Posts Tagged ‘sex’

22 year old Brenda Wairimu who acts the role of Dala in season 2 of MTV's Shuga

I will never forget the day my father gave me my first sex talk. My mum had sent me to tell him that supper would be ready in two secs… Now, being eight years old, my vocabulary of abbreviations was quite limited, so in my hunger for knowledge, I asked, “Dad, what does secs mean?” Only God knows how my father heard sex- I have recently come to the conclusion he was just horny from the porn he had been watching because when I entered the room he quickly turned off the TV. Anyway, he looks at me dumbfounded and then for some reason, he decides to go all out and tell me what sex is. He got as far as telling me that “when a man and a woman love each other….” story where the man and the woman, and I quote, “Do what you saw the cows doing the other day”. It was at this point that he realized that he realized I had been looking at him with a rather peculiar face. So he asked, “Why do you want to know anyway?” “Mum said to tell you supper will be ready in two secs.” The look on his face was priceless.

That brings me to the reason for this post. SEX. I have your attention now, no? Jokes, this is not the Penthouse Magazine. A few months ago, a pal of mine broke up with his girlfriend. He was okay, until the dry spell started and there were no visible signs of a downpour. Then he realized how people in Turkana feel when some tourist spends an hour in the toilet when they cannot even remember the last time they were there themselves. So we’re drinking at my place and coincidentally, the show on TV is none other than Shuga, or as it has been rebranded by Kenyans on Twitter, Sguga. We have had quite enough to drink already but the sad thing about alcohol is that the more you get drunk, the more you want to take more. So it gets to the point where Nick Mutuma falls in love with Avril and is confused between whether to choose her or to stick with his girlfriend, the lovely miss Brenda (please, like that was a difficult choice!). Brian goes like, “Man, I miss Angie…” PAUSE. I try to get up on my feet but whoever told me alcohol would get me fat clearly lied. All alcohol does is make you lean… on chairs and tables and ugly people. In this case, there was nothing to lean on.

I convince myself that it’s probably better to remain seated (read Nick and Avril are making out on Sguga). So I tell Brian that it was probably an alcohol induced moment of weakness, that he wants to get back with her because he feels guilty. Now, if you’ve been in a relationship that didn’t work and you had to break up with the person you once told you’d walk a mile for them, you know it almost always never works out if you do manage to get back together. Please note I did not say a thousand miles- it is important to be realistic; it’s why we have vehicles nowadays. Also, I used the term vehicle because I was clueless as to where to classify the Vitz. I honestly believe it is a genetically modified version of a wheelbarrow. Anyway, Brian hears none of it. He picks his phone and calls her. Thankfully, she doesn’t pick up and Brian puts the phone down, depressed. Now I am genuinely worried. The last time he got this emotional when drunk he disappeared the entire night and never breathed a word of his whereabouts. I was later told by a friend of a friend that he was spotted somewhere on Koinange Street. I quickly hide the key to the door.

It could only mean one of two things; either my pal genuinely missed his ex and wanted her back, or he was in desperate need of getting laid without having to pay for it. I knew it wasn’t the former because he already had a new girlfriend, but the problem was he still wasn’t getting any… You see, sex is like air. You realize it’s important when you stop getting it. I was right. He even forgot her number when his new girlfriend finally got him laid. What I’m really trying to say, take it or leave it, is that sex has become an important aspect of modern relationships. Hell, the only reason most people nowadays get into relationships is because they are assured of sex at least once a week. I highly doubt Bruno Mars would have been so willing to catch that grenade if he wasn’t getting any… Why get blown to bits of meat and bone for someone that wasn’t even willing to blow you herself in the first place? I would though, but not for the reason you think; but that is a story for another day.

Personally, I value virginity but I happen to think that once you’ve started having sex, it is advisable to have sex regularly. It makes no sense to blame your wife or girlfriend of infidelity when she bears a kid with brown hair just because your hair is black and so is hers. Nigger, if you have sex with her only five times in a year then clearly you’re the one that’s getting rusty- you need to think out of the box. It’s why your penis has a hole in it so you can think with an open mind. I know, I know. It sounds absurd; that’s because it is. Actually, I don’t buy it either. Picture this; Arap Sang’s wife bears a child taller than Sang. My point being, the last miracle to happen on Earth is clearly documented in the Bible. If you suspect foul play, it probably is…  It’s like a psychic asking for your name- they should know people, literally.

