I will never forget the day my father gave me my first sex talk. My mum had sent me to tell him that supper would be ready in two secs… Now, being eight years old, my vocabulary of abbreviations was quite limited, so in my hunger for knowledge, I asked, “Dad, what does secs mean?” Only God knows how my father heard sex- I have recently come to the conclusion he was just horny from the porn he had been watching because when I entered the room he quickly turned off the TV. Anyway, he looks at me dumbfounded and then for some reason, he decides to go all out and tell me what sex is. He got as far as telling me that “when a man and a woman love each other….” story where the man and the woman, and I quote, “Do what you saw the cows doing the other day”. It was at this point that he realized that he realized I had been looking at him with a rather peculiar face. So he asked, “Why do you want to know anyway?” “Mum said to tell you supper will be ready in two secs.” The look on his face was priceless.
That brings me to the reason for this post. SEX. I have your attention now, no? Jokes, this is not the Penthouse Magazine. A few months ago, a pal of mine broke up with his girlfriend. He was okay, until the dry spell started and there were no visible signs of a downpour. Then he realized how people in Turkana feel when some tourist spends an hour in the toilet when they cannot even remember the last time they were there themselves. So we’re drinking at my place and coincidentally, the show on TV is none other than Shuga, or as it has been rebranded by Kenyans on Twitter, Sguga. We have had quite enough to drink already but the sad thing about alcohol is that the more you get drunk, the more you want to take more. So it gets to the point where Nick Mutuma falls in love with Avril and is confused between whether to choose her or to stick with his girlfriend, the lovely miss Brenda (please, like that was a difficult choice!). Brian goes like, “Man, I miss Angie…” PAUSE. I try to get up on my feet but whoever told me alcohol would get me fat clearly lied. All alcohol does is make you lean… on chairs and tables and ugly people. In this case, there was nothing to lean on.
I convince myself that it’s probably better to remain seated (read Nick and Avril are making out on Sguga). So I tell Brian that it was probably an alcohol induced moment of weakness, that he wants to get back with her because he feels guilty. Now, if you’ve been in a relationship that didn’t work and you had to break up with the person you once told you’d walk a mile for them, you know it almost always never works out if you do manage to get back together. Please note I did not say a thousand miles- it is important to be realistic; it’s why we have vehicles nowadays. Also, I used the term vehicle because I was clueless as to where to classify the Vitz. I honestly believe it is a genetically modified version of a wheelbarrow. Anyway, Brian hears none of it. He picks his phone and calls her. Thankfully, she doesn’t pick up and Brian puts the phone down, depressed. Now I am genuinely worried. The last time he got this emotional when drunk he disappeared the entire night and never breathed a word of his whereabouts. I was later told by a friend of a friend that he was spotted somewhere on Koinange Street. I quickly hide the key to the door.
It could only mean one of two things; either my pal genuinely missed his ex and wanted her back, or he was in desperate need of getting laid without having to pay for it. I knew it wasn’t the former because he already had a new girlfriend, but the problem was he still wasn’t getting any… You see, sex is like air. You realize it’s important when you stop getting it. I was right. He even forgot her number when his new girlfriend finally got him laid. What I’m really trying to say, take it or leave it, is that sex has become an important aspect of modern relationships. Hell, the only reason most people nowadays get into relationships is because they are assured of sex at least once a week. I highly doubt Bruno Mars would have been so willing to catch that grenade if he wasn’t getting any… Why get blown to bits of meat and bone for someone that wasn’t even willing to blow you herself in the first place? I would though, but not for the reason you think; but that is a story for another day.
Personally, I value virginity but I happen to think that once you’ve started having sex, it is advisable to have sex regularly. It makes no sense to blame your wife or girlfriend of infidelity when she bears a kid with brown hair just because your hair is black and so is hers. Nigger, if you have sex with her only five times in a year then clearly you’re the one that’s getting rusty- you need to think out of the box. It’s why your penis has a hole in it so you can think with an open mind. I know, I know. It sounds absurd; that’s because it is. Actually, I don’t buy it either. Picture this; Arap Sang’s wife bears a child taller than Sang. My point being, the last miracle to happen on Earth is clearly documented in the Bible. If you suspect foul play, it probably is… It’s like a psychic asking for your name- they should know people, literally.
And when I say regularly I don’t mean you go fuck eight women who all happen to be friends for that matter and brag about it. Have a faithful sex partner who you trust wont sleep around and who won’t bring you the brown-haired baby… We all know AIDS and pregnancy are a reality so you got to protect yourself. Use a condom and make sure you’re using contraceptives. Don’t endeavor to be an uncle at an early age like me courtesy of Ken and Anita; it isn’t funny shopping for maternity dresses and pampers. In Sguga, everyone eventually catches AIDS; you don’t have to make that script a reality.