, trust me. Then, I will take a loan and become a politician to steal some more money from public coffers and when I have stolen enough, I will look for a willing accomplice, preferably a Kikuyu like me. Together, we will start a company known as Mwangi and ‘somebody’ Company. And no, we will not use vegetables to make vegetable oil or use babies to make baby oil or worse, become miners; we will head over to Turkana and invest in some poor nomad’s land that we will have stolen.

You see like the kid that was asked by a pastor what eats grass, goes moo and gives us milk and he answered, “I suppose the answer is Jesus but it sounds like a cow to me” I know oil is supposed to be the answer, but you got to think outside the box. The oil is only there to facilitate development of Turkana and that is where the money is going to be. I am going to be one rich bastard, all thanks to women who did not use their heads, literally, which caused the population explosion in our country that finally brought us oil. To those same women, DIAPERS is REPAID backwards without ‘s’… Think about it… Also, oil money doesn’t buy everything. Manchester City please take note.