Posts Tagged ‘Torres’

Oscar Pistorious displays his winner’s medal at the 2012 London Paralympics.

For lack of an excuse, I think I’ll just come out and say it honestly; I haven’t been blogging because I have been lazy and all I’ve accomplished in the past month is to gain weight. And yes, I still look like a toothpick so don’t dare guess how much I weighed before. But receiving the news last week that i passed last semester’s exams and landing the job I wanted in Westlands this week has somewhat cleared my mental/writers block. So, here i am, back to my usual antics: I am typing as I look over my shoulder every three minutes just in case my new boss realizes that I am not replying clients’ emails…

Nevertheless, a lot has happened and I’m sure you do not need reminding, but i am going to offer my expert opinion of the events that unfolded this month. And first of them is Oscar Pistorious.

Oscar… honestly, I am still in awe. Who shoots his girlfriend on Valentines?? Just who? SMH. That is just prosthetic.. Sorry I mean pathetic. To be honest, I hadn’t heard of the bugger before he wasted his girlfriend with four accurate shots. I give him credit; He shoots better than my dear Arsenal. Oscar in my opinion should have pleaded for temporary insanity. Hear me out. He’d say the voices in his head told him Cupid was dead and he was to assume the honourable duty with immediate effect. He’d then go on to explain how he decided to spice things up a little and use a gun not some old fashioned arrows. And his first assignment was to get his house in order: he’d practise with his girlfriend.

Ok, now I don’t make sense. No court would ever buy any of that. The story has bearing.. A better idea would be to plead guilty to chronic stupidity. Who hears strange noises and assumes burglars are invading his home, and the first place he runs off to check is the bathroom- bear in mind the door is wide open at this time. Anyway, Oscar was granted bail, much to the dismay of South Africans… at least the court has decided to preserve his anal virginity for a little longer. Who knew people with no legs can shoot more accurately than Torres.

Then the pope resigned. Good for him. At least we no longer have to hear advice about sex (that I am currently starved of) from an 80 year old virgin. He said God asked him to. And to prove it, lightning struck the Vatican. Coincidence? I think not; though I am sure God must have been disappointed Lightning doesn’t have the same dramatic effect it used to. He should never have let man invent lightning arrestors. But who blames the pope anyway. When you’ve performed your duties diligently for years and your boss is just never around to buy you lunch once in a while, it’s heartbreaking. On the bright side, reports claim we might finally have a black pope. Woot woot!

And as if we don’t have enough drama already, Njeru Githae, it was found out, apparently slept with his dead son’s girl. Jesus. As the dude of the ‘they kidnapped everything in our pockets’ fame said, ni kama ndurama… ni kama findeo. People do some crazy shit, but there should be a limit for insanity. Apparently, Githae was also the reason his son, Brian Njeru, then a fourth year student at the University of Nairobi, committed suicide in the first place. And yeah, Kirinyaga residents did not take it kindly; he ultimately lost his bid for Kirinyaga County Governor on a TNA ticket. Serves the bastard right anyway. I hope he has a special place in hell.. And that the devil is gay… that should be enough punishment in addition to the eternal fire of sulphur.

Anyhow, as I accept the sad fact that I have run out of things to write, I want to correct the bastard that called Africa a hoe for, and i quote, “Riding on YANA tyres.” I also profusely thank everybody who retweeted me over the weekend when we needed blood for a 3 month old boy called Kenneth Mugo. You guys came through wonderfully and it was humbling. My twitter followers, I love you all. He is now recovering well and will thanks to you, hopefully live to suffer a bad sexual dry spell like the rest of us.

And with that, I am out.

Yes, bad TV will do this to you.

One of the most touching stories I ever read went something like this if my memory serves me right:

An old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in a train, which was about to leave the station. As the train started the young man, who was seated next to the window, was filled with joy and curiosity. He put his hand out of the window to feel the passing wind and he shouted, “Papa see all the trees are moving past us.” The old man smiled and acknowledged his son’s feelings. A couple seated beside the young man, listened to the conversations between the father and son. They felt a little awkward with the child-like behavior of the 25-year old man.

Again the young man shouted, “Papa, see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train”. The couple again felt embarrassed with the young man’s behavior. It started to rain and the rain drops touched the young man’s hand. He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes. He shouted again, “Papa it’s raining, water is touching me.” The couple couldn’t help themselves and asked the old man, “Why don’t you visit the doctor and get your son treated.” The old man replied, “Yes, we just came from the hospital. Today my son got his eyes for the first time in his life.”

Most of you will agree with me, I know; it is a powerful story, the moral of which is supposed to be ‘not everything appears as it is on face value’. But no, I am not a motivational speaker no will I ever be. Rather, the story got me thinking. Imagine if the poor fellow opened his eyes and the first thing he saw in 25 years was a typical Kenyan television show. The shock and dismay he would get equals that if he regained his eyesight and the first thing he saw was Chelsea beating Barcelona courtesy of a Torres goal after Messi messed a pelanty.

So, I compiled a list of the top five worst things ever to be aired on Kenyan TV, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, drum rolls….

5. Naija Movies

I really do not want to sound cliché. Nigerian movies to say the least are tedious and unending. The plots of all movies are basically the same and I suspect they have one national script writer, much like our very own Naomi Kamau who came up with the once brilliant likes of Tahidi High and Mother in Law. It unnerves me that every sentence for some reason has to start and end with “oh”, more or less like Kenyan TV anchors tend to think every sentence in an interview has to start with “now”. They have badly choreographed cinematography which involves the all too familiar scene where the killer begs for permission to kill his victim beforehand just before you hear “Afro-Cinema continues shortly”. On the plus side they do have impressive 4D effects; Disturbing, Disgusting, Depressing and Disappointing.

4. Papa Shirandula / Inspekta Mwala / Tahidi Highs

I couldn’t decide which is worse. These shows have a palpable similarity. Badly suited actors, bad sound quality, forced humor and usually, non-existent story lines. I do not know whether the actors sign an “act like a kid” contract because I find it really hard to believe that most of them are capable of behaving like adults. In my honest opinion, Machachari is a way better show because at least the childishness depicted is at least acted out by children. These three shows have adamantly refused to end despite being long overdue and the worst bit is, they have no seasonal breaks and the actors look like they crammed their lines on the spot, if any exist that is. God knows even Mike Sonko with his missing brain would do a better job.

3. Weather forecasts

Some of you will dispute why this is ranked third on my list. But if you can answer this question for me I will gladly take it off the list. So here goes, if it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Wipe that sneer off your face. I’m glad you now see what I mean. The point is, nobody- not even the weather men- can predict the future. I can assure you the only way to not get rained on in town is to avoid anyone called Wambua, Wambura or Nyambura but just in case it does rain na unyeshewe, I hope you remembered to carry Always with you and or condom shoes. And an umbrella.

2. #TheTrend

NTV’s The Trend. What trend? The only thing I see trending when it airs is boredom which is unfortunate since the show is presented by one James Smart. The sad irony is that James Smart isn’t even well dressed to start with. His questions are lame and un-smart and he picks topics on events that happened decades ago, for instance bringing Robert Alai on the show. I do not refute that he probably saved mankind with his famous scream that reportedly rebuffed an Alien invasion; or that the US thought the self-proclaimed ’22 year old’ was the human version of Power Puff Girls, who also have a cute but formidable Super Sonic scream. But why bring back something that happened and trended months ago? I will forgive anything, except typos and backward people. The trend is the latter and the fact of the matter is #TheTrend is a tragic imitation of Aljazeera’s #TheStream.

1. Q TV

The biggest washout on Kenyan TV is undoubtedly Q TV. For once, a TV channel other than **KBC managed to irritate people. I tried giving Q TV the benefit of doubt because I thought they had one or two watchable shows. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Nulla. Let me try Swahili, HAKUNA. The entire channel is unwatchable. I agree with whoever said that Q TV is the fifth horseman of the apocalypse, because the fact of the matter is, Q TV is enough to make anyone commit suicide. Even a cat with its nine lives wouldn’t survive it. In fact, I heard the government is working on a deal that will allow in-mates in Kamiti to swap their Jail Time for Q TV. Yeah, it is that serious. Someone joked on twitter that they are ISO certified; they are eye-sore certified that is.

**Please note that for the purposes of accurate and fair ratings, just like tax, KBC was excluded on basis bankruptcy. Also, should your TV screen break, please do not try to fix it with video TAPE. It doesn’t work, trust me, I have tried and failed miserably. Have a good week people.

WALKING HALF DEAD

Posted: March 20, 2012 by ketihapa in Death, Ugly, Women
Tags: , , , , , ,

Shock-vendorYesterday, I posted a piece on the blog about how I believe the end of the world will be caused by a woman. As expected, I ended up trying to convince people how I am not gay and how I have no personal grudges towards women. What I really should have said is that I have no grudges and neither do I have any resentment either, just a conviction that is firmly rooted in my subconscious that women are not to be trusted. But that is a story for another day when the dust has settled. The real significance of the events of Yesterday is that everything and everyone is trying to prove me wrong- that women can be trusted. And I was on my way to healing and rehabilitation that I could indeed trust a woman for most part of today, except I nearly died in the process.

So I am waiting for a niece of mine in town, specifically at Kenya Cinema because I cannot condone people who tell me to wait for them at Ambassadeur or worse, “Niko kwa hii building ndefu ya white karibu na Tea room…”, phone in my hand and wary of everyone passing by just in case Linda Ogutu happens to pass by. Lord knows I have made enough fun of her side effects in the recent weeks. I log on to twitter to post a funny thought that just came to my mind but I stop midway in disbelief. Shock registers next and before I know it, I am gasping for air. I know I am now on my bus ride to hell. Let’s face it, no way in hell I of all people I’m going to Heaven. Isn’t my fault really, but what am I supposed to do? I am claustrophobic and since my Pastor did mention that road to Heaven is quite narrow so being realistic, I know I just… I can’t. The only good thing is I know I am going to collapse and die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, unlike the passengers in his car who died kicking and screaming.

In front of me, two women pass by. The first one is pretty and I’m tempted to think it is the love of my life, Julie Gichuru, except I know she doesn’t wear condom shoes. I make a mental note- or rather, I do quick calculations with one of my heads- I leave you to decide which- and decide she isn’t worth the sweat. It is the second one that almost does irreparable damage to my eyes and consequently my nervous system. The woman is dressed in things I cannot begin to describe as clothes. Shoot me dead before I concede they even resemble clothes. But that’s not all; she looks like a scene from the last episode of Spartacus. Not bloody, just unbelievable. Okay, and maybe a little bloody too. She literally has every color on the visible spectrum of light, which my learned friend Fabian believes is what Torres uses to confuse his enemies- apparently he kicks the ball so fast that the ball goes beyond the speed of light, meaning it is not visible as it goes into the net and we only think he missed the goal because we see the ball outside the net after it has slowed down.

Anyway, back to this woman. She has on her every imaginable color if you consider that her face is black as well- note, I said black not dark. Dark is beautiful. She is hideous. In fact, the only thing that looks okay is her mascara, whose color matches with her top. I know it is okay to be ugly, but she seems to be overdoing it. My heart initially goes out to her, filled with deep felt sympathy and pity. At this point I blame God for how she looks because he is the creator after all… But that is short lived because she stops when she sees me. I panic, but not enough to make me run away. She starts smiling and from this point I know I am not safe. She starts walking towards me, but my back is already pressed to the wall at this point. I can’t run away. “Victor…,” she starts and I freeze. She knows my name. I feel a sweat make its way down my spine and I imagine what the lad I trained a few weeks back how to get the hot women would say. I could pray for a bus to hit her at this point, but there are no buses in sight. So I start wishing that I could die. Then IT happens.

I don’t really remember what happened next but I can conclusively tell you that I almost died. Or so my niece tells me. Apparently I got so scared to death I fainted. Okay, in this case half to death because I didn’t really die. I call it my near death experience but now I am worried that the next time I get scared half to death again I will surely die if the algebra I learnt in school wasn’t a fallacy. My point being, because of a woman, I am now literally walking half dead. I am just glad the woman in question wasn’t around when I came to because you wouldn’t be reading this post. Also, don’t look around for any CCTV cameras in that area to see her. I took the liberty of pulling them off to spare your lives- and my dignity. I know realize that life is too short to not think carefully about what you wish for.