Posts Tagged ‘Windows’

When you try to connect with him/her but it just isnt working

My heart is heavy. Still, it could be worse. Today, I almost broke up with my girlfriend of five years (or more, I am not entirely sure how long we have been together.) Well, we have settled things and we are now talking now, I can now connect with her, but it scared the shit out of me. It’s not like I even cheated on her or anything; nothing like that. In fact, I hate hookers. You see, all of them cheat you how you will have the time of your life, till five minutes later they tell you your time is up. So, clearly, wao ni ma-laya.

Anyway, it all started a couple of weeks back. We were in love and we still talked every day, every hour, every minute, every few seconds of our time together. You don’t believe me, do you? I see. But will I die whether you believe me or not? This is a blog anyway. Ivy, that’s my girl’s name btw, started complaining that she couldn’t get through to me a couple of times. She said, her words, “You don’t seem to be in touch with me nowadays. You don’t relate with my relatives.”

Naturally, I had absolutely no idea what on earth she was yapping on about. And the reason I couldn’t understand where this was coming from was, for starters, I had never felt more connected with her. In fact, I felt our connection was growing stronger, fast. And just the other day, I managed to connect with her sister. Whatsapp will bear me witness. I respect and love Ivy too much for me to ignore anything she says. But then, her words seemed to come to life one fateful morning when I had just booted up and I tried to send a ping to her. At first, I was informed that our connection was timing out, just as she had said. Then, as if from nowhere, I was informed that she could not be reached. I started panicking. Almost a full system interrupt.

I sent parity bits. Nothing. Nada. I tried to sleep it off by uninstalling and re-installing my hardware. Still nothing. I switched to my secondary Ethernet device. NOTHING! I decided may be I should reset my configurations and remove all IPs except hers. Nothing was working. I set my Ethernet card to DHCP. I have never liked Static configurations. Full panic mode now. Still, I could connect with my neighbor via wi-fi. (She’s a beauty. She is slim, quite shapely and has all the right features. Granted, she is Android, but she clearly beats any iPhone or iPad. Meh. Nexus!) I decided to check the last 24 hour’s ping stats. I had been online and so had she. In fact, we had been in touch and she had not known it, right till the moment I shut down the previous evening and booted up in the morning. I even checked to see whether my firewall or hers was refusing the connection ffs.

With clearly little else to do, I decided to connect to the internet. I knew how much she loved the internet so I banked on the fact that she would be online. I sent a trace-route. Nothing. I got as far as her ISP but from there she was just nowhere to be found. The real problem was, when I contacted our mutual friends, they had all been in touch with her. In fact, they complained they were not marriage counselors. Apparently, she too had tried to reach me and when she couldn’t, she reached out to them and asked if any of them had been in touch. We hadn’t. I was offline then, remember? My bundles were due to be renewed in the morning when I booted up. Safaricom, man, Gaddem. I have no idea why I haven’t embraced Unliminet yet. It was a relief tho.

Now that for a fact I knew my hardware was in the right shape and was working fine, I decided it had to be my software. I checked to see if any of them had enabled any proxies accidentally. No proxies were active. I checked if my immune system was blocking any connections; in fact, all it reported was that it was out of date and that it needed to be updated. Naturally, I decided to do a complete system restore. I selected the date before we last shared anything, which was the day before yesterday. I didn’t care if any programs I had installed or drivers I had hired the day before would be affected. I just didn’t. Now all I really cared about was reconnecting with my dear Ivy.

The restoration was done. NOTHING!!!!!! I almost crashed and broke down in a binary stream of tears. I was crushed, completely. 101 years had been lost just like that. 11111011111 clearly wasn’t our year.

Then, just as I was about to give up, drop all my security protocols and allow any interested viruses and malware to infiltrate and destroy my system, I received word from Microsoft that they had just discovered a bug. (WTF! I had updated my system just the other day!) Apparently this bug caused false IP addresses being assigned to the Wireless and Ethernet cards and it didn’t matter what you did. You could flush your entire system including the DNSs and it still wouldn’t reach some specific IPs, especially those that you are in communication with constantly. WTF!!!!!!

