Hello good people. No, scratch that. I should start by first of all apologizing for my recent inactivity. I really shouldn’t explain myself but I have for some weird reason grown a disturbing attachment to you all, who for the last couple of months have taken your time to read the memoirs of a drunk you hardly know and for that I thank you. Anyway, the last month has been pretty hectic for most of you, I know, myself included and just now am I starting to get back on my feet again. Don’t worry; I didn’t add an extra level of intelligence. That ship sailed a long time ago.
The last month was full of drama and unexplained events and it would be a gross error not to at least mention a few of them. So I decided to review them one by one and give my very fair analysis:
1. Alex Kinyua
There are more things that got me more surprised than this one; like for instance the fact that America published a guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Yes. If you’ve watched AMC’s The Walking Dead you will understand what a zombie apocalypse might look like, but I really think the guide on how to survive one published by the American Centre for Disease Control would have been intended for people who really needed it; you know, like the actors in the Walking Dead. But hey, we all know at least one daft person in a place of authority. In Kenya we have Mike Sonko. I’d gladly trade him for the 80 MPs in Parliament who didn’t go to school however.
Seriously though, I tried to understand how Alex decided to eat up another man and I came up with the conclusion that Alex and his victim were both gay- no in fact, they were an amateur gay couple. I imagine the scenario where Alex’ lover, God rest his- or her soul, don’t know who the woman was in the relationship- said to Alex, “Baby you can have my heart,” which Alex, being the daft romantic that he was, understood to be “Take a knife and cut out my heart.” Another possible scenario would be where Alex was trying to woo his friend and only he knew, like we all do, that the shortest way to a lover’s heart is through the chest. Using a knife. Nyeri men can attest to that. That or Alex had been reading the best-selling cannibal book, “How to Serve your fellow man”. I hope his victim suited his taste.
2. The Heist
Shortly after my laptop got fried- Alex Kinyua, no pun intended- I lost all hope and sunk into a very depressed phase, which saw me turn into a serious alcoholic. Ok, I’m just trying to justify the fact that I consumed a bottle of vodka with hot coffee as the chaser at 4 am in the morning with an accomplice you will soon come to know. Anyway, I walk back to my place to find the door wide open and the lights on. Still drunk, I thought the girl of my dreams had finally found out that in one of my fantasies, I find her in bed completely nude on my bed, smoking a cigarette as she waits for me. I may or may not have undressed, I’m not sure, but the instant I walked into that door and she wasn’t there, I lost it.
I think I was even more pissed off because I couldn’t understand what kind of low life steals from another man and leaves his lights on. Electricity is damn expensive in Kenya. Anyway I decided to give the house a visual inspection. Everything was in place, except my gas was gone- so was my new pair of leather shoes and my modem. That’s not all. There was food in the sufuria and undone dishes. Like Clint the Drunk said at the Night of a Thousand Laughs- thank God for the internet- “Don’t worry, be happy”, I simply emptied the food into a clean plate, sat down on the floor and ate. I was famished after all; and my thief was a pretty damn good cook.
I learnt something though. Never use a Solex padlock if you live in the sort of neighborhood where you’ll buy a woman pizza and she’ll take the empty box back home as a trophy or if the phrase “see the doctor” literary means looking at a doctor’s photograph. Also, if in your place fuel is sold in sachets. Another thing, if you get angry, your phone is no match for the floor.
3. 24 season 9
Remember 24, the action packed series that shows a series of events all leading to one major event, usually a terrorist scare of a bomb, that will be stopped by one Jack Bauer all in a span of 24 hours? Yeah, Kenya finally has that. Only in our case, we have no Jack Bauer and the big event does go through. I mean the Al Shabaab people. Their plans are so creatively hatched that their events only happen in a span of ten minutes tops. Usually, a man will leave a bag containing a bomb in a shopping mall, hurl the bomb in a church, or two churches to be specific and most times, drinking dens and bus terminals. The one thing I do give them credit for though, is their unmistakable love of life.
The Al Shabaab has re-invented the art of suicide bombing. Suicide in this case means placing a bomb very close to yourself, then performing a glorious disappearing act just as the bomb is about to go off. Houdini himself would be proud. One might even think they have a blast watching the bomb go off. But hey, what do I know. I actually blame the City Council; what do you expect when you put up signs at bus stops telling people “Alight here”? I bet they will alight all right, terrorists will do better; they will go off. Literary. Also, I think they finally found out that the only virgins left in Kenya are Miss Karun and Jimmie Gait.
The problem with fighting terrorism is that it’s like being a goal keeper; an Arsenal goal keeper more realistically. You can make a hundred saves, but people only remember the 8 shots that got past you. In my opinion, the only way to fight terrorism is by using women. Give them guns and tell them Al Shabaab think they are fat and ugly.
Have a great week people.