Posts Tagged ‘nyeri’

The Al Shabaab is is a real menace in Kenya

Hello good people. No, scratch that. I should start by first of all apologizing for my recent inactivity. I really shouldn’t explain myself but I have for some weird reason grown a disturbing attachment to you all, who for the last couple of months have taken your time to read the memoirs of a drunk you hardly know and for that I thank you. Anyway, the last month has been pretty hectic for most of you, I know, myself included and just now am I starting to get back on my feet again. Don’t worry; I didn’t add an extra level of intelligence. That ship sailed a long time ago.

The last month was full of drama and unexplained events and it would be a gross error not to at least mention a few of them. So I decided to review them one by one and give my very fair analysis:

1.       Alex Kinyua

There are more things that got me more surprised than this one; like for instance the fact that America published a guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Yes. If you’ve watched AMC’s The Walking Dead you will understand what a zombie apocalypse might look like, but I really think the guide on how to survive one published by the American Centre for Disease Control would have been intended for people who really needed it; you know, like the actors in the Walking Dead. But hey, we all know at least one daft person in a place of authority. In Kenya we have Mike Sonko. I’d gladly trade him for the 80 MPs in Parliament who didn’t go to school however.

Seriously though, I tried to understand how Alex decided to eat up another man and I came up with the conclusion that Alex and his victim were both gay- no in fact, they were an amateur gay couple. I imagine the scenario where Alex’ lover, God rest his- or her soul, don’t know who the woman was in the relationship- said to Alex, “Baby you can have my heart,” which Alex, being the daft romantic that he was, understood to be “Take a knife and cut out my heart.” Another possible scenario would be where Alex was trying to woo his friend and only he knew, like we all do, that the shortest way to a lover’s heart is through the chest. Using a knife. Nyeri men can attest to that. That or Alex had been reading the best-selling cannibal book, “How to Serve your fellow man”. I hope his victim suited his taste.

2.       The Heist

Shortly after my laptop got fried- Alex Kinyua, no pun intended- I lost all hope and sunk into a very depressed phase, which saw me turn into a serious alcoholic. Ok, I’m just trying to justify the fact that I consumed a bottle of vodka with hot coffee as the chaser at 4 am in the morning with an accomplice you will soon come to know. Anyway, I walk back to my place to find the door wide open and the lights on. Still drunk, I thought the girl of my dreams had finally found out that in one of my fantasies, I find her in bed completely nude on my bed, smoking a cigarette as she waits for me. I may or may not have undressed, I’m not sure, but the instant I walked into that door and she wasn’t there, I lost it.

I think I was even more pissed off because I couldn’t understand what kind of low life steals from another man and leaves his lights on. Electricity is damn expensive in Kenya. Anyway I decided to give the house a visual inspection. Everything was in place, except my gas was gone- so was my new pair of leather shoes and my modem. That’s not all. There was food in the sufuria and undone dishes. Like Clint the Drunk said at the Night of a Thousand Laughs- thank God for the internet- “Don’t worry, be happy”, I simply emptied the food into a clean plate, sat down on the floor and ate. I was famished after all; and my thief was a pretty damn good cook.

I learnt something though. Never use a Solex padlock if you live in the sort of neighborhood where you’ll buy a woman pizza and she’ll take the empty box back home as a trophy or if the phrase “see the doctor” literary means looking at a doctor’s photograph. Also, if in your place fuel is sold in sachets. Another thing, if you get angry, your phone is no match for the floor.

3.       24 season 9

Remember 24, the action packed series that shows a series of events all leading to one major event, usually a terrorist scare of a bomb, that will be stopped by one Jack Bauer all in a span of 24 hours? Yeah, Kenya finally has that. Only in our case, we have no Jack Bauer and the big event does go through. I mean the Al Shabaab people. Their plans are so creatively hatched that their events only happen in a span of ten minutes tops. Usually, a man will leave a bag containing a bomb in a shopping mall, hurl the bomb in a church, or two churches to be specific and most times, drinking dens and bus terminals. The one thing I do give them credit for though, is their unmistakable love of life.

The Al Shabaab has re-invented the art of suicide bombing. Suicide in this case means placing a bomb very close to yourself, then performing a glorious disappearing act just as the bomb is about to go off. Houdini himself would be proud. One might even think they have a blast watching the bomb go off. But hey, what do I know. I actually blame the City Council; what do you expect when you put up signs at bus stops telling people “Alight here”? I bet they will alight all right, terrorists will do better; they will go off. Literary. Also, I think they finally found out that the only virgins left in Kenya are Miss Karun and Jimmie Gait.

The problem with fighting terrorism is that it’s like being a goal keeper; an Arsenal goal keeper more realistically. You can make a hundred saves, but people only remember the 8 shots that got past you. In my opinion, the only way to fight terrorism is by using women. Give them guns and tell them Al Shabaab think they are fat and ugly.

Have a great week people.

No way in hell I'm getting married!

No doubt many of you have heard of the young boy who once asked his father how much it cost him to get married. It was an innocent question but his father, like most fathers, was point blank. He said, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.” That same father was later overheard telling a close friend that he used to hold his wife’s hand before the marriage out of love and lately, he had been doing it for self-defense. That man was my father, and I was that little boy. Although I later understood what marriage is like, I hated my father since for not doing everything he could to save his marriage with my mother. I hated him a little more on Monday morning when my mother called me, sobbing. I had been trying to decide whether to use the office toilets instead of the one in the house because there was no water. I forgot about my shit, literally, when I heard her heart broken voice amidst her sobbing. Apparently, she had been fighting with my dad and now she wasn’t sure she loved him anymore.

I finally decided the office toilet was a better idea and I was soon on my way to town. As usual, there was a jam on Jogoo Road so the driver decided to take a detour. In Eastlands, a driver is considered qualified if he knows how to use all sorts of shortcuts and routes to avoid traffic jams and get his passengers to or from town in time. This one, clearly, was over-qualified. Anyway, with thoughts about my poor mother burning up my head, I found it hard to fall asleep like I usually do and I couldn’t concentrate on the journey either. For the first time in a long time, I was barely able to come up with readable tweets on twitter. All this changed when I realized we were driving past my former high school, which for fear of retribution I will not name. Let’s just say memories of Blue shorts and badly mismatched red shirts came flooding back as well as those of my first real experience of love.

Few of you know me, but those who do know that I’m absolutely a sucker for romance… Jokes. I just love getting laid. That was what my first experience at love taught me to endeavor to do. Being in form one in a Boys’ High School, I slowly came to terms with the fact that girls were no longer at my disposal to ignore like back in my primary school days. There, it was talk or walk dry. I eventually got fed up of walking dry- we called it breezing– and as we had been brain washed to understand by the older boys, breezing was an early sign of dropping out of school. Apparently, it was a sign that you were as straight as the character known as the tilde (~). According to them, your unnatural love for other men would eventually be found out and then you would be either beaten to death, or you would drop out on your own when you found out there was no one else like you in school. Either way, you would drop out of school. I should say I never witnessed it happen all through my high school life.

So anyway, I psyched myself up one Saturday that I was no longer going to be a breezer and when the girls did come that afternoon, I confidently walked up to one. I had even borrowed the best pair of sneakers in my dorm (we were allowed to wear non-uniform attire in the evenings and over the weekends). I also got hold of the hottest ‘perfume’ then, whose synonym I later came to learn in an English lesson was not : (colon) but cologne. She turned out to be one of those short form three girls who die of laughter the moment you mention you’re in form one. I learnt my lesson and moved on; no more mentioning I was in form one, got it. After enduring a couple more lessons, I finally found the perfect girl. She didn’t laugh at me, she actually laughed at my jokes. What’s more, she was only a year ahead of me. The more I talked to her the more I fell deeper in love and I even took her to the field- I am still trying to find the idiot that lied to me and my fellow form ones that the field was the perfect garden to cultivate your love in.

Anyway, we had to part ways in the evening when it was time for her to go back to school and the very next day I wrote her a letter. She never wrote back. In fact, about a dozen more girls never wrote back and I soon stopped trying to feel loved. It was a difficult lesson that life taught me back then, but you know what, I am actually thankful for it. It taught me to shut out my feelings and the next time I did talk to a girl without showing my emotions, I did get laid. Okay, almost- my mother walked in on us, God bless her. Because of that experience, I learnt three things; to get laid is better than to get loved and two that love is really over-rated that three, that women are responsible for all the cold-lying-bastards called men out there. This is how it works, woman lies to man she likes him, man gets heart broken when he realizes it was a lie, man now uses lie to get back at women and protect him from future heart breaks, man discovers lie gets him laid. He doesn’t go back when he discovers the trick to not having to use Vaseline. Most importantly, men realize that you don’t have to get married to get laid- there is no love. Trust me, most of what men do is geared to either getting laid, or getting money to get laid. Not marriage.