And when I say regularly I don’t mean you go fuck eight women who all happen to be friends for that matter and brag about it. Have a faithful sex partner who you trust wont sleep around and who won’t bring you the brown-haired baby… We all know AIDS and pregnancy are a reality so you got to protect yourself. Use a condom and make sure you’re using contraceptives. Don’t endeavor to be an uncle at an early age like me courtesy of Ken and Anita; it isn’t funny shopping for maternity dresses and pampers. In Sguga, everyone eventually catches AIDS; you don’t have to make that script a reality.

The Apocalypse

Posted: March 19, 2012 by ketihapa in Women
Tags: , , , ,


Scene of the Apocalypse from the movie: Constantine, starring Keanu Reeves.

I never thought I’d say this, but a series of unfortunate events in the past few days have since convinced me otherwise. I despise women… No, in fact, I hate women! There! I said it! Now, before you start asking what the hell I’m yapping endlessly about, let me just say that all my misfortunes currently are directly attributable to these XX chromosome- bearing human beings. What more, I have also had a divine revelation that the end of the world as we know it will be caused by none other than these repugnant people.
Women are not just the beautiful creatures created by God meant to be our companions. Do not be fooled! Beneath those skins they endeavor so much to beautify with all sorts of toxic chemicals, self mutilations in the name of plastic surgery and nowadays not only herbs but also excrement from animals (one more reason for me to hate marriage, which I’ve never really understood in whatever context nor grasped it’s concepts), they are in fact hideous creatures sent by the devil himself to lure man into destruction.
Let me illustrate my point. You know about the Armageddon, don’t you? Of course, sure you do. The common theories put forward are that the Earth will be destroyed by a huge asteroid in the year God knows when, or that the Sun will blow up and blow the Earth along with it (??? Absurd!! You tell me!), and most recently, that our world will end in the year 2012 according to the Mayan calendar, even before I have had an opportunity to fill the Earth as God commanded me to do! I once heard that a large Alien force from a distant planet in search of greener pastures will in future wage war against mankind and will prevail, wiping out all mankind! Hahaha, I think Americans are some of the dumbest human beings on God’s green Earth! It is one thing to make a movie on aliens and to actually expect anyone in their sane mind to believe such gibberish! Besides, don’t you think it is a little funny how aliens are only sighted in America, never in Africa?
Anyway, that’s beside my point. We were talking about women being weapons of mass destruction. My theory is that the end of the world will be caused by a woman. Hush! Hush! First listen before you start discrediting my theory. Now, how will a woman cause the end of the world? Simple! A woman will make some blunder that will trigger the Third World War, which as you may have guessed by now will be nuclear in nature, effectively causing a nuclear apocalypse! Need I say more? The Earth will be wiped out of existence from the universe, along with the nine or so planets in the solar system. All that will remain will be the star commonly known as the Sun and there will not be a single speck of dust left to suggest that the Earth once existed.
Now, I know my theory has a few loose ends, but not to worry. I will try to tighten these up by explaining a few facts for you. Firstly, the Holy Bible does say that at the end of the world, there will be a great war fought by man, one that will be greater than any other that has ever been witnessed by men since the inception of time. My priest would probably punch me if he read this, but then the truth has to be said without fear if people are to be informed. And my main goal is to enlighten you, my dear friends. Or, doesn’t the Bible say, “My people perish out of ignorance!” Although the Bible does not say who or what will cause this disastrous war, it is safe to assume that a woman will be the culprit. Why? It is common sense that there are more women compared to men on Earth, and by simple arithmetic calculations, the probability that a woman will trigger the war is 7:1. For all I know, the much anticipated Antichrist might even be a woman! You know, the one that will allegedly cause MAN much suffering, force us to get grotesque tattoos on our hands and foreheads reading ‘666’ and eventually rule the entire world! God! This is even scarier to imagine than I thought!
Three of my very good friends have time and again branded me a sore chauvinist, and they will probably do it again and again, especially after reading this note, but I want to assure you that I am not. FYI, most of my role models are in fact women. I’m just doing what I think is right; sharing my knowledge so that you will be prepared for the end of days as I am. Now, my fellow men, should this revelation turn out to be in deed true, please don’t panic. Calmly prevent the end of the world by doing the right thing, impregnate all women at the same time. Trust me, it will work, our forefathers once used the same trick. However, on the other hand, should it not come to pass, please do not brand me a false prophet of doom. Rather, acknowledge the fact that this revelation came to me in my sleep and hence, it could very easily have been one of my many dreams that rival Steven Spielberg’s blockbusters. Till then, peace!

Disclaimer: the views herein expressed and explained do not necessarily reflect the true feelings of the author.