Another week, more drama. Kenya never ceases to amaze me. The mouthy-leggy woman finally launched her much awaited book. I mean the Miguu na Miguu na Pang’ang’a fellow, who barely a week later, has fled the country in search of God knows what. Reports coming claim though that he left for Canada, the only country whose national symbol is a weed leaf disguised as a red clover, although personally, I’d rather he fled to Poland; at least there I am sure this woman would find Poles because to be very honest, the only career I see left for her is to be a pole dancer. Unfortunately, I am not too sure her badly inflated ego would let her- plus she’d have to lose the horrible wardrobe she adores so much.
Seriously though, I would say it wasn’t a bad move, considering people in his hometown already tried to burn down his house and bury his empty coffin. The only problem, however, is that the people he implicated in his book can barely read- the MPs. It is worldwide knowledge that about 4 in every 11 of our MPs never went to school. I fully sympathize with them; and with the pressure mounting on them to go back to school, I think it is high time someone taught them the basics about how to pass exams in Kenya. I have therefore come up with a simple, yet precise guide on how to go about it hassle free.
I wouldn’t want to imagine the scenario where an MP, the candidate (read Mike Sonko) goes to an exam and when asked how to improve Black and White TVs the idiot responds with something like, “We should hire Peter Marangi to paint TV aerials with Dura Coat so as to make the TVs view in full colour.” Ok, that was a fail, but what if he really knew the answer to a question is 22 but didn’t know which 2 to start with? Sad, right? Yeah, it is. So first of all, you are going to need the following items: Kiwi and Shoe Brush, Mwakenya, Bell, Hair, any version of TeraCopy software (doesn’t have to be genuine), Alcohol and Money.
Ready? Here we go. I mentioned Kiwi and Shoe brush for one reason, David Rudisha once said, “Unafyong’arisha fyatu fyako sio fyatu pekee finafyong’ara.” What he meant was that you also get bright as you polish your shoes. And we all know what knowing you’re bright does to your confidence- it soars. In fact, look how well it worked out for the world athletic champion. So, you can go into that exam with full confidence that you are bright. However, please note that this is only applicable to Kiwi; not Lude and definitely not the black sweat of a Sudanese fellow.
Next up, you need the Mwakenya. If you’ve been through the Kenyan education system, you will bear me witness that as the rules get tougher, better ways of breaking them undetected emerge. That’s right; paper mwakenyas, or mwaks from now hence forth, are too mainstream. Anything else can be used as a mwaks; slippers, walls, the ceiling, the floor, your arms, the back of the head of person seated in front of you a.k.a. kisogo, anything really. Plus you MPs have money. Use it; get specially designed biros, socks and handkerchiefs with notes inscribed on them. Only two things though, mwaks does not apply if you’re going for a HIV test. Also, do not get caught.
Next you will need the bell. My friend, have you ever tried to remember something so hard but all you come up with is no more than the word ‘something’? No? Kenyan exams will do that to you. And this is where the bell comes in really handy. Simply follow these simple steps: one, pick up bell; two, bang the hell out of it against your head. I bet now your head should ring a bell, literary, right? For great results, a receding hairline is recommended, but nothing too extreme like Kibaki’s.
As afore mentioned, you need hair. The Swahili really had it right when they said “Akili ni nywele.” All sorts of hair are particularly useful in an exam and have their own different functions. Weaves for instance have the potential to be good mwaks if not hide other mwaks while braids are leakage and your beards should be quite adequate past papers. A wig on the other hand is a NO-NO (Esther Murugi take note). If it, God forbid, fall offs, you’re screwed and what’s more, you’ll look like a scare crow and end up scaring away any potential would-be marks in your exam.
Having done all that, now all you need is your counterfeit copy of TeraCopy software. Ok, maybe I over estimated you. I shouldn’t have expected you to know how to use computers when you don’t even know what parties you’re in. But in the event that you do somehow do know, TeraCopy is the ideal solution for you. TeraCopy is great software for all your copy-paste needs. You can use it to achieve quicker and more accurate results. Only a quick glance to your left or right is required and TeraCopy will do the rest; but a polite disclaimer, your eye-hand coordination should be excellent. Also, if the person to your left or right is Eugene Wamalwa, avoid that direction as there will be hardly any air there to breathe.
Now, when all else has failed, now you can use the Alcohol. Take out your bottle of Vodka and drink up; nobody said you cannot have alcohol in an exam room. You should drink in rapid, moderate mouthfuls and voila, now you are justified to blame your failure on the Alcohol and not your dumb brain. Many have done it, so you can follow suit, but if you’re the type that will chicken out, I have an alternative solution. Alcohol is brewed as a result of the action of yeast on starch. You can therefore consume about a kilo of starch and about two table spoonfuls- no more- of yeast, about an hour before the exam. The alcohol formed in your stomach should be adequate.
Finally, the money. As a proud member of the Kikuyu community, I believe I have earned the right to demand payment for successfully helping you dimwits pass your exams and graduate from whatever the hell you’re graduating from. Oh, and by the way, for an extra token of appreciation (read money), I suggest you also have a bulb with you. You never know when you’re going to need a light-bulb moment. So, my cheque please? When can I come to wait outside your office for 6 hours to collect it Mr. Mheshimiwa?