You see, love and marriage, as my parents have sadly come to learn, are two different things; love may be blind, that I cannot dispute, but then that would mean that if two people fall blindly in love and get married, then marriage is basically an institution for the blind. Usually, it starts with, the man talking, while the woman listens. A little later, the woman talks while the man listens. Now, all men get fed up pretty fast and as a result, both of them start talking, while the neighbors listen. It now becomes survival for the fittest. Whoever can get the other shut up gets the bed. Usually, the woman wins. After a couple of nights making love to the mosquitos that suck quite well, the man decides he’d rather spend time in the local bar than on the couch. After all, he’ll still be on a seat, right? It doesn’t take the woman very long to find out her man- yes, she still calls him her man- has taken up singing as his new hobby when he comes home the very next week feeling like a superstar, having learnt overnight all the lyrics to “Mwenda wakwa mariru…” God forbid the married couple live in Nyeri or Pangani because shortly after, the rest of us hear an all too familiar desperate appeal to the government… “Naomba serikali iingilie kati…..” on Citizen TV. In short, love, if it exists, is one long dream and marriage is the alarm clock, so what’s the point?

The Apocalypse

Posted: March 19, 2012 by ketihapa in Women
Tags: , , , ,


Scene of the Apocalypse from the movie: Constantine, starring Keanu Reeves.

I never thought I’d say this, but a series of unfortunate events in the past few days have since convinced me otherwise. I despise women… No, in fact, I hate women! There! I said it! Now, before you start asking what the hell I’m yapping endlessly about, let me just say that all my misfortunes currently are directly attributable to these XX chromosome- bearing human beings. What more, I have also had a divine revelation that the end of the world as we know it will be caused by none other than these repugnant people.
Women are not just the beautiful creatures created by God meant to be our companions. Do not be fooled! Beneath those skins they endeavor so much to beautify with all sorts of toxic chemicals, self mutilations in the name of plastic surgery and nowadays not only herbs but also excrement from animals (one more reason for me to hate marriage, which I’ve never really understood in whatever context nor grasped it’s concepts), they are in fact hideous creatures sent by the devil himself to lure man into destruction.
Let me illustrate my point. You know about the Armageddon, don’t you? Of course, sure you do. The common theories put forward are that the Earth will be destroyed by a huge asteroid in the year God knows when, or that the Sun will blow up and blow the Earth along with it (??? Absurd!! You tell me!), and most recently, that our world will end in the year 2012 according to the Mayan calendar, even before I have had an opportunity to fill the Earth as God commanded me to do! I once heard that a large Alien force from a distant planet in search of greener pastures will in future wage war against mankind and will prevail, wiping out all mankind! Hahaha, I think Americans are some of the dumbest human beings on God’s green Earth! It is one thing to make a movie on aliens and to actually expect anyone in their sane mind to believe such gibberish! Besides, don’t you think it is a little funny how aliens are only sighted in America, never in Africa?
Anyway, that’s beside my point. We were talking about women being weapons of mass destruction. My theory is that the end of the world will be caused by a woman. Hush! Hush! First listen before you start discrediting my theory. Now, how will a woman cause the end of the world? Simple! A woman will make some blunder that will trigger the Third World War, which as you may have guessed by now will be nuclear in nature, effectively causing a nuclear apocalypse! Need I say more? The Earth will be wiped out of existence from the universe, along with the nine or so planets in the solar system. All that will remain will be the star commonly known as the Sun and there will not be a single speck of dust left to suggest that the Earth once existed.
Now, I know my theory has a few loose ends, but not to worry. I will try to tighten these up by explaining a few facts for you. Firstly, the Holy Bible does say that at the end of the world, there will be a great war fought by man, one that will be greater than any other that has ever been witnessed by men since the inception of time. My priest would probably punch me if he read this, but then the truth has to be said without fear if people are to be informed. And my main goal is to enlighten you, my dear friends. Or, doesn’t the Bible say, “My people perish out of ignorance!” Although the Bible does not say who or what will cause this disastrous war, it is safe to assume that a woman will be the culprit. Why? It is common sense that there are more women compared to men on Earth, and by simple arithmetic calculations, the probability that a woman will trigger the war is 7:1. For all I know, the much anticipated Antichrist might even be a woman! You know, the one that will allegedly cause MAN much suffering, force us to get grotesque tattoos on our hands and foreheads reading ‘666’ and eventually rule the entire world! God! This is even scarier to imagine than I thought!
Three of my very good friends have time and again branded me a sore chauvinist, and they will probably do it again and again, especially after reading this note, but I want to assure you that I am not. FYI, most of my role models are in fact women. I’m just doing what I think is right; sharing my knowledge so that you will be prepared for the end of days as I am. Now, my fellow men, should this revelation turn out to be in deed true, please don’t panic. Calmly prevent the end of the world by doing the right thing, impregnate all women at the same time. Trust me, it will work, our forefathers once used the same trick. However, on the other hand, should it not come to pass, please do not brand me a false prophet of doom. Rather, acknowledge the fact that this revelation came to me in my sleep and hence, it could very easily have been one of my many dreams that rival Steven Spielberg’s blockbusters. Till then, peace!

Disclaimer: the views herein expressed and explained do not necessarily reflect the true feelings of the author.