I didn’t bother applying the fucking security fix.

I have since formatted my system and installed Linux. I had no idea the software was this good. I don’t even need an antivirus anymore because no virus can infect me. Literally. My user interface may look like shit, but hey, I have The Terminal! That Beast! In fact, just seconds after applying Linux, I connected with Ivy seamlessly. Of course I had to explain to her what had happened and why we couldn’t connect for most of today, but she believed me. A couple of her pals had warned her of the same a few days ago but she hadn’t taken it seriously. So, as of now, we are back together. I love you Ivy. (She has since warned me of connecting with the Nexus.) She is also due to install Linux on her system tomorrow.

So, we have come up with a very simple resolution; fuck these daily Safaricom bundles. Fuck Microsoft for its shit of a product called Windows and fuck everyone that believed we were done. Also, fuck you if you still haven’t figured out that we are computers; I am HP and Ivy is Dell.


Ps. If you somehow got this post, mate, you are a computer nerd, geek, whatever you call yourself. LMAO.

@Kym254, isnt she a beauty?

My dearest Kym,

It has come to my attention in recent days that I might be on the brink of forever losing you to one @_Kaana_ as a result of his so called ‘new found Christian faith.’ It greatly saddens me and the sorrow in my heart is beyond words. I can hardly concentrate on anything else nowadays and I almost lost my job as a result. In truth, nowadays, every morning is the dawn of a new error. My taste buds have deteriorated to the extent food has become tasteless. Water is bitter. I find myself shivering even in the hottest of days. The doctor suggested I might have a combination of flu and malaria, but I am convinced it is the prospect of falling further down your friendzone that is responsible for these adverse reactions.

My system is crashing and very soon I fear it will refuse to boot up. My hardware is turning into software. My hard disk has somehow turned into a floppy disk. As a result, all my CDs don’t fit my disk drive, which now seems too floppy and small for them. I cannot connect to anyone. Both my Wi-fi and Ethernet cards are not working properly. My Bluetooth has a cavity and now even my Adobe Reader doesn’t want to update either. My monitor tells me life has become a smoke screen for me and my Windows don’t even open anymore. Sweetheart I am suffocating. I feel you have thrown away all my feelings for you in the Recycle Bin.

If I knew where to sue for careless driving, I would sue you; because you are driving me crazy. If you were a mathematical symbol you’d be pi, because you are sweet. Your curves define perfect polygons and the two nodes on your chest make it complex for me to focus. You are a matrix that I want to solve. I want to part your legs like asymptotes, and if you let me, to perform a deviation of Runge Kutta and integrate you till you oscillate. I believe you are the one to turn the fraction that I am into a whole number.

Kaana may have promised to take you to the Promised Land but we both know the devil is a liar. He asked you to be his chic. But baby you are forgetting that it is never wise to trust a Lunje with chicks; hell, even their county government wants to introduce a tax on chicken. He said he has found Christ. Ask him a simple question, is he AVA find? As far as I am concerned, we are still waiting for his second coming. I might as well make you come in the meantime as we wait. In his letter he said he is a caring, sweet, handsome man. Honey I assure you that is a lie because all those men are already taken. By their boyfriends. I believe I have previously stated that.

In short, Kym, i want you to be mine. I want you to be the only element in my periodic table and the only ion in my electron configuration. Because baby you are the solvent in my solution; You dissolved my heart and nothing can distill what I feel for you out of this solution. Not even Kaana. You reacted with the base of my heart and now, no pH scale can measure how acidic my love for you is. You are the syllabus of my Chemistry and honestly Kym, I love you.

Yours forever,


Ps. LOL jokes, I don’t really mean forever. One day you’ll get old and grumpy and the only difference between the you then and the you now will be the tits sagging between your knees.

