I am a mad man, or so I’m told. But if you’re going to call me a mad man and you’re a Kenyan on Twitter (or #KOT) as they are famously known, then I’m sorry; coz guess what, all Kenyans on Twitter are mad people- lunatics that’ll stop at nothing to have a little fun. Sometimes, I think Caroline Mutoko of the numbskulls fame was right. When we’re not telling @Freddie_rich that he used sand paper to make his TV a flat-screen- yeah, the same TV where Sossi adverts feature bones and whose channels are separated by curtains- we’re busy reminding @_Mwass_ that a Galaxy SIII is just a phone that proves hard work doesn’t pay; at least not when you’re going to try to download Twitter for iPad on your sister’s ideos.
Sometimes you’ll wake up to find the car you prayed to God for the previous day right on your TL. Yes, in the form of a blue Subaru waiting for you to take a test drive. God knows @Kolaboof and @Paapa_ have a number of them in their parking lots. @LucyWamuyu has even more. Even Samsung, according to #KOT, seem to think that she cannot gerrit. Poor darling. It doesn’t matter how friendly you are with everyone. Twitter streets currently worse than those in Mombasa. At least in Mombasa, someone will spray you with bullets in a drive by and people will burn down churches in retaliation on your behalf. On twitter, people don’t even bother hiding their identity. They’ll not spray you with bullets; just one shot that will be more accurate than those of the Sniper in the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’.
One minute you’re scrolling down your TL and the next @Gishuvski tells you that your pussy gets more hits than a Wakorino drum. BAM! You try your best to ignore and simply move on but #KOT aren’t done with you. On twitter, you, the victim, are actually supposed to take responsibility for any Subarus that come your way. You either laugh them off or you respond with something even nastier. And if you don’t, you’ve got @The_ONE_Adrian to tell you that he’s seen bigger boils than your breasts so wacha kuringa. I’ll tell you one thing, always respond with something of this caliber, “I’d kick you in the vagina, but my shoe would get lost in there.”
It’s even worse when you decide to stop all the madness so you follow @Cyvilldeillest’s example and start tweeting inspirational stuff like “Sometimes you need to challenge yourself!” Yeah, you even complete your transformation with an exclamation mark. Sorry brother, @JoeWMuchiri will simply reply with “Yes, you should. Eg. You can try to fap with your feet.” And if @SirLV smells even a whiff of your recent transformation, he’ll tell you that people who tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who read every day in school and still got D’s. His point, it fucking gets you nowhere. All you’re inspiring people to do is to unfollow you.
Sometimes you could be really down and in need of a joint like my @Sharzysharz and to drive the point home that nobody cares, @marto_kop will ask you, “Kwani huna magoti?.” And if he doesn’t, @Vynkev and @dannyceo will probably hit you with a MEME that reads “Negative Sir. Cannot locate any fucks around here” or “Hiyo story yako ingekuwa chakula tungeshiba.” Perhaps, like @AlchemistCB, you might have come across a great movie airing on KTN and so you decide to ask, “Hiyo movie iko KTN inaitwa?” Don’t worry, you’ll get an answer alright, but if @ilfabiano answers, it will be “Inaitwa na nani?” You decide it can’t get any worse and so this time round you ask for a good series to watch. Sadly, @RamZzy_ has been waiting for you in some dark alley and just when you think you’re in the clear, he’ll jump you and tell that the best series he could find for you was “1, 2, 4, 7, 11, 16, 22…” My advice, never ask any questions on twitter. NEVER!
One more thing, twitter is full of Ninjas and Grammar Nazis. If you’re not sure about the proper spelling of a word or correct punctuation, my dear, please Google. Trust me you really don’t want the scenario where you ask, like @_Anaisha_, “What’s the best colon for men?” and @Jayfreakay is the one to answer to answer your question. Yes, he’ll tell you that thisà;ß is the best colon available. You also shouldn’t wish that Michuki should rice back to life. Typos can either make or break your life on twitter. Case in point @kebubu (founder of Sguga and Sjula Inc. ) and @Wakamaa_ respectively. The latter was forced to change his handle from @Rockstarwakafs after this TT: #RockstarwakafsTweet.
On these Twitter streets, celebrities and important people aren’t spared either. Most people here think Miguu na Miguu na Pang’ang’a is irrelevant; but I’m not so sure @mbusih, @dannyceo and @leondacow would consider him irrelevant if the book he wrote were “Peeling back the Skirts” instead. Sheila Mwanyigah wil have learnt that the next time she rolls herself in a bowl of flour she shouldn’t twitpic it unless she’s ready for @Roomthinker. And this time, she’d better have an arsenal with her because you can be sure he’ll say something better than “You can tell from Sheila’s face that she’s been taking care of herself for years: self-raising.” Oh, and fyi by arsenal I don’t mean the team whose ambitions for this season have now changed from winning trophies to trying to finish the season with at least 11 players. A real arsenal.
So that’s about it folks, Twitter is not your friend. It doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings and it doesn’t care whether you’re a guy or a chic. In fact, it’s worse if you’re a chic because if you’re a loud mouth, you’d better be hot like @peachezk23 and @zawadibby. Pray to God you aren’t a momo and that nobody knows what school you’re from. Apparently @_Mwass_ thinks JKUAT chics steal your phone while USIU chics steal your girlfriend and likewise, K.U. chics steal sidemirrors. If you are any of the above, you’d better not care what in God’s ass people tweet about you like @ShirleyGhetto. If you’re the type to ‘catch feelings’ like @Mckym, you’ll definitely tweet from a retirement home (read @idaempress) when you act like Potiphar’s wife and leak fabricated DMs supposedly from old men (read @RobertAlai) who supposedly think you want the D.
So don’t tweet things like “My mum is fucking annoying”, because the eventuality of that convo will be @Eljayjoe telling you “Go tell your father.” Have a great weekend people.