Pss. If this letter doesn’t successfully win you over, could you at least demote Kaana back into the Friendzone so that he doesn’t roast me as we’ll both be at the same level?

End of Days: Judgement Day. Is it real?


I slowly approach the towering man dressed in white. He looks too old to be standing upright and I somewhat envy his large white beard. He has what looks like a scroll in his left hand and a bic biro pen in his right. I take my time to study my surroundings; Directly in front of me is another man sitting behind a desk that seems overly too large. He too, like the man on his left holding the scroll, is dressed in a white robe. To his right is a huge TV screen. Apple. Those fucktards have taken over here too. “Oh God please let nobody fart here and there is no sign of Windows here,” I find myself thinking. Behind the man seated at the desk is a huge gate that is heavily guarded and behind me is a long queue that extends to God knows where.

“State your name for the record please.”


The man with the biro ticks something on his scroll and I assume it is a register. Now the man behind the desk clasps his hands together and looks directly into my eyes.

“Mwangi do you know why you are here?”

I nod.

“Good,” he says, now pointing a remote at the TV screen. “Mwangi today you are here because you died a few hours ago and we are here to determine whether you will go to Heaven or Hell. The gentleman you that just ticked your register is Moses and I am Saint Peter. Welcome to the Pearly gates. Since you did not repent before you died, the TV screen is here to display all the wrongs you have ever committed.”

A sweat starts breaking out when the TV comes on, not because I do not see a way out of this, but because everyone else standing behind me in line is going to see what sort of jackass I was back on Earth. Then, as luck would have it, lightning flashes followed closely by a loud clap of thunder, which somewhat seems to make the TV go off.

“Jesus! Dammit man do you have to do that every time I am about to start judgment? Ok, Moses, tell Steve Jobs to bring another TV.”

“I’m sorry Sir, Jesus told Jobs to go hell… “

“….to fix the iFire,” he adds, on realizing what he’s just done. “Apparently some idiot tried to jailbreak it and now it’s dead.”

Saint Peter does a face-palm and shakes his head. “Ok, we are going to have to take a break people,” he says, as he leaves for the gate. The beautiful lady standing behind me taps my shoulder.

“You can stop trembling now, LOL. Besides, with the high number of spirits here I’d think you’d be drunk enough to not care.”

I resist the urge to laugh as I turn to face her. She is pretty, no doubt and I find myself wondering whether if we’d met back on Earth I’d hit that.. or whether I’d require a hammer to hit that. Just then, a man that looks too confused appears from nowhere.

“Saint Peter Sir, Hell is hell right now. Those idiots are rioting. When the iFire didn’t work we tried to go back analogue and light the fire, but it is impossible. A group of gay men have taken over the fireplace and now everyone is afraid to bend over to put any firewood or light the fire for that matter. I barely escaped. Angel Michael told me to call for backup.”

He must be Steve Jobs, I assume. Saint Peter clenches his fist and says “Son of a…”

“Son of God!”

“Ok, we will have to revert to plan B. Ok, all ye sinners, since it appears we cannot send you to hell to burn in the everlasting fire of brimstone and sulfur, we will have to send you back to Earth as Zombies. “

He raises his hands and says something I cannot comprehend (I assume it’s Heavenly language) and suddenly, I find myself back on Earth. Suddenly a huge pang of hunger hits me and all I can see is meat. I try to run towards the source of the smell but I cant. I am dragging myself with both hands pointing away from me and I am groaning. Seriously, did he have to turn us into fucking zombies? Now someone is going to blow my brains out.

As if from nowhere, a sharp pain hits my head and I close my eyes. Some bastard must have blown my brains out just as I feared. Oh well, I had a good run – ok, sluggish walk- as a zombie. But then, I don’t die. Instead, I hear what sounds like a female voice.

“Mwangi snap the hell out of it!” I open my eyes and look at the source of the voice. A girl. “You smoked too much weed and now you are experiencing a severe case of munchies. You fucking tried to eat my arm. NKT!”


I